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Original poster

Friendship

17 replies

loupielou1 · 22/01/2023 23:38

Hi all. So the last two years I've had ups and downs but last year was the worst. I split with my fiancé due to cheating and emotional abuse I would say. I told my best friend at the time about it all and that I was depressed and going through therapy etc. she asked how I was each time and I answered honestly. (I didn't message her first btw, as I didn't wanna bother anyone with how I was but she was persistent for to me talk even if I replied with I'm ok) I asked if I could see her and she replied that she didn't think we could be friends or meet up anymore etc. I told her I really wanted and needed a friend at the time but she ignored me. Anyway just after new years this year, she messaged me and asked how I was and that she cared but she doesn't see us becoming friends after last year but wanted to know if I'm ok and how I'm doing and understood if I didn't message her back. Well I got really pissed off with this message. I didn't message back straight away but after a few days (and a couple of drinks) I did message her and basically told her how dare she message to ask if I'm ok and what I'm upto nowadays considering she doesn't want to be friends and ghosted me when I needed her when I've always been there for her in the past. She replied that she couldn't be my fiend as it was all about me me me at the time and I didn't ask how she was. I told ger I don't think she knows what depression does to people. That depressed people are about themselves especially when reaching out for help and I apologised for bothering her even though she messaged me telling me she was there for me. I even said how I've been there for her when she's had problems and she had never asked how I was either at that time but I was still there for her as I understood the need to vent and be oblivious to anyone around you when you're in a state. She literally just "liked" what I messaged with a thumbs up and I unfriened me on social media.

Sorry for the long post but I'm wondering if I should'nt have blown at her and that maybe I was a bit harsh? but I thought she was just being nosey rather than friendly and clearly needed to vent to me about her problems like usual and pretend nothing happened. I have felt like she just used me to feel better about herself in the past tbh

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Original poster
loupielou1 · 22/01/2023 23:39

Her message after new years was 6months after the initial message of not wanting to be friends anymore while I was going through a mental crisis etc

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Original poster
loupielou1 · 22/01/2023 23:40

And she replied to my message when I said she's right that we can't be friends after last year .. was that I'm obviously not over it but she is. I found her to be very nastistic if that's what it is?

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Renlea · 22/01/2023 23:43

For all you know she could have been going through an awful time and needed a friend too.....

Original poster
loupielou1 · 22/01/2023 23:46

Before our messages she had me on social media and would've seen that I was focusing on me and thriving in my career and for the future. Then after what I had messaged her back she unfriended me. I honestly don't want half arsed friends and I feel this is all very immature at her part and I don't want anything more to do with it. But want to clarify if im ok to feel like this

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Original poster
loupielou1 · 22/01/2023 23:47

@Renlea she was planning her wedding and moving away with her fiancé etc. she likes to tell me how wonderful her life was

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Scumbling · 22/01/2023 23:55

It’s hard to tell from your posts, OP. You say you were best friends but that you didn’t message her when depressed, she regularly messaged you — how long had it been since you’d seen one another when you wanted to meet and she didn’t? Had the friendship already drifted?

MademoiselleTrunchbull · 22/01/2023 23:56

How can we know, OP? We only have one side of the story. Perhaps she is just a fairweather friend or perhaps it was just a bit too much and she felt like your emotional punchbag.

The fact that she specifically said that it was always all about you and that you never asked about her seems to suggest this is at least partly the issue. And the fact that you didn't use this opportunity to take her point on board but instead doubled on how of course it's all about you as a depressed person isn't a great sign either.

I was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder at the age of 16 so I know how it can be all consuming but you can't expect people to continually devote all their energy to your problems whilst appearing to not reciprocate at all. You have to make some kind of effort.

Original poster
loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 00:06

@Scumbling bassically I refused to go out with her on a night out a couple of times as she would always get us to go to some blokes house and she would shag them and when I would say I want to go home she would call me a bore. I would go with her, she would be shagging them (more than one bloke may I add and while she was engaged) and I would wait and take her home with me. Or on the last occasion I actually left her there. So I kind of didn't want to be her friend then anyway. But she would message me asking me to go out and I said no and told her I was going through things and let it all out to her.

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Original poster
loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 00:07

@MademoiselleTrunchbull I didn't use her as an emotional punch bag. Read other comments of how she had treated me the years prior

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Testina · 23/01/2023 00:52

“I would go with her, she would be shagging them (more than one bloke may I add and while she was engaged) and I would wait and take her home with me. Or on the last occasion I actually left her there. So I kind of didn't want to be her friend then anyway.”

Sometimes sexually risky behaviour (both of herself in the moment, and risk to her relationship) is a sign of a mental health issue too.

Sounds like you both have been in a fucked up headspace.

I personally think your judgement off continuing a friendship with someone behaving like that, and I think it’s a bit odd to throw that into the thread.

Testina · 23/01/2023 00:53

Interesting that you split up with your own fiancé for cheating, but were prepared to facilitate her doing the same.

Original poster
loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 01:06

@Testina I have told her I think she has issues herself if she feels the need to cheat and I would help help her and she agreed. And no I didn't like that she cheated. This happened before I was with my ex, I was single at the time. And yes I did mention to her that I couldn't forgive him for cheating on me even if it was just pictures and messages and told her if it was more than I would've been furious more. I personally think that's when she wanted to take a step back from our friendship as she knew what I was saying is what her fiancé would say if he knew that she had physically cheated on him and it hurt her more so she didn't want to be my friend and help me through being cheated on due to her guilt of being that same person. If that makes sense

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MademoiselleTrunchbull · 23/01/2023 01:09

So perhaps she wants to erase all links to her dodgy behaviour now she's getting married.

Original poster
loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 01:09

And totally fucked up headspace isn't really the nicest way to put mental health.

And no I'm not wanting to be her friend anymore... the whole pint in this thread was I thought I was being a little harsh towards her coming back in my life when I'm single and happy and have a better career now and she's there thinking I'll be back to her wants of going out so she can get fucked and I won't say anything. I won't anymore

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Original poster
loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 01:11

@MademoiselleTrunchbull yes I think this too and she was surprised when I agreed to her that I don't think our friendship can resolve after everything in the past either

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JudgeRudy · 23/01/2023 01:20

She told you sometime back that things were basically too intense for her and she could be the friend you wanted. You were furious and told her so but you stated friends on FB. She recently got bin touch just to say hi. Maybe she had seen your positive posts and felt she would test the waters. Rather than taking this as a tentitive hand of friendship, you were enraged at her cheek contacting you after she abandoned you when you really needed her. You told her this by text/messenger and aftervyour long explanation about how you felt you said you couldn't be friends. She did not reply but graciously acknowledged your message and defriended you which is what you wanted.
At no time did you ask how she was.

Your emotions seem intense. Neither of you are benefiting from each other so just stayaway from each other. Sorted!

Original poster
loupielou1 · 23/01/2023 01:31

@JudgeRudy you're right we should stay away which is why I did. She contacted me out of the blue? We have the same friends who know what I've been through and they told me to contact her which I did asking how she was and I apologised if I was a burden back then etc (that was six months ago) my friends said I wasn't a burden, I showed up to gatherings that she didn't attend and I wasn't all oh woe is me etc and then friends said she wasn't really worth bothering with as I showed up and she didn't. So when out of the blue when she messages saying we can't be friends and I don't want to hurt your feelings but I care and how are you. I thought it was just a case of if I'm not your friend then you don't have a reason to know how I am or what I'm doing g anymore

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