I know I'm being unreasonable but can't seem to stop (3rd child related)

[ohfook]

Just like the title says I've wanted a third baby since I had my second. Dh was initially on board but after two miscarriages (one very late and fairly traumatic and one much earlier) he no longer wants this which is totally his prerogative.

I think I'm usually a fairly practical person; I can't think of another time in my life when my heart has been stuck on something that is so clearly not the right thing for our family. Like I know very clearly that to keep trying would mean less time and money for our other kids, more chance of more heartbreak and miscarriages and obviously the environmental impact and the impact on my marriage, but I just can't quite make myself care enough about those reasons and it's becoming a real sticking point. I've spent the day in tears at the prospect that it's off the table so to speak.

So basically I don't need anybody to point out the negatives of more children - I already know! But if you were in this position where you really irrationally wanted something and had to let it go, can you please tell me how you did it without resenting your partner?

Think of the stress you're putting yourself under trying to achieve this. Why not just focus on what you have.

@Maryquitecontrary55 this is what I don't understand. I really am truly lucky with what I have and I know this. At any other point in my life I'd be telling myself to fuck off and stop wallowing. I experienced infertility with my first so I know that wanting a third is a lovely problem compared to the total shitness of desperately trying for your first. It's like my brain doesn't want to drop it though.

I half made this thread because I've reached an impasse today where I know I have to drop it and I've tried to have a word with myself but these ridiculously petty thoughts keep coming into my head - I always compromise, why should I compromise on this.

I purposefully minimised the impact of the second miscarriage on myself because I knew it would trigger some sort of discussion around stopping trying.

I've turned into someone I don't even understand!

How old are your children?

Do you want a child, and can you say with honesty that you and your husband have the financial, and emotional resources to provide comfortably for another child from birth through college? Do you just want another pregnancy experience? There is a major difference between wanting a baby and being prepared to love and adequately provide for another human being from infancy into young adulthood.

Having a baby should not be an end in itself. It should represent the beginning of a very long journey and you should be fully committed and prepared both financially and emotionally to meet all of those long term needs before you attempt to have another child.

Focus on the 2 that you have .

I'm in a similar position OP - would like another however ours is a joint decision due to finances (but as we step further away from the baby years my DH is now becoming set in not wanting to go back) I would love another, I find friends/colleagues baby showers / pregnancy announcements hard and I think about another most days (and then try to shove it in the back of my mind)

I try to keep myself busy- joining groups in the local area - there's a woman's only one here and they meet regularly for cinema/ coffee / museum trips etc it's quite nice to get out of the baby/ child bubble. Is there anything you would like to do / study / take up any hobbies?

I also look forward / find days out & holidays that we can go on - esp fun days out which would be tricky with a baby in tow. We went to alton towers last year overnight it was great fun and wonderful not to drag a pram around or be stuck waving to the eldest as the younger one is too little to ride - my next plan is a day trip to lapland - which would be impossible with a tiny one. We try to schedule after school club / baby sitters / days off together so we can have a chance to reconnect and remember what life was like before we embarked on ttc/ parenthood. We also spent a lot of heartbreaking years ttc our first - it consumes your life and I think its hard finding you feet after those years!

Best of luck I hope you both find peace.

I always wanted 4. Always. I've had 3 MC, all boys and managed to carry 3 girls. After my last MC (late and V traumatic), DH just said that's enough. DD1 could have found me instead of him. It was life threatening. Enough was enough.

I was devastated at the time, but I eventually agreed. 10yrs later am okay with it.

I have two children with a five year age gap. It took a lot of money, IVF and I had many miscarriages along the way, 8 loses between 6-14 weeks. We stopped IVF we had reached our limit but 3 months later found ourselves suddenly pregnant with our son.

I wish we had started trying for a third but I wasn’t brave enough, I’m not sure what would have happened if I lost another baby.

I have a huge pang that there should be at least one more child in our family, I’m not sure it will ever go, maybe it’s because we lost so many. I think there’s a huge element of grief and the fact we got a baby in the end so it’s all ok from the outside. It’s just been different to the journey I pictured.

I think getting older has helped slightly and the dynamics of our family as our children get older. Although I’m clinging onto the the babyhood of my youngest he’s 4 and I still pick him up even tho my back is giving out.

I hope you find peace x