To be worried about ex driving after a fit?

[pinotnow]

Ex has a long-term degenerative illness and fits can be a symptom, though they aren't the main one. He has had this illness for about 20 years, so during our marriage. During our time together he had his first fit and was told not to drive for 12 months, which he didn't. We were together a further 2 years and he had no fits in that time. We've been apart about 8 years.

Last year, I got a phone call from ex-mil in a panic as she had been on the phone to him when there was a thud and it went dead. I'm the only contact she has in town where ex and I live. I called an ambulance and went to his house. After a bit of knocking he opened the door to me looking dazed and with a mark on his forehead. He had no idea what had happened and was saying he was fine, but he definitely seemed disorientated. We're not in constant touch but by a coincidence he had texted me something about the kids earlier that day and had no memory of having done so. He also couldn't find his phone.

Then the ambulance arrived and he said to them that he has epilepsy which is controlled by drugs! I had no idea of this - he definitely didn't have that diagnosis when we were together so I'm assuming that this latest fit (he has admitted it must have been one) must not have been his second, but at least his third. I'm sure that in all the time we have been apart there has not been a period of a year or even 6 months when he has not driven. I can't be sure because he has money problems and doesn't always have a car of his own, but I'm sure he has been driving for most of the time and I would have noticed if not because it would mean me doing all pick-ups and drop-offs, and, while I do most anyway, I'm sure I would have noticed had I done all of them for an entire year.

So I'm worried that while getting his epilepsy diagnosis at some point over the last 8 years he has driven, including with our dc, when he should not have, though I have no way of proving this. He has told the dc he can drive again in 6 months, which is now only a couple of months away. I thought it was a year after a fit? Also, I'd rather he just didn't drive them again. There's no real reason to and I feel the drugs obviously aren't 100% effective.

What do I do?

For epilepsy it is a year without a fit so I would report him to the DVLA if he is driving. I would also sit him down and say that he will not be driving the children around whilst he is being so irresponsible with his life, his children's lives and the general public. He's an absolute idiot.

I know it is inconvenient not to drive but doing so when you put yourself and others in danger is horrific.

report to DVLA - I wouldnt hesitate. You are talking about the possibility of him killing someone on the road

I am undecided about how to vote because it is complicated.

Gov.uk says the driving ban after an isolated seizure is 6 mos and after a seizure with cause the ban is 12 mos. You must self report to the DVLA and failure to do so can result in a fine of up to £1000.

YADNBU to insist that your ex follow the law where your DC are concerned. I would also argue that this is a public service.

If your ex’s degenerative disease is serious enough to affect his driving, his driver’s licence will be time limited and his consultant’s advice will be sought upon application for renewal. YABU to insist on a higher standard than the medico-legal one

Report him to the DVLA. He can kill your kids or someone else. Although we have a family member who hid seizures to keep driving.

PS By a higher standard I am referring to your statement that your ex never drive the DC. I think it enough that he complies with the law but I definitely agree you should insist on that

Thanks everyone - I know I have to do something for everyone's sake. It's really difficult as we don't speak and he gets really hostile if ever told something he doesn't like. I'm cross that he never told me about the diagnosis, even without the driving. It would have been so scary for the dc had he had a fit out of the blue. At least if I had known we could have talked about it and come up with a plan for it. So selfish of him, imo.

So if I email him and ask for details about the situation with his licence I think he just won't reply. Do I then just contact the DVLA? Do I tell him I'm going to do that? What do I tell the dc? He has form for telling them stuff I've done from his perspective to make me look bad.

You can’t do anything about the past and as historically nothing happened to your children or anyone else you need to stop dwelling on that. The future is a different matter, speak with him and ask to see the correspondence from the dvla if he refuses tell him you are going report him to the dvla and your DC can’t travel with him until it’s confirmed ok for him to drive. I wouldn’t care about upsetting him as my DC are more important than his feelings being hurt. I wouldn’t go behind his back, I’d tell him exactly what I was doing.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. It sounds like he needs to adjust his meds, perhaps try a different one. There may be a lot of other options but it can take a long time to find the right treatment, and it can be scary to put yourself at risk of things getting worse with the wrong meds, or unwanted side effects. He also needs to get to know any warning signs he has. It can be really difficult to do this alone, as (speaking for myself) I find it difficult to reason logically in the hours before and after a seizure, and I need an observer to tell me how long it lasted, what I was doing immediately before/after etc.

I think you and perhaps his mum need to have a serious conversation with him about it. Do you have a good enough relationship that you could provide the emotional support he needs to get it under control? If not, you need to just gently but firmly insist that he will not be driving your children anywhere, and leave the emotional support bit to someone else.

The kind of support I needed and that might help your ex…

• DP helped me identify my triggers: lack of sleep, stress, forgetting meds.
• DP bought me a pill box and nagged me till I got into the habit of refilling it every week and taking my meds religiously
• Support finding a good neurologist and regular follow up to adjust meds if they aren’t working. Normally there is an assigned epilepsy nurse who you can contact outside of appointments - your ex should ask at the hospital about this.
• I put on a good face to most people - if you’re going to lose control of your body and memories in public, you have to be able to minimize it and laugh it off somehow. But I know I can be honest with my partner about how frightened I get sometimes, especially as my seizures have increased in frequency over the years and now I have a baby to be responsible for. Does your ex have someone like this in his life? If not, maybe that’s stopping him from facing up to the situation.

I’d also recommend that you and your ex talk to your kids together about it. Explain exactly what his illness entails, what they might see, how to react to a seizure (basic first aid). You don’t want your kids to find out by surprise as a seizure can be terrifying to watch.

I agree with @FineHairHatesDamp about how to proceed. This means your DC won’t be stressed by being asked to, as they may see it, take sides. Her solution is clean.

@Krakinou has excellent ideas also. You may not be in a position to offer this level of support. Could you help him identify someone else who is? Are there support groups? I agree with @Krakinou that your DC need to be prepared to help their dad in the event of finding themselves alone with him during a seizure, and they need to not be scared

I'm not in any position at all to help him at the level suggested by Krkinou, though it's a helpful post that gives great insight into the position he's in. The most likely scenario is that he ignores any correspondence from me on this and then I will unfortunately have to involve the dc in it by telling him they're not to get in a car with him and to call me if he tries to make them. They're 13 and 15, so quite capable of this. To be honest, they're very much aware of his shortcomings from their own observations and if they become aware he's not doing the right thing over this it will just lower their opinion even further.

I'm so angry that he put them in this potentially frightening situation that they could have been prepared for, but agree that the past is the past.

Just do an anonymous report to the DVLA - be ready to swear blind to him it wasn't you.

contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture_transaction_type?transaction_type_id=drivers_medical

The DVLA take this incredibly seriously and will want to see his medical record.

I'd say not unreasonable, partly because I know someone whose epilepsy recurred while driving (quite legally, after the recommended clear period) with fatal consequences - not for the driver, who has been left devastated. Much better to be over cautious and stay safe.

Why lie? How do you explain not wanting the children to get in the car with him?

She can just say that she's not letting the kids in the car with him.

The hospital should write to the DVLA anyway, they did after I had a seizure. So he could have been 'reported' by any number of means, OP can easily deny it.

I’m sorry @blackbeardsballsack but I see no benefit in dishonesty. Lies usually have a way of getting found out.

I can see the benefit. He is prevented from potentially killing people, and the OP is somewhat prevented from being drawn into a stressful war of words with him.

Why not focus on his lies to the DVLA and insurance

He’s prevented by being reported which I support completely and commented as such at the beginning of this post at 11:17.

Seizure, not fit.

Report to DVLA. You should have done it already