Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do gamblers ever change?

19 replies

Ladybug85789 · 22/01/2023 10:48

Met my partner 10 years ago have two children with him ages 5 and 2. I realised quite early on that he had a gambling problem after 3 years of being with him. He gave me his bank card all the wages came to me I managed the money. It’s been that way for the most of 7 years. Even though I manage the money he’s only ever had a national minimum wage. I was making more as a teacher but then reduced my hours considerably when I had children to look after them. He’s quite immature that’s why I prefer to look after the kids. He also smokes weee daily he doesn’t have a lot of it but maybe one joint a day I’m not happy with him smoking the weed. He spends around £500 on himself for going out with friends drinking weed baci etc a month. I buy my clothes childrens clothes from charity shops and never go out with friends myself. We might have McDonald’s once a month me
and kids happy meals etc McFlurry.
We have very little savings because of this but because I don’t work many hours, as long as the bills are paid and I can feed my children I don’t say much. He recently lost his job because of a drug test and he was saying he was wants to handle his money.he got really angry around Christmas as he had been drinking kicked down the tree on Christmas Eve so the kids woke up to a half broken tree. Anyway I gave him his card as I thought we fight about money he feels I don’t give him much as it’s in bits such as £50,£30,20 during the week etc so he feels he’s not getting much. He had his card for a few weeks I put a limit on his card in the app for £20 a day withdrawal and checked his app every other day. He went out two days ago has managed to change his cash withdrawal limit on the app and has gambled £500. We only had about £700 left now in savings. He has said sorry that he will never do it again gave me his card back saying he will stop the weed, alchohol gambling. My question is do these people ever change because over the years when he has messed up he always says the same sorry line but a few weeks later he’s back to going out again.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/01/2023 10:51

over the years when he has messed up he always says the same sorry line but a few weeks later he’s back to going out again.

That's your answer. Your partner has promised change but doesn't change.

FredaFox · 22/01/2023 10:52

Leave him, this is no life for you and your children

ExtraOnions · 22/01/2023 10:53

Yes … but only if they want to

I was. Compulsive Gsmbler, and stopped 4.5 years ago. I had support from my husband (who managed my access to money for a while), Gamcare, and also signed up to Gamstop.

In this I tired to hit the 3 things that allow your addiction to continue: the means, the desire & the opportunity.

With the weed, it looks like he’s swapped one addiction for another. You might need to be a lot tougher here.

R0ckets · 22/01/2023 10:54

No they don't in my experience and from the perspective of someone who has been one of the children in such a relationship please leave him. He's a waste of space and will let you and your children down repeatedly.

Mummadeze · 22/01/2023 10:57

I hate to say this but it sounds like you have resigned yourself to a miserable life by constantly standing by your partner. The gambling is one issue, but the drinking, drugs and the anger is another and just as bad. I did develop a gambling problem for a while but I banned myself from all gaming and betting sites online and got over it. So I do believe people can change but he doesn’t sound like a good partner full stop. I am not with a good partner either, so I know it isn’t an easy thing to change. But if you can find the strength, from an outsiders view, I think you would be happier without him.

BlueSuffragette · 22/01/2023 11:06

You and your children deserve so much better than this. This will be your life unless you leave. He will not change. Raise your bar and tell him it's over.

Lorddenning1 · 22/01/2023 11:08

What do you get out of this relationship, you can stand by him at the expense of your happiness and the life you and your children deserve. If this was me I would end the relationship, how irresponsible that he has lost his job due to drug taking, he needs to grow up and support his family, people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Using the card to gamble all of the money would be the end for me, and that's not including the weed smoking and loss of job. Kick him out he isn't your responsibility and set you me standards higher for you and your children.
Go onto the benefits calculator "entitled to" to see what you could apply for with your current wages.

Hadalifeonce · 22/01/2023 11:10

DH has always gambled, it was never a huge problem. All money went into the joint account, we each had 'spending' money transferred to our own accounts.
Then he managed to gamble 20K from an insurance payout, he was very distressed when he confessed this to me. He promised me it would never happen again, as he saw how this affected me. Then he decided he felt emasculated because he only got pocket money, even though it was £500 per month cash, plus all access to credit card spending.

He then had his salary paid into his own account, and transferred an amount to cover bills into the joint account. I had to prompt him to up it every year. If it looked like we were near going overdrawn I would top up from my savings. I know his salary has gone up way more than he has increased his contribution, he has started receiving a small pension of about £600 pm.

He disappears some Saturday afternoons, so I know damn well he is in the bookies, I have no idea how much he gambles, I have stopped topping up the joint account so we have gone into overdraft for the past 6 months.

I don't think most gamblers do stop, it's just the amount that changes.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/01/2023 11:11

your question shouldn't be "Can they change" but " will he change" and your answer, based on many years experience, is no, your partner is not going to change

NextPrimeMinister · 22/01/2023 11:23

It's not just gambling though is it? Its weed, inability to hold a job a contribute to the household, not trusted to raise his own kids, curtailed your career and future pension as you have to pick up all the slack.

MatildaTheCat · 22/01/2023 11:32

So he’s a gambler who drinks to excess, smokes drugs daily, fails to contribute to the family finances and has violent tendencies?

I hope he’s good in bed!

Seriously, get out now. He’s useless.

Wolfiefan · 22/01/2023 11:35

You could well end up not being able to teach if you’re allowing him to smoke weed at home.
You would be better off without him wouldn’t you?
He is only saying he will stop to manipulate you into staying. He doesn’t mean it. So no he won’t stop.

limitedperiodonly · 22/01/2023 12:00

You have to leave. I am so sorry. But you do. You deserve a better life and your children definitely do.

My uncle was a hopeless gambler, though ever hopeful. He was also very charming and a nice man which it sounds like your partner is not. That's not to say my uncle was a great prospect it's just that he was great company so long as you weren't married to him or didn't lend him any money you couldn't afford to lose.

He was almost a mirror image of my dad - both very good looking - but my dad, the younger brother, always had to look after him which cast my dad as the boring brother. My dad did a very good job of making sure his brother was looked after but never got hold of our money but it must have been exhausting and so unfair just like it must be for you.

A girlfriend with a small child from her previous relationship said to my mum: "I love him so much except for this. What should I do?" My mum, who really liked my uncle at a safe distance, said the girl had to leave. And she did.

Everyone can change their ways, of course they can. But they have to want to and I think gambling is one of the most pernicious addictions there is.

You can, with determination and support, avoid alcohol and drugs by changing your social life and your circle of friends. It's hard but it's do-able. But the encouragement to gamble is everywhere - even those adverts on TV and bus stops saying: "When the fun stops, stop" like it's easy for an addict to stop.

It intrudes on people's lives. You can't really not have a smartphone in 2023 because so much stuff is done online - banking, job applications etc. It's possible but it's restricting.

I don't gamble. Not for any moral reason, I'm just not interested. The last time was when the World Cup was held in Russia in 2018 and there was an office sweepstake which I noticed but didn't mention was organised by the biggest gambler in the office. It's always the way. It's a social thing but some people were buying more tickets at an affordable £5 a go (if you can afford £5 that is) because they got Costa Rica. I got Russia who who were knocked out in the first round I think.

But even so I still get ads on my Facebook because of something I must have said that the algorithm has picked up. I imagine someone who gambles gets loads of them every day and it must be so hard to resist.

I'm not making excuses for your partner. You should leave and you will have a much better life and so will your kids. I promise you. All I'm saying is that a gambling addiction is hard to escape. But you have to look after yourself and your children. Good luck, as gamblers often say. You can make your own luck.

2chocolateoranges · 22/01/2023 12:02

Get rid, you can’t trust him and he has proven time and time again that he can’t be trusted .

Hereandgoneagain · 22/01/2023 12:09

You could almost be describing my stepson here. I’ve watched him destroy two partners’ lives and make so many ‘fresh starts’. He always reverts back to type.

Survey99 · 22/01/2023 12:11

He is not a victim of his illegal drug taking and gambling addiction. He chooses not to seek help and will not change. You and your children are the victims.

You and your children deserve better.

Some tough decisions to make, painful short term, but ultimately better.

user1471538283 · 22/01/2023 12:17

I think gamblers can stop like other addicts if they want to. But its every day choosing not to do it for the rest of their lives.

My ex was a gambler and he saw us go without so he could gamble and drink. He refused to stop or get help. His every waking moment revolved around himself. He didn't love me. He didn't want anything for me. I was just useful. I hate him to the bottom of my soul.

Please leave. He will financially ruin you and your DC.

tiger2691 · 22/01/2023 12:17

I'm a (ex) slot machine junkie, even though I haven't played for years, it's always inside me to want to play. I never had any/ much spare money, apart from the good spells, which could last months then bang it was all gone, in a few days.

Gambling is an illness, I also suffer from other obsessions and addictions. I used to play more when I was depressed and drunk, then I became more depressed, plus the guilt, to the point of suicidal ideation.

Your man can change but it's going to be hard, he needs professional help, he has a lot of issues and problems.

LarryStylinson · 22/01/2023 12:23

Imagine what you would say if it was your daughter or son who came to you for advice in the future about a partner like this. Then take that advice.
I'm separating from an addict. Not gambling but other addictions. It's not on you to be 'tough', he's got to make the changes

New posts on this thread. Refresh page