Teens and Sex Chat

[MagnificentDelurker]

Hi All,

Apologies for posting in AIBU as I need a bit traffic.
I am writing on behalf of a friend who is not on this forum but is in need of advice. She lives in Canada and has soon to be 14 year old. She has accidentally come across a very sexual explicit chat on her son's telephone to another classmate. She has also found naked pictures of her son on the phone.

She has confronted the son who claims that has son sent the pictures and at this moment she has to take this at face value. She comes from a very conservative background but wants to receive advice from a range of people. She feels uncomfortable and disgusted by what she has found but wants to act rationally and in the interest of her son and the other child that is involved. She is afraid that her judgement is very clouded by her background.

I have given her limited advice mostly regarding first physical safety of the children should they do anything more than a chat and then making sure that they don't expose themselves to legal issues and possibly abuse if they fall out and the chat and the pictures get distributed.

Please let me know what you would do or have done if you have been in this situation.

Sorry the typos make this difficult to understand.

Have two children exchanged nudes.

Teens are curious around sex. Is the classmate a similar age?
It's illegal in the UK to share such pictures without consent and as the children are underage, this would be a serious offence if those images were even discovered on his phone or his friends.
It might be worth your friend finding out what the law is where she lives.
I would have a conversation around the wisdom of using their phones in this way - possibly illegal, certainly potentially very embarrassing.
Time to also have serious conversations around boundaries, respect and safe sex/contraception.

It is not clear. She has only found her son’s nude pictures and they were not part of any chat.

The son claims that no pictures were exchanged.

So he's taking pics of himself and not sent them to anyone?
I'd be having a chat about the law and the trouble he would be in if he did share them.
And talking about respect and the fact that once those photos are out there he has no control over them.
Other than that not a lot. He's a teenager who is growing and changing. It's not the end of the world.

Consent is a key message here. This video does it really well, hopefully it works in Canada.

Also find out the law in Canada as some teens here have found themselves the wrong side of it.

Maybe she could speak to the school discreetly and ask them if they can go through the law on this topic as well so everyone (senders and recievers) understands the consequences.

Limit internet access if not already done so. Access to porn gives teenage boys the wrong ideas about boundaries and expectations.

Thanks this is good advice. She is also worried about her son having sex early and wants to delay this. And she is not sure if her opposition to teen sex is her background speaking or is it in the interest of the child.

I have given my opinion that early teen sex is certainly not desirable but not the end of the world if parents are there to pick up the pieces.

However I don’t have enough practical advice on how to persuade the child to stay away from sex.

Not sure if relevant but the son is diagnosed as having ADHD.

Let's assume he is being truthful and hasn't sent them. Perhaps with the caveat of saying - in theory, if someone had nudes of you - get them deleted asap.
Explain again the risks of doing so - underage pics are illegal to possess and cannot be recalled once sent.

Thanks she has already limited internet access.

I think it is relevant that her son has ADHD. I'm no expert but I think people with ADHD are more vulnerable to impulsive and risky behaviour, add that to teen hormones and you have a tricky combination.
I would approach from the direction of waiting until you are in a respectful and loving relationship before embarking on sex, but to realistically understand that may not happen! Safe sex has to be a key message.

Thanks good idea!