Sibling problems

[Dente]

My siblings and I decided to organise a weekend away for my Mother’s birthday. Everyone was very keen when the idea was floated (not my idea).

Now my brother is making sounds like he can’t afford it ( which would be fine), but is asking my other sibling and I to foot the bill because he has a lot of other financial commitments this month. Not only that, he is also dictating the budget! Wants to stay in alternative accommodation, cheapest activities etc.

Backstory: Didn’t attend my wedding a couple of years ago due to prioritising wive’s friend’s wedding. I don’t get on with his wife at all. She is extremely rude/smug/condescending and seems to make purposely triggering statements ( towards me) and to be perfectly honest I just haven’t recovered from the hurt she caused. I’ve lent my brother money in the past and getting it back is like pulling teeth and I always end up coming out as the bad one. Despite the fact he is always talking about how much money he makes !

Im sure my parents would like all their children there, but I just don’t really want to put myself out for him after all that’s happened. Really not sure what to do! Open to any advice!

If he can't afford to go then he can't go.

Don't lend him the money, you will struggle to get it back. His outgoings aren't your problem.

No way. Tell him very clearly that if he wants to be there he needs to pay his own way and he’s not in charge of any of it while he’s implying he can’t afford it. I’d cut him out of planning, carry on with other siblings and tell him how much his share will be. More fool other siblings if they pay for him and you can’t stop them, but you can tell them you won’t be involved and that he’s known for not paying loans back graciously.

What does the other sibling say?

How upset will your Mom be id he's not there? Does she know the plan? Can you scrap the idea entirely?
. Sorry Dave, there's no way I can lend you even half and Mom wouldn't want to do X and Y jsut because it's cheaper. Let's forget going away this year, and we'll look at again** next year when you've had chance to save.

I agree that if he wants to be there, he pays to be there. Otherwise, just go with your other sibling.

Aside from the odd, 'it's a shame John couldn't be here', I'm sure you will all have a much nicer time anyway.

Ask him how much he can afford to contribute. You and other sibling put the same amount in and see what it gets you. If it's less time or less fancy then so be it. He shouldn't have agreed to a weekend away if he couldn't afford it.

You could always take your parents away yourself.

@SleepingStandingUp I think my Mother would rather him be there, but if he couldn’t afford it she would understand. But if I could facilitate him being there and just didn’t then I think she would probably think I’m being selfish!

My other sibling is quite a bit younger than us with no real financial responsibilities and he hasn’t replied to my other sibling (yet).

I also think you need to deal with this specific situation then at some point have a heart to heart with brother about the hurt over wedding etc. That sounds really hurtful to me. It's a ticking time bomb in your relationship and it would be better to air it than wait for a difficult situation like this and have it all come out in an angry way that damages the relationship further.

Basically - don't get in a slanging match and end up not talking to your brother, that is not the birthday present that your mother wants!

Absolutely reply saying to him sorry you can't make it but that you are not in a position to pay his share.
Breezily tell him he can treat your mum another way.

The thing is about “going somewhere cheaper” is that I don’t really feel like compromising after what’s happened in the past. Would rather just sack the plan altogether.

If it were my other sibling I probably would have footed the bill to have him there.

How can I word this to him without being branded as the bad one ?

I wouldn't organise/pay until everyone can afford their share

Why would your mum expect you to financially support your brother to attend a weekend away? Is he by any chance the golden child?

Sounds like it would be better for sibling not to come. They cant afford it and even the cheaper version is probably an expense they could do without. So you genuinely aren't the bad one if you stick with plan and don't lend him money.

"Understand January is a tight month after Christmas, if you would rather skip it that's fine. Unfortunately not able to lend you the money this time"

Dont need to elaborate that the reason you wont lend the money is previous problems repaying or because skipped wedding etc

Can he just come for lunch or is it too far away?

I'd send him something like this

Sorry to hear you having a hard month , totally get it , I'm in the same boat !
Love the plan we made for mum, shall we postpone for a year to allow us all to save or just plan a family meal celebration at home
What do you all think ?

He lives overseas unfortunately a quick lunch isn’t possible.

I’d reply by saying you also have financial commitments this month, so unfortunately won’t be able to pay his contribution.

I think it would be unfair of your DM to be annoyed at you for not paying his share! Why would she? Does your DB play in this maybe?

Suggest making alternative arrangements that don’t involve a weekend away.