I'm so so tired of being too nice, lacking assertiveness and being sh*t on in every area of life

[Wearescientists1]

Whether that be relationship, job, friends. I've been too nice my entire life and it's really getting me down, I'm taken advantage of by so many people. I'm just so fed up. Any tips would be great.

No tips sorry OP but you sound like me. I’ll be following with interest!

Put yourself first, not others. Be selfish sometimes, you are allowed to be. If you don't stand up for yourself, then how (or why) do you expect others to? That's a lesson I've had to learn in life. It's fine to be vulnerable in private but have a tough exterior on the outside and give off a vibe that you're not going to tolerate being messed with.

You can only get taken advantage of if you let people. So don't:

"Can you do X for me?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I just told you no, that's why not."

Take the time to figure out what exactly is getting you down right now, think of it in small chunks.

You say people are taking advantage, but who and in what way, why are you letting them and how can you stop them.

Eg kids are expecting you to be their servant and doing nothing to help.

• what do you want them to do?
• have you ever asked them to do it?
• if you have, what did you do when they didn't do what you asked?
• what consequences could you stick to if you asked for the help now and they didn't do it?

Example: You ask them to put their washing in the laundry bin, do their own rooms and do the washing up after dinner on Monday and Friday. Consequence is no pocket money or that the wife is turned off for 24 hrs.

Implement that one change. Once you've got that sorted, move on to the next small change.

Say no to everything you don't want to do.
No apologies, no guilt.
Especially if it's what people have expected you to do.
Fuck off the people who use you, they aren't your friends. Do stuff for yourself and only for others if you want to and they really need you in particular. I realised that lots of people are pretty lazy if others enable them. Never lend anyone money (I don't include my dc in this but there would have to be a very good reason).
Read about boundaries. Never change who you are though, if you are nice stay that way, being nice doesn't equal being a doormat.

Read some self help books on self-esteem and invest in counselling.

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is a classic, but there are many others.

Also following with interest as I can't seem to stop meeting people who take advantage of my good nature.

I used to be like that. I remember the first time I said, 'No' to someone asking for a favour they looked absolutely shocked and deeply offended. They took it personally as I always said yes to everything anyone asked, however knackered I was, however over scheduled.

There's a couple of things you can do to quickly turn your situation around.

IMO, the easiest one is to start honest-whinging. This is a trick where as soon as someone asks you to do something, you say. 'You know I can't right now. I am so worn down. I've been over-committing to all sorts of things and running around after everyone else and I just desperately need a break. You understand.'

No one can argue with that one. It is true.

If you have the balls, learn to simply say. 'No, sorry. That doesn't work for me.' If challenged, keep your cool and say, 'You'll have to find someone else. I can't do it.' Long term, this is a far more assertive and empowering method than honest whinging.

To harden your heart, take a long look at how often people go out of their way to support you when you need help. If they don't, you need to feel no guilt at ditching your help to them.

To improve your self care, ask for help. Some people ask for help all the time and others give it all the time. Rebalance this. Think about twhat you need help and support with and ask for it - whether it's professional mentoring, medical advice, a mate to discuss an issue with etc... just learn to ask.

If you find it hard to say no on that spot, just don't say yes. Say "I'm not sure at the moment. Do you need an answer now?" If they say yes, say "In that case I'll have to say no as I don't know if I can do this." If they say no, go away, have a think about whether it's something you really want to do and then if not text a reply saying "sorry, I'm not able to help with that."

Thanks everyone I really appreciate these prompt and helpful replies.
It's also in the sense of people thinking they can push me around, tell me what to do, make little 'comments' or jokes about me , even if I'm a lot older or more senior to them.
However if you ever question it you're labelled as too sensitive as it's just 'banter'.

Give yourself time to think rather than agreeing to requests:
’I’ll need to think about it.’
’I don’t know what my plans are yet.’

Rather than saying ‘no’ straight away if that’s something you’d find hard. Personally, I found the nerve required to assert myself when I’d been wronged and stand up for myself, even if it felt uncomfortable, was better than the self/rage I felt when I didn’t. It gets easier with practice, age … and the menopause!

Have a long look at the list of people who call you when they want a favour, money, to borrow something, help with school fund raising crap. Do any of those people ring you just for a chat, ask you for a coffee without wanting anything, do nice things for you just because you are you. If the answer is no and they are contacting you because you are soft, useful, a guaranteed yes then distance yourself from now. If they call you ,let it go through to message. Listen to the message when you choose. If it's asking you to do something/ telling you they've put you down for baking 5,000 buns for Friday, text back and say ' I'm so sorry X I'd love to help but I just haven't got time to do that. Please feel free to ask me another time ". Obviously when next time happens you will say no again. You've said no but you've said it so pleasantly that they have nowhere to go with it.They can't bitch about you ( if that bit bothers you) because you have been perfectly polite. But you've still said no. Next time they ring don't respond to their text/ voice message for a day or so. When you do you are sadly too busy.Repeat, repeat, repeat. In the end they will find someone else

I find watching comedy where the characters are good at taking down an insult is helpful. You don't have to be offensive back, but you can practise ways to throw the insult right back in a non upsetting way. Some of my most basic go to replies to insults are "how long have you been thinking up that joke?" Or "you've been waiting ages to use that joke haven't you?" You could just say something simple like "wow good one". You don't need to be personal back. Maybe practise writing some scenarios down where you've been insulted and write down your come backs. I believe practise makes perfect. You could also use their topic of insult to show how insecure they are. One time I was watching a musical film and someone was trying to insult the type of film I like by saying how much they hated it. "I just turned to them and said 'too much joy for you right?'" they were quiet after that. Because it's not a personal insult, listing off something wrong with something they do like, but just showing them that the problem is with them, rather than you, or what you're doing. Sorry if this is rambling, I just know where you've been, and all that helped me was improv classes. Try watching Friends for inspo- the females all have a lot of self worth. Also remember, if people are trying to pull you down, it's because you have something of value.

MN hates tik tok but there are some absolutely brilliant videos on there about how to deal with someone who is being passive aggressive or trying to make you the butt of the group joke. Some of the techniques don't require you to actually say anything at all and you could practice them at home. There are lots of psychologists on there talking about why women, in particular, feel the need to be good and kind and people please and ways to break it. Nice people can still say no Op.

You can still be nice and have boundaries. That’s rule no.1.

I think people pleasers feel that saying no or refusing other people is somehow ‘nasty’ and that doesn’t fit their image of themselves. But to have rock solid boundaries means you can be, and give, much more to the people you actually care about because you’re not worried about people taking advantage. You know they can’t because your own boundaries protect you.

Please watch some of Brene Brown’s stuff on YouTube. Particularly a conversation she has with Russell Brand where she talks about a difficult conversation she has to have with a friend and neighbour who oversteps. It’s so obvious and the grown up thing to do - not easy - but easier than living like a doormat all your life.

For a start, stop thinking of it in self-congratulatory terms. You’re not ‘too nice’, your behaviour is a matter of craven people-pleasing, poor boundaries and fear of others. Reframe it like a bad habit you’re trying to quit.

I’m guessing it’s the workplace and some young up and comer is taking dogs at you then when you call them out get told you’re sensitive and it’s banter?

If so been there , when they say it’s banter a firm no it’s rude! On repeat, who cares if they get upset they are only pulling you down to push themselves up so call them out.

My tip is to make changes one step at a time. Find a way to say 'no' that is generic and polite, then challenge yourself to use it just once. One single time. See what happens. If you like it, you can try it again.

@Wearescientists1

However if you ever question it you're labelled as too sensitive as it's just 'banter'.

If you can, say "the word 'banter' is so often used to bully others - I really dislike it".

Good luck OP 🌹

The first no is the hardest. It gets easier. Practice saying in your head. If you're going to see someone who takes advantage, imagine them asking you and you saying no back. Visualise it. Then when the reality happens it's like you're following a script. Once you start saying no you'll find how much easier it gets and those users will melt away.

My tip. Learn to let other people's problems slide by without getting involved. The impetus to jump in and help must be cured. Next thing you know, someone else has stepped up or it's just moved on....

Firstly, you have realised this is a pattern and you want to change. That is a great first step! I didn't know much about people pleasing etc until the last few years, when I started learning about trauma and personality traits like people pleasing, and how they often contribute to chronic conditions (I had been suffering chronic pain for years previously). It's eye opening. Biggest help for me has been journaling, using Nicole Sachs' journalspeak method. That along with self compassion and various other internal work, has changed my life. If you're interested in the journaling, Nicole has a fantastic podcast e.g. podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/episode-170-the-roots-of-people-pleasing/id1439580309?i=1000551468434

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-79-the-side-effects-of-people-pleasing/id1439580309?i=1000473229365

Also the book "How to do the work" by Nicole LePera is a fantastic read on boundary setting and just generally getting your life to a more balanced place. She's the Holistic Psychologist on instagram and well worth a follow.

People pleasing and all you describe are ways of behaviour we have grown into, as ways to keep us safe. We can relearn as adults that we don't need to fall into these patterns anymore, and find true safety in ourselves.

This is a brilliant thread. I can't wait to listen and read all the links shared on this thread. I have the same issue and I want to change before it starts to affect my child. For instance, he doesn't have to share his personal toy, he can say no but with a people pleaser mummy worried and anxious about being fair and square I don't want to ruin my child for him to become like me in the future. I want him to say no, I want him to be able to say he doesn't want to play with so and so instead of putting up with people just for the sake of it.