Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To loudly tell my dd 12 that

30 replies

Barbrawalters · 21/01/2023 21:46

Her friends were not being friends to her whilst they were nearby

after they invited her over then disinvited her and left her out

i feel guilty now

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 21/01/2023 21:47

Sometimes you need to highlight unpleasant behaviour. Better than letting her get bullied.

Beamur · 21/01/2023 21:47

Horrible behaviour from the 'friends'
Is this part of a pattern?

Original poster
Barbrawalters · 21/01/2023 21:50

Beamur · 21/01/2023 21:47

Horrible behaviour from the 'friends'
Is this part of a pattern?

From one of the girls yes! From the other not so much

OP posts:
HavingColleaguesSucksSomedays · 21/01/2023 21:52

They sound awful . Why do kids have to do shit like this to each other 😔

mistopheles · 21/01/2023 21:54

I would have done the same. Your DD needed to hear it and the friends/not friends also needed to hear it.

Original poster
Barbrawalters · 21/01/2023 21:55

I just worry I’ll be the bad mum now and make her look worse but that’s what I thought - it’s the same old shitty behaviour from one of them!

OP posts:
Mariposista · 21/01/2023 22:11

Nasty little pieces of work. Girls can be so spiteful. Poor DD. Have a lovely family day tomorrow and hope she finds some better friends soon.

PinkSyCo · 21/01/2023 22:33

Does your 12 year daughter think you were being unreasonable or not? That’s what really matters isn’t it?

Original poster
Barbrawalters · 21/01/2023 22:46

She told me not to say it at the time but after she said she is glad I did say it

OP posts:
Blacknosugarplease · 21/01/2023 22:48

mistopheles · 21/01/2023 21:54

I would have done the same. Your DD needed to hear it and the friends/not friends also needed to hear it.

This. Awful behaviour from her ‘friends’.

Original poster
Barbrawalters · 22/01/2023 10:19

it just breaks my heart for her as she’s been through this before and we thought it was over
same friend resurfaces and it starts again

OP posts:
Iwantmyoldnameback · 22/01/2023 10:21

I would have done and I'd be worrying about it too.

BigMadAdrian · 22/01/2023 10:31

Some people are just horrible and sadly it seems it is quite often hardwired into them at home, as I have seen on here on numerous occasions:

'dc shouldn't have to be friends with someone they don't like'
'we shouldn't interfere in friendships at this age'
'it isn't dc's fault if so and so is socially awkward'
'it isn't my dc's responsibility to look after so and so'

Always said by the parents of the 'alpha' dc who never have to worry about them being left out, picked on, etc. It's a shitty power trip.

My dd was diagnosed with autism last year - at the assessment the doctor drew out a diagram of the social order of the playground - it looked like a satellite picture of a hurricane with the 'populars' at the centre and everyone else trying to cling on in various ways (apart from the sensible groups who stayed out of it).

You did the right thing to say something - I wish I had when dd was going through something similar - but the girls who made her feel worthless are still skipping about thinking they are the bees knees.

5128gap · 22/01/2023 11:06

PinkSyCo · 21/01/2023 22:33

Does your 12 year daughter think you were being unreasonable or not? That’s what really matters isn’t it?

Well not really, no. 12 year olds think a lot of the things their parents do and say are unreasonable. Frequently they are wrong.
In this case the DD probably just doesn't want to challenge these girls poor treatment of her, in the mistaken belief this will keep their friendship. She lacks the maturity to understand that this is not in her best interests.

Original poster
Barbrawalters · 22/01/2023 11:27

5128gap · 22/01/2023 11:06

Well not really, no. 12 year olds think a lot of the things their parents do and say are unreasonable. Frequently they are wrong.
In this case the DD probably just doesn't want to challenge these girls poor treatment of her, in the mistaken belief this will keep their friendship. She lacks the maturity to understand that this is not in her best interests.

Show quote history

I agree with this so much
as it turns out I encouraged her to leave the situation earlier and by her choice rather than it being because of them
took her to a family party where she was made a fuss of and lots of fun pics on social media (I don’t care if I’m petty it’s how they work) and then she had another friend for a sleepover.
wjeh the girls messaged her I advised to ignore! Hopefully iv taught her how to deal with such situations and that she can take control by walking away from people when they act shitty

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbrawalters · 22/01/2023 12:12

Sorry to hear about you dd
i swear it’s more painful watching them go through it than experiencing it yourself

OP posts:
Lordofthebutterfloofs · 22/01/2023 12:15

I do this everytime

Neighbours kid treats my eldest like shit unless he has something he wants to use, like his new birthday bike or his drone ect ect. I put the stopper on it every time I see it and when the kid asks why, I tell him why.

Teach your kids not to be doormats for the sake of friendships!

Original poster
Barbrawalters · 22/01/2023 13:49

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 22/01/2023 12:15

I do this everytime

Neighbours kid treats my eldest like shit unless he has something he wants to use, like his new birthday bike or his drone ect ect. I put the stopper on it every time I see it and when the kid asks why, I tell him why.

Teach your kids not to be doormats for the sake of friendships!

How do you think it works out?
mom torn between it will be ok and they will not do it again and it will just make it worse for her!

OP posts:
JoyPeaceHealth · 22/01/2023 13:51

She may not have wanted you to risk making the situation worse but I think it will be good for her self-esteem long term that you voiced your intolerance of their behaviour to her. There was no gaslighting. No minimising.

JoyPeaceHealth · 22/01/2023 13:55

@Barbrawalters I think that every time this happens to you, you handle it a little differently the next time, depending on how supported you felt the last time.

I honestly believe that knowing that there's a strong supportive parent in your corner gives you more confidence.

The next situation will be different. Different place. Different girls. But because of you she will know, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS

Original poster
Barbrawalters · 22/01/2023 13:58

JoyPeaceHealth · 22/01/2023 13:55

@Barbrawalters I think that every time this happens to you, you handle it a little differently the next time, depending on how supported you felt the last time.

I honestly believe that knowing that there's a strong supportive parent in your corner gives you more confidence.

The next situation will be different. Different place. Different girls. But because of you she will know, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS

Aw thank you this really means a lot because that’s what I want for her to know she can get up and walk away and be with people that do appreciate her

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbrawalters · 22/01/2023 13:59

JoyPeaceHealth · 22/01/2023 13:51

She may not have wanted you to risk making the situation worse but I think it will be good for her self-esteem long term that you voiced your intolerance of their behaviour to her. There was no gaslighting. No minimising.

Thank you! I’m starting to feel more confident in my decision now

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 22/01/2023 14:08

Yes, I agree that this behaviour needs to be called out. I learned early on (from my DAd) not to put up with this. A couple of girls learned quickly that I could not be pushed around like this and it is much better for kids’ self- esteem that they learn they must never put up with spiteful behaviour. Trying to
mollify them never works.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 22/01/2023 14:16

It's already paying dividends on my side.

He came to me with a problem last week around a friend being horrid to him whenever he chose to include others in their games.

After a few questions to gauge the situation I was able to explain that friend sounds jealous and wants you to just be their friend but that that's not OK and he is allowed more than one friend.

He said 'I will tell him he can join in and be nice or he will not be my friend. Friends aren't mean to each other'

Win 💪

Chumpfriend · 22/01/2023 14:32

Mine are all adults now but gosh I remember this crap. They eventually became the ‘sensible’ ones (according to a post up thread) and stayed out of it.

We had all the so-called misfits at our house through the years and I’m delighted to say that many of these lovely kids have gone on to be really successful - actors, barristers, bankers, dancers - whilst many of the ‘popular’ crowd still seem to be in the same social group, repeating the same crap. Learnt behaviour from their parents.

You’ve done a great thing for your daughter OP. Teaching self respect, resilience and independent thought is something everyone should do for their kids if they can.