Ex making plans then not showing up

SpinningFloppa · 2023-01-21T12:05:05+00:00

My ex talks to my son on the phone. He hasn’t seen him in a month, they speak occasionally maybe every couple of weeks. The thing is he keeps making plans to come and see him then not turning up. He’s done it again this weekend, told my son on Tuesday he will come down to see him this weekend then my son hasn’t heard from him again. Will this be “good” for my son so he can see what his father is really like? So he can’t blame me for anything? (Been told this is a good thing)

GoldilockMom · 21/01/2023 12:08

Well yes - he can see what sort of father he is- however it does mean you have to deal with the fall out.

Dont lie for him, just state the facts, in that you don’t know why he hasn’t come, or if he is coming and will be late.

Maybe coach your son to ask him on the next call.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 12:11

They don’t speak on the phone it’s just messages. I don’t lie for him, I just say I don’t know.

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Thatboymum · 21/01/2023 12:19

My oldest ds14 dad done this, I was very supportive of there relationship, he would text when it suited him and often not respond to things including happy Father’s Day/Birthday texts which hurt my ds yet he still tried his heart out to see and speak to him and thought this man was amazing, it went on for a year until ds attempted to commit suicide because in his words the pain was too much and the lack of understanding why he wasn’t good enough got too much, I’ll never forget hearing him saying it hurts mum my whole body is aching. So from that perspective no it’s really not always good for them to see themself how shit they are and can cause so much long term damage

Poppyblush · 21/01/2023 12:31

How old is your kid? Just don’t excuse the ex and your dc will realise what a shit he is. Hard lesson for your kid, appalling behaviour from the ex.

Ihatethenewlook · 21/01/2023 12:33

How old is your ds, and how upset is he getting? Id let it happen a couple of times, and from then on just tell him you’ll have to stop the arrangements with his father as he doesn’t turn up. It’s not fair to allow your ds to be constantly disappointed by him

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 18:17

Thatboymum · 21/01/2023 12:19

My oldest ds14 dad done this, I was very supportive of there relationship, he would text when it suited him and often not respond to things including happy Father’s Day/Birthday texts which hurt my ds yet he still tried his heart out to see and speak to him and thought this man was amazing, it went on for a year until ds attempted to commit suicide because in his words the pain was too much and the lack of understanding why he wasn’t good enough got too much, I’ll never forget hearing him saying it hurts mum my whole body is aching. So from that perspective no it’s really not always good for them to see themself how shit they are and can cause so much long term damage

Oh that’s heart breaking 😔

ive been told it will be “good” for my son to learn what his dad is like for himself but ds is only 10 so I’m not sure he is emotionally mature enough to “learn for himself” but also I don’t want to stop them speaking so I don’t really know where to go from here. It will be absolutely pointless me saying anything to ex he doesn’t care or see why it’s a problem.

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Christmaspyjamas · 21/01/2023 18:50

I'm not sure how it can be good for anyone to be let down, disappointed and lied to.

Your son is learning that people aren't reliable, that he isn't a priority, that his needs don't matter and no one sticks up for him.

Because that's what neglected children learn.

I think you'd do much better to address this directly.

I'm amazed anyone said this would be good for your son. You'd never say that about an adult who was lied to and let down.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 19:27

Christmaspyjamas · 21/01/2023 18:50

I'm not sure how it can be good for anyone to be let down, disappointed and lied to.

Your son is learning that people aren't reliable, that he isn't a priority, that his needs don't matter and no one sticks up for him.

Because that's what neglected children learn.

I think you'd do much better to address this directly.

I'm amazed anyone said this would be good for your son. You'd never say that about an adult who was lied to and let down.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4716809-is-it-always-beneficial?reply=122968589

I was definitely told to let him see for himself what his father is like, but he is only 10 so I’m not sure he’s old enough to deal with it himself, his father doesn’t even make up an excuse he just doesn’t contact him, so he wouldn’t say sorry can’t come today etc. there’s no point saying anything to my ex we’ve argued and argued about it and he doesn’t care or see why it is an issue.

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Christmaspyjamas · 21/01/2023 19:30

Yes I can see it must be really difficult for you.

You know your son best...can he talk to.you about he feels about it all? That would help I hope.

I fear that he might be years and years off reaching the decision he doesn't want his Dad in his life....that pattern if intermittent attention, hope and rejection cam be quite potent in making people crave the abusive person.

Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 19:33

Can you not follow up with him when he’s said this to your son so that you can try and find out if he’s not going to show?

Puppers · 21/01/2023 19:33

Is there a contact order in place? What is your son's reaction when this happens?

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 19:35

Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 19:33

Can you not follow up with him when he’s said this to your son so that you can try and find out if he’s not going to show?

No I refuse to chase him, if he wants to see him he can message me but I’m not going to chase him I’ve done my time chasing him and I’m not doing it anymore.

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Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 19:36

Puppers · 21/01/2023 19:33

Is there a contact order in place? What is your son's reaction when this happens?

No no contact order, my son is upset but he knows what is like now.

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Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 19:37

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 19:35

No I refuse to chase him, if he wants to see him he can message me but I’m not going to chase him I’ve done my time chasing him and I’m not doing it anymore.

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But your son is only 10 it’s not his job to do it, it’s yours and his dads. If you found out he’d not coming you could let your son down gently rather than watching his heartache waiting for someone that doesn’t show.

OriGanOver · 21/01/2023 19:42

I'd take his phone off of him or block his dad/change his number.

I would tell the dad that he makes plans through you. Then - what I did with dd, not tell her. If he told me he was coming Saturday at 10, I'd get dd ready and give him till 11 and then take dd out. She didn't know she was being let down. I never wanted her to be that kid waiting at the window for her dad to not show.

She's 17 now and really well rounded. Her shit dad has not had a huge impact on her life. He's a LOT better now she's older but still not reliable.

I always made her dads silly ways into a joke so she never felt in the middle or let down. We'd say silly daddy and crack on with something fun if he let her down in other ways.

Hankunamatata · 21/01/2023 19:51

A 10 year old shouldn't have to deal with this on a phone. Take sim out, delete any online messaging. If dad wants tell him to ring the house or ring you.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 19:52

Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 19:37

But your son is only 10 it’s not his job to do it, it’s yours and his dads. If you found out he’d not coming you could let your son down gently rather than watching his heartache waiting for someone that doesn’t show.

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He wouldn’t tell me either, he does the same, makes plans to come then doesn’t show up, but as you can see from my other thread I was told to let him see for himself and not to get involved so I’m confused on what to do for the best. If he makes plans with me to come he does the same thing doesn’t show up and doesn’t contact me if he isn’t coming to explain he just won’t say anything, I mean I’m not chasing him and asking if he is coming if he doesn’t message me I leave him to it.

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Puppers · 21/01/2023 19:55

Having seen the impact of this kind of shit on my own DH, even into adulthood, I'd be taking charge of this situation.

If your son is 10 he's old enough for you to have a fairly frank discussion with, especially since this is not hidden behaviour that you are "exposing" and he is well aware of what's happening. I'd sit him down, tell him that what his dad is doing is not OK and you are worried about the impact on him. That you are his mum and it is your job to protect him, even if he doesn't think he needs protecting. That you won't ever stand in the way of him having a relationship with his dad, but that you need to manage things so that he is protected as much as possible while he's still young.

10 is too young to have unsupervised access to a phone, whether it's yours or his. I'd vet all incoming messages and supervise phone use closely. If his dad messages to promise a visit, I'd message back telling him to call or text to confirm an hour before he expects to arrive. Then don't tell DS. If he contacts on the day to confirm, great news. DS has an hour to get ready. If he doesn't get in touch then DS is none the wiser and doesn't have the crushing experience of anticipating contact that never happens. He will still learn that his father is a deadbeat because he still won't see him; he just won't have the constant cycle of hope - excitement - anticipation - disappointment.

Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 20:01

SpinningFloppa · 21/01/2023 19:52

He wouldn’t tell me either, he does the same, makes plans to come then doesn’t show up, but as you can see from my other thread I was told to let him see for himself and not to get involved so I’m confused on what to do for the best. If he makes plans with me to come he does the same thing doesn’t show up and doesn’t contact me if he isn’t coming to explain he just won’t say anything, I mean I’m not chasing him and asking if he is coming if he doesn’t message me I leave him to it.

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If he makes plans with you don’t tell your son… then it doesn’t let him down. I haven’t seen your other thread but I’d say ‘not getting involved’ is bad advice when your child is 10. Yeah he will learn eventually that his dad is a waste of space, but he’s little he doesn’t need that anxiety and heartbreak of waiting for his dad to show. If it was me I’d do anything to protect him from that. When he’s older he will see his dad for what he is, but right now he just needs to be a kid.