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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to move

15 replies

Grapeuk · 21/01/2023 10:37

Bit of background. My partner moved in with me and my son (9) a couple of years ago. He's not originally from this area but when we first met he said he was happy with wherever he lived, and I made it clear I didn't want to move far from my home town if we ever did. My life and family are here and also my job. He was ok with this. He got a job about an hours commute (driving) away when he moved here.
Hes said he wants to move closer to his work due to the commute. This would mean moving further from my job (making my commute longer) but more importantly we are due to apply for secondary school places for my son at the end of this year (for Sept 2024 start) and the reason I moved to the town we currently live in when my son was young was because the schools are excellent. I want him to go to secondary school here.

If we moved where he wants to, it would mean my son going to school elsewhere. It would also mean I'd potentially have to leave my job which I dont want to do. I have an excellent support network there and a degree of flexibility which I'm not sure I'd get elsewhere.

I've said I dont mind moving a little further out (think 20-30 mins) but only once DS has his place secured at a school here as I could drop him and pick him up on my way to and from work. Anything further it wouldn't be worth me staying at my job due to the amount I earn and the higher petrol costs etc.

We've been through a lot in the past year (I lost my mum last year) and since then have struggled massively with change so I dont know if I am being unreasonable because of my own issues with that or if I am right to believe that he moved here knowing I didn't want to leave and chose to apply for the job hes doing knowing how far it was.

If it wasn't for DS and school, I'd probably consider it, but I really am apprehensive about moving him away from the schools here to an area I know nothing about.

OP posts:
Reflux101 · 21/01/2023 19:50

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Like you said you made your feelings on moving clear from the beginning. And I’d feel the same about the school issue. I’m sorry to hear about your mum too, it’s a lot to go through.

I suppose though, that from your partners perspective, his commute is long and perhaps he’s finding it harder than he imagined he would? Could he WFH a couple of days a week? Or work 4 longer days to manage his hours in 4 working days rather than 5? You’ve probably both considered these options already though!

yousmellnice · 21/01/2023 19:53

Yeah sorry you made it clear from the start and your sons schooling has to be a priority to you over a person you've only lived with for a couple of years. He can always move out by himself and you can see if that works for you?

Zanatdy · 21/01/2023 19:56

No I wouldn’t move when I had a child in school. I think that he knew you were restricted where you could live whilst you’ve got a child in school so he needs to suck that up. Im tied to this area for 3 more years due to kids in school and my bf knows this and wouldn’t be expecting me to move anywhere to suit him.

olympicsrock · 21/01/2023 19:58

Do what is best for you and your son.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/01/2023 20:03

If the only issue is his commute why can’t he look for a job with a shorter commute? Surely that’s the best solution

ladymacbeth · 21/01/2023 20:20

Is he happy with your offer of moving 30mins away once DS is in school? Seems a good compromise to me

SoupAndSodaBread · 21/01/2023 20:22

Son's school place definitely takes priority over his commute. If he wants to move now, can he afford to rent for a bit near his work and then you can look for something together later? What's the big rush for you to all move?

TomatoSandwiches · 21/01/2023 20:29

How did he take your reasonable offer of a compromise?

Either way I wouldn't be moving if I didn't want to and certainly not until a secondary school place was secured.
If he is so adamant he can move out and closer to his job or find a new job closer to where you live now.

LlynTegid · 21/01/2023 20:38

Is it not a job where he could work from home for part of the week?

Whyisitsososohard · 21/01/2023 20:43

Rainbowqueeen · 21/01/2023 20:03

If the only issue is his commute why can’t he look for a job with a shorter commute? Surely that’s the best solution

This is my thinking too. Seems like the obvious answer.

Whyisitsososohard · 21/01/2023 20:43

Rainbowqueeen · 21/01/2023 20:03

If the only issue is his commute why can’t he look for a job with a shorter commute? Surely that’s the best solution

This is my thinking too. Seems like the obvious answer.

PinkPantherPaws · 21/01/2023 20:49

I wouldn't even move 30 minutes out.

So he gets a shorter commute - yay for him. But that's to the detriment of everyone else - you get a longer commute and your dc gets completed shafted as he'll now have to be travelling for an hour a day instead of going to the local school.

PacmanIsLost · 21/01/2023 20:55

Don’t move, do what works best for you and your son. He’ll soon be wanting to meet friends and have a social life which is so much nicer if he’s closer to his school.
Your dp knew what he was getting in to, you made that clear and it’s ok to say no. Your life is as important, don’t let him think otherwise.

Thepossibility · 21/01/2023 20:55

I wouldn't be moving at all.
DP is trying to move the goalposts to only suit himself.
Your DS won't have any local friends if he moves. It will be difficult for him to get to school if you are home sick for example.

CharlotteFlax · 21/01/2023 21:13

YANBU

You were clear from the outset

You've even suggested a compromise

Don't move if you don't want to (and I wouldn't want to in these circumstances. Fuck disrupting two of you to suit one of you!)

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