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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday presents

10 replies

Lemon221 · 21/01/2023 09:27

AIBU to expect my partner to choose me a birthday present without me being super specific in what I want? Genuinely interested in what others think as I’m not 100% sure either. Social media has probably clouded my judgement as it raises expectations and I’d like some real perspective…I guess I would feel like he had put more effort into finding something I’d like, rather than seeing it as something he has to do. The other side is if I’m super specific I will get exactly what I want. I’m not talking super expensive here either, we spend around the same on each other every Christmas and birthday.

OP posts:
PumpkinDart · 21/01/2023 09:32

My husband picks for me but he's a really good gift giver. If there's something I specifically want I'd usually just buy it myself.

Can you explain to him that you'd like a surprise, you don't have any preference this year so happy to go with what he thinks you'd like?

crosspusscrossstitcher · 21/01/2023 09:33

Depends.
I'm fussy (and then quite ungrateful), so the chances of DH buying me anything right is somewhere around 0%.
I'd much rather tell him precisely what I want (and then hope he doesn't go of-piste like my Mum used to). 🤦‍♀️

PeekAtYou · 21/01/2023 09:35

How will you deal with him getting it wrong? say you only wear silver jewellery and he buys a style that you'd wear but in gold? Would you be disappointed that he's never noticed that you only wear silver? Or would you be happy with the gift and ask to exchange for silver or give gold a try ?

Getting it right is a genuine pressure for some.

I am a single by parent with kids who are old enough to buy me gifts. I am hard to buy for because I don't really tell them what I want as I'm the parent but a token gift suffices because the acknowledgment that they remembered is what I'm after.

TakeABite · 21/01/2023 09:36

Have you shown disappointment in gifts he has bought in the past?
Maybe he doesn’t want to get it wrong, or maybe he’s just not very good at picking gifts -some people aren’t.
I happily send DH links to things I’d quite like, even though he has bought some good surprises in the past there have been far too many times where I’ve had to ask if he’s kept the receipt.
I wish more people would tell me specifically what they’d like tbh. I hate thinking that something I’ve spent my hard earned cash on will be sat unused or end up in a charity shop.

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2023 09:37

It’s not asking too much for your husband to have basic knowledge of things you like and buy a present accordingly

AnotherNameChangeYes · 21/01/2023 09:39

I would much rather tell DH what I’d like than him have to guess.

WandaWonder · 21/01/2023 09:40

We don't do main presents for each other we just buy what we want individually, we may get a small thing

But say I wanted a hand bag, he might get the colour and size right but probably wouldn't get the specified pockets I want, so I would rather have what I actuality want by buying it myself rather than a surprise him

NuffSaidSam · 21/01/2023 09:41

There's something really affirming about someone buying something you love without needing to be told. It shows they know you.

But I think it's a skill that most people don't have actually and it's really difficult to get that present right. I think it can cause more problems when you put faith in them 'knowing' you and it turns out they don't!

It depends how upset you'd be if he buys you something that's not right or really not right.

Sickofcoughing · 21/01/2023 09:42

This was an issue in the early days with my DP.

I wanted something thoughtful and gave something thoughtful. He had the approach of pick something and I'll pay for it.

I was hurt and thought he didn't care. He thought I was being a baby and looking for problems where there were none.

We both did the 5 languages of love quiz and it started to make sense. I highly recommend.

It began to make sense to me why his adult children would simply enquire what the budget was for their own gifts and send a link for what they wanted.

Now I send him a few options for ideas so I still get a surprise and he always puts some romantic small things in too that he's picked up. The last couple of years he has taken to including a love letter and that's my favourite of all.

Coffeellama · 21/01/2023 09:42

I guess I would feel like he had put more effort into finding something I’d like, rather than seeing it as something he has to do.

Its not unreasonable for him to not enjoy shopping, especially if you are hard to please. Honestly your OP makes you sound quite hard to please…

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