How to handle this situation?

[Whatwouldyoudo12]

Hi all, this might be a bit long but I really need help and honest opinions.

I have two beautiful children and co-parent with their dad amazingly. We really get along, have fun together, never argue. I'm just not in love with him to get back into a relationship with him. The reason we broke up is because I don't love him. He is such an amazing dad, a honest, hardworking man but he has stated he has no urge to get in another relationship so if he isn't with me, he will stay single or have a partner he doesn't live with. I've recently been offered a large sum of money from my mum to assist with buying a house but unfortunately, with my wages, I won't be able to borrow enough from the bank to match the properties. My ex has been saving for some years and has proposed that we buy a house together, the mortgage would be approved with joint earnings, we use his savings to renovate (extend into the loft) all live together but we can still live separate lives and he would have his own bedroom. We done this for a year when we split up and all was well but he was in the living room so he needed to move. I'd like more children one day which also makes things tricky because if I buy a house and live with him, regardless of my relationship outside of the house, I couldn't have more children unless I no longer lived in the house. At present, I'm confused at what my next steps are. To avoid drip feeding, I was raped when I was younger and I have 2 close friends who were sexually abused by their step dad / step brother which has further scared me into having another man in the house with my children trying to 'blend' the families or their home no longer feeling like theirs. These are the options I can see:

1. I buy the house with my ex. We live together but still have our own relationships outside of the home and continue as usual in the home. (He stays over frequently now and helps with the kids. He's over most days for dinner).

1. I continue saving on top of the money and buy with someone I meet a later date. This idea scares me because my children aren't his children.

1. I use the money for something else, keep things as they are with my ex. Have a relationship outside of the house but he doesn't move in.

This doesn't solve wanting to have more children unless I buy the house, have more kids with my ex and then form a relationship outside of the house. I just don't want to confuse my existing children and I'm on how I should proceed.

AIBU to think this is possible or is this stupid? What would you do in my situation? Would you move your partner into your home and if you have, how did it turn out?

I wouldn’t buy with an ex. What do you mean that the mortgage you can get can’t ‘match the properties’?

In your shoes I would look for a property in an area that you can afford to buy on your own.

There are so many potential pitfalls with buying with an ex.

• he could meet someone else and will want to sell the property so he can live with new partner
• you wouldn’t really feel free to form new relationships because the father of your children lives in the house
• you may not feel you can have friends or family round whenever you want
• you may beholden to him because he would be spending his own savings on renovating the house. Would you pay him half?

This sounds like a terrible idea. You'll never be able to move on from this set-up, I can't imagine a future partner would understand (and they'd never be able to stay over). Imo this is how to ruin a good co-parenting relationship. Go for option 3.

I mean this kindly but you need to go for the option that offers you independence from a man so as much as you want to own a home that means option 3.

I really wouldn't. I got on very well with my ex for a good 5 years after we split up, but as the children got older and my work/personal life changed, we realized that "growing apart" is something that continues to happen even after separating.
It's great that you get on with him now, but this is not futureproof.

Keep saving and buy by yourself.
Do NOT buy with ex
a) He could meet somebody and force you to sell.
b) You are tied to him
c) If things got uncomfortable you have to sell to get him out.

This is such a bad idea. What happens when either of you are dating? When you meet someone you really love and want to sell the house - make the other one homeless maybe because they can't afford to buy on their own?

If you are really keen to buy a house on your own now have you looked into shared ownership?
You say you're worried about introducing a new man into your home and to your children. If you meet a nice new man at some point don't introduce him to your children for a really long time, they don't need a relationship. Don't move anyone into your house is my personal advice, if at some time you find "the one" think carefully about marriage or partnership options. Protect your investment in your house. Buy somewhere together, don't move anyone in.

Yeah this all sounds like one giant mess!! You can’t seriously think you can buy a house with an ex, form a new living relationship where the new bloke would be involved in your kids lives, have more children, all while your ex is sat up in the attic?!? Wtf?! Lol!

you need to do this alone. Not with your ex and not sitting around waiting for a new bloke to help you financially!

Do not buy a house with your ex, and absolutely, definitely, DO NOT have more children with him! What are you thinking?!

Thanks all! I know you’re all right.

I do know that this probably isn’t the smartest option but what do I do about having more children? The thought of letting someone live in my house with my existing children really frightens me more so because I wouldn’t want my children to feel pushed out but I definitely want more children, I’d definitely like to fall in love properly and do it all properly because I don’t think I was ever in love with my ex. He’s like a best friend if that makes sense but I never felt like ‘wow this is my partner’. Has anyone been in this situation?

Omg that made me laugh. Yes when you put it like that I see that I am deluded.

Why are you so desperate for more children? Why don’t you concentrate on building a happy life with the ones you’ve got? Then if the right man comes along, more children can follow. How old are you?

No I don’t think buying with your ex is a good idea for all the many reasons people have already said.

Aside from that why would you assume any house would need renovations/loft conversion - you haven’t even looked at houses yet?

That in itself suggests he’s wanting to put a stamp on the house and claim some of it somehow, if he has savings etc why doesn’t he buy his own house? Why would he start paying for renovations on one you pay the deposit for?

It all sounds very messy - what would happen if either of you wanted to sell, how would you divide out what you paid in a deposit and he paid on renovations? (And again, why the assumption they would be needed?)

I think you shouldn’t put so much focus on having more children - you simply can’t plan for this, you’ve not met anyone yet, you may even struggle to conceive again, who knows what the future will bring.

#3 - save the money - and no more children

You need to let go of the having more children obsession, you aren’t even in a relationship it’s a pipe dream, nobody is guaranteed or entitled to (more) children. You are incredibly lucky to have a child already, enjoy that and build your life with her, because she’s almost getting pushed out by imaginary future children at this point nethermind a man. Save more and buy on your own, if in the future you find someone you want children with, deal with that when you come to it. Buying with the ex is a bad plan and having more kids with the ex is an awful awful plan!
Good luck with it all OP

Don’t do it! Buying with a friend is tricky, with an ex you have DC with would be crackers! Particularly when you know you want to meet someone else.

Buy somewhere cheaper. Save more. Try and figure a way to earn more. But don’t rely on your ex in this way, it’s not fair to anyone.

Sounds like your very much still with your ex and neither have moved on.
Most women are desperate for their own place after seperating, that's what keeps them going through the upheaval of it all, but you two sound like your both scared to cut ties. He sounds like a good man, what your looking for is very shallow compared to how you describe your relationship with your ex. Chemistry and passionate sex rarely lead to a solid long term relationship, more like a quick flash in the pan, then your back to square one again. Very few people in life really have your back, that's why so important you have your own.

The absolute only way I would consider this is to buy 2 houses next to each other. Anything else (and to be honest, even this) could be a complete disaster.

I’m absolutely conflicted on this one. I do agree it’s mad to buy with him if you don’t want to be with him.

But it also sounds like you haven’t moved on from him and neither has he you. Have you ever thought about trying to date again and see if the spark can come back. You describe this man as absolutely perfect but you just don’t love him. But I truly believe you can fall for him again if you were open to it.

Hope it all works out for you OP, he does sound amazing. Have a good think about what could happen in the future.

Option 4-save the money, save up, buy a house for you and your children on your own then decided who you want to let stay in it. Option 2 involves buying a house with someone who doesn't even exist yet...and may not ever exist

There couldn’t be a worse idea.

Don't do it.

Would you want to form a relationship with someone who still lived with an ex? And they bought the house after they broke up?

If you want a happy stable relationship with someone else in the future don't do this.

It also sounds like your ex is still in love with you.

I know one set of parents who still both own the family home post divorce, but they also each rent seperate 1 bedroom apartments. They stay in the house week on week off, DC live permanently in the family home.

I get the thing about wanting more DC, but if you'd be open to potentially going down the sperm donar route if necessary in the future you could take that off the table and concentrate on the housing issue. I would have never thought this even 2 years ago, but you may well reach a point where that's not the all important path anymore.

You need to prioritise the children you have, instead of fixating on your desire for more, hypothetical, children in the future. This set up would be very confusing for your existing DC and has disaster written all over it for the reasons pp have mentioned.