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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I handle this situation correct?

34 replies

hadntbeen · 20/01/2023 20:35

I'm a single mum to a nine year old girl. It's just me and her and the animals in the house, she's with me full time but goes to her dads every second weekend. We have a close relationship but I'd say the last year I've noticed her pull back from me a little, not as open for a kiss and cuddle, finds me embarrassing, would rather be with her friends etc.

Tonight we had arranged to get a take away and watch a film, I am up early for work tomorrow morning, then I will finish and take her to gymnastics in the afternoon, we are then going bowling at night just the two of us.

I spend as much time as possible with her but recently life has been really hectic, I'm in a placement as in the middle of completing a masters in social work so in placement Monday to Friday 9-5, then work as a youth worker 5.45 - 8.30 three of those nights and then do delivering on a Saturday morning. I'm really knackered recently.

Anyway daughter is used to me being her 'playmate' when she's not with her friends. She's not very content or good entertaining herself and since she's an only I've always felt guilty so always played with her.

Tonight we were watching a film, she got to choose the takeaway because how well she done learning her burns poem and auditioning to do it in front of the whole school even though she was really nervous. Ate our food, like a quarter through the film she gets bored, asks if she can look at something on my phone.

She then shows me on my phone that she wants a certain hoody that costs £25. I said well you can save up your pocket money, it will take you 5 weeks. She has an almighty tantrum, screaming at me, asking me why why why? I send her to her room to calm down where she screams, 'I hate my life, I wish I was never born, I hate my family, I hate everyone'. She calms down, I tell her to come down, we talk about it and she is calm but very emotional, continues to sob.

She then asks if we can play a board game. I am so fed up of our board games, we need some new ones and tonight I really just could not be bothered. So I said, I'm really tired I don't really want to play a board game tonight. She moaned she was bored, there's nothing to do here. I gave her multiple options of things to do on her own and reminded her we are going bowling tomorrow. She just looked all sad.

She then went upstairs and ran herself a bath and is now chilling in that. I felt so guilty I then shouted up that we can play a game of uno once she is out.

I feel like an awful mum tonight and think should I just have bought her the hoody? She has savings but she spends her money Willy Billy and really appreciates things very little. Also the savings are more for when she gets older towards a first car, or house deposit.

AIBU to think I handled this situation badly? I should have agreed to play a game I just feel awful tonight but am so knackered too.

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 20/01/2023 20:42

She’s a pre-teen, be careful giving her everything she demands, the teen years are going to be very difficult if you can’t say no.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 20/01/2023 20:43

You handled that just fine. It's OK for her to know that you're tired and don't always feel up to what she wants to do.

And the £25 could go on a new game, not the hoodie 😁

Cheesetoastiesz · 20/01/2023 20:44

YABU, I have a feeling you’ve been doing your DD no favours for indulging her over the last 9 years.

For you to feel guilt for not giving in like this shows a pattern

BumpySkull · 20/01/2023 20:46

You did well. Hold strong on not buying her everything she wants. If you buy her the hoody then she’ll learn that tantrumming gets her what she wants. You were right to stick to your guns and it sounds like you did brilliantly.

Original poster
hadntbeen · 20/01/2023 20:47

She just came down and gave me a cuddle and said she was sorry and that she should have listened to me the first time I said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
hadntbeen · 20/01/2023 20:48

Thank you! It's so hard, I wish there was a handbook. And yes, I admit I have been guilty of spoiling her and have had a hard time saying no due to my own guilt. Which is why I'm trying to be firmer recently.

OP posts:
Lenald · 20/01/2023 20:49

Who has your daughter when you’re working all those hours?

Bookworm333 · 20/01/2023 20:50

Sounds very like my DD to be honest and I think you handled it fine. We aren't there to entertain them every second of the day and in fact doing this sets them up to fail as they then won't have the resilience to keep themselves busy, cope with boredom etc. However flipside is it's lovely to do activities together and have a closeness so I don't see anything wrong with that either. It's just getting a balance between the 2. Your schedule sounds intense and I think you are doing a great job - hang in there!

Original poster
hadntbeen · 20/01/2023 20:51

Lenald · 20/01/2023 20:49

Who has your daughter when you’re working all those hours?

She's at school, my parents (retired) have her a Monday Wednesday and every second Friday. Her dad has her a Tuesday and Thursday and every second Friday

OP posts:
Lenald · 20/01/2023 20:54

hadntbeen · 20/01/2023 20:51

She's at school, my parents (retired) have her a Monday Wednesday and every second Friday. Her dad has her a Tuesday and Thursday and every second Friday

Show quote history

You do spend a lot of time away from her - I know it’s for very good reason & you are investing in both of your futures which is amazing, but maybe she’s reacting to that?

Sagcbots · 20/01/2023 20:54

You’re doing an amazing job with her. You sound run off your feet. Being a single mum is HARD. I don’t think you’re overindulging her - she came down and said sorry for her behaviour and I think that speaks volumes about how you’ve raised her. Have a cuddle with her and be a bit kinder to yourself.

Motelschmotel · 20/01/2023 20:58

Bloody hell. From what you’ve written I’m properly admiring you! You clearly have a lot of patience, energy and empathy. I’d say she’s lucky to have you.

Holly60 · 20/01/2023 21:02

I think the only thing I might have done differently is played the board game. She was trying to reconnect with you and it would have been a nice way to do it.

However it sounds like she is fine and you are doing a grand job

MrMerlot · 20/01/2023 21:22

You are not being unreasonable at all.

She needs to learn how to behave, that she cant always get her own way and the value of money. Don't be guilt tripped, it's better in the long run.

Zizz · 21/01/2023 21:25

You did just fine. If you're bored with the games you have, you could try Googling some new games to play with an ordinary pack of cards - there are lots of good ones. Or do an online quiz together.

Lialou · 21/01/2023 21:33

In your update you've mentioned she's not with you Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday morning. She's craving your attention because she barely sees you. I'd dig a bit deeper and find out what's behind the comments about hating her life.....I would have hated my life as a child if I only seen my mum for 1.5 days a week. Sorry OP.

FarFromObvious · 21/01/2023 21:35

You handled it fine. Relax and enjoy your evening.

The only thing I didn’t quite understand was whether she is expected to save up for her first car and house deposit; not sure many nine year olds would really be able to visualise and understand that properly!

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/01/2023 21:37

hadntbeen · 20/01/2023 20:51

She's at school, my parents (retired) have her a Monday Wednesday and every second Friday. Her dad has her a Tuesday and Thursday and every second Friday

Show quote history

And Saturdat morning she is on her own?

CrapBucket · 21/01/2023 21:39

I think you are doing brilliantly- all kids have their moments and occasionally being told 'no' is fine. Keep going strong OP, you are raising a great kid and building a great career. When she isn't with you, she is with her dad or her grandparents, ie people who also love her, which is perfectly fine!!

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/01/2023 21:43

It sounds like you only actually see her every second saturday and sunday, and you work the Saturday morning.
And maybe you see her from 8.30pm onwards on some weeknights? Which is basically just doing bedtime.

She sees her and 2 full weeknights each week, plus Friday and the full weekend every second week.

It sounds like she spends more time with her dad. Maybe speak to him to see how her behaviour is at his house.

Boringcookingquestion · 21/01/2023 21:45

You handled it fine! Giving her everything she wants all the time isn’t good for her in the long run. Emotional outbursts aren’t out of the ordinary at her age either, the start of puberty and hormones can play havoc and she’s still too young to respond reasonably all the time.

Eyeofthestorm7 · 21/01/2023 21:51

Learning to save and appreciate things is a really important lesson somyou are doing a great job! DH and I both learnt so much from our parents doing that with us so ditch the guilt and believe in your parenting skills a little more, you have a lot of demands and sound brilliant.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/01/2023 21:54

I also wonder whether you are accidentally treating her older than she is. It's rather odd behaviour for a nine year old to research clothing online.

She should be having a regular, consistent bedtime.

Again, running herself a bath and then coming down rather than you supervising the bedtime process just sounds like a slightly older child.

Remember you are the parent and the best thing you can do is set clear, firm boundaries.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/01/2023 21:55

And actually £5 a week pocket money is more than many, most children that age.

Ponoka7 · 21/01/2023 21:58

It could be hormones. However I agree that she doesn't see much of you. I think that you've over stretched yourself.