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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel it's pointless to stay friends?

25 replies

PinkRiceKrispies · 20/01/2023 18:15

Colleague and I have become close over the months. She is leaving soon and I have always stayed loyal and never backstabbed her. Yet everytime I say that (because other colleagues have spoken about her), she just does a single nod or doesn't really answer. This leads me to believe she doesn't trust me and therefore, what's the point in staying in touch? Aibu?

OP posts:
AnuSTart · 20/01/2023 18:21

It sounds more like she's guilty of speaking badly of you and is feeling the pressure.

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 20/01/2023 18:21

Why would you say that to her? Should she be grateful? It should be a given that you don’t do that to her.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

NoInvitesEver · 20/01/2023 18:23

I'm not sure what else she could say. It's exactly how you should be but not with the expectation of effusive thanks.
Is it you who tells her about the others bad-mouthing her?

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 18:25

So you are telling her other colleagues are bitching about her and you expect her to be grateful for this… why?

YoBeaches · 20/01/2023 18:28

If you told me that, I wouldn't trust you either. It's a very strange thing to tell someone and expect some sort of gratitude.

You're not friends. You're colleagues.

AnyMucca · 20/01/2023 18:29

It sounds like you're fishing for her to ask what they say about her. She's showing dignity in not responding.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 20/01/2023 18:30

You sound really intense OP.

Jengnr · 20/01/2023 18:30

Why would you repeatedly tell someone you haven’t backstabbed them?? That’s a given, surely?

Roundabout78 · 20/01/2023 18:32

YABU. This is a really weird thing to say to someone. I have never felt the need to tell any of my mates that I’m so loyal I’ve never backstabbed them 😂

GretaGip · 20/01/2023 18:32

Is there more to this?

I can't imagine any scenario where I would say the words "I have always stayed loyal and never backstabbed (you)".

Original poster
PinkRiceKrispies · 20/01/2023 18:32

Where did I say I repeatedly told her?
She knows they bitch about her and told me this. I reassured her that I never have and she just doesn't seem to believe or really trust that.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 20/01/2023 18:32

Why would you be saying that to her? That’s not a normal thing to say surely?

Cnidarian · 20/01/2023 18:44

Sounds like she's well shot of the whole toxic mess.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 20/01/2023 18:56

PinkRiceKrispies · 20/01/2023 18:32

Where did I say I repeatedly told her?
She knows they bitch about her and told me this. I reassured her that I never have and she just doesn't seem to believe or really trust that.

You said in your OP that “every time you tell her”
Meaning you’ve said it more than once….repeatedly.

itswednesdayy · 20/01/2023 18:59

This sounds like a lot of hard work. Personally if I was at a workplace where people were “backstabbing” me and gossiping, I’d cease contact with everyone there as soon as I leave. It’s obviously a negative experience for her.

VimFuego101 · 20/01/2023 19:01

Roundabout78 · 20/01/2023 18:32

YABU. This is a really weird thing to say to someone. I have never felt the need to tell any of my mates that I’m so loyal I’ve never backstabbed them 😂

This.... what a weird thing to say to someone. The very fact you're talking about it would make me distrust you and I'd suspect you were trying to stir the pot and gossip.

Cornettoninja · 20/01/2023 19:01

I have always stayed loyal and never backstabbed her. Yet everytime I say that

how often do you find you have to say that? Hmm

That would make me uncomfortable and back off from you. It sounds a bit groomy.

YoBeaches · 20/01/2023 23:30

PinkRiceKrispies · 20/01/2023 18:32

Where did I say I repeatedly told her?
She knows they bitch about her and told me this. I reassured her that I never have and she just doesn't seem to believe or really trust that.

She doesn't have to. You're about to become ex colleagues.

Doesn't sound like she's had a very nice experience where you work and when she confided you made it about you.

UsingChangeofName · 20/01/2023 23:48

Roundabout78 · 20/01/2023 18:32

YABU. This is a really weird thing to say to someone. I have never felt the need to tell any of my mates that I’m so loyal I’ve never backstabbed them 😂

This.

It all sounds very weird to me. Sounds like the colleague agrees that it is a very odd workplace and is looking forward to going somewhere more normal.

Glorianna · 21/01/2023 00:13

Are you the same OP who went to lunch and your colleague/friend had to stay late cover for you because of ratios?

2023WeAllNeedToTalk · 21/01/2023 00:29

There is such thing as over-protesting something. The person who feels the need to tell you they are kind usually are not, the person who tells you they hate lying usually lie, the people who say that you can trust them are usually the gossips. The people who say they don’t backstab usually do.
Actions speak louder than words.

ComfortablyDazed · 21/01/2023 00:38

Sorry OP - you’re being really weird.

I’ve never told anyone I haven’t back-stabbed them - as pp have said, it’s an absolute given.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/01/2023 01:01

I think that's a very strange thing to say and I'm not surprised she didn't take it brilliantly. I imagine it hurt her feelings that you brought up others slagging her off, and tbh I imagine she assumed you were joining in.

Judgyjudgy · 21/01/2023 01:16

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 20/01/2023 18:21

Why would you say that to her? Should she be grateful? It should be a given that you don’t do that to her.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

This. Why would you say that? That's a really weird thing to say. That's what being a friend is, isn't it??

Imtryingnottobother · 21/01/2023 01:29

How does she know other colleagues have back stabbed her, did you tell her. If you did that’s shit stirring.
Like someone has already said up thread, someone telling me how kind, thoughtful etc… they are is often in direct opposition to the truth, bit like a dodgy car salesmen telling me how honest he is.
The relationship and your workplace sounds quite toxic and I bet she can’t wait to escape it.

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