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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how to navigate this …

26 replies

Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 15:28

Hi so We have my beautiful step son living with us and he is most welcome, after a lengthy custody battle he has supervised access with his mum ( supposed to be 3 visits and one over night a month ) however this very rarely goes to plan. The supervised visits are with other family members present. DP and ex are no contact. I have contact with her and often FaceTime / phone call with SS. Now my issue is I find it hard to navigate my responsibility of SS. I see a lot in the past of his not yours it’s not your business etc he is now getting older ( under 5 ) but getting ready to start school next year, which will be me doing the majority. The other children are my kids and he is treated no differently in terms of attention / money / treats etc but what about discipline, parents evenings now that he is getting older ? At most he probably ends up seeing mum twice a month. We are supposed to do alternative Xmas and New Years but she has not had him in 2 years for either. I adore him but I struggle with being assertive and butting in to things that might not be my business. For example he has some difficulties and therapies for speech at nursery. I tend to be the adult around him the most so when a meeting was called I attended so I could understand the recourses and activities they would want to do at home. This caused a lot of issues and arguments over my responsibility of him. i don’t know how to step back though, he spends 24 hours a day in my care, I feed him / put him to bed / take him to nursery, love him to pieces and want to help him. Am I in the wrong here ? I mean I am happy to be told that I am but I just couldn’t imagine not treating him like my own who also live with me.
thank you

OP posts:
morekidsthanhands · 20/01/2023 15:39

I assume the problem is that you don't have parental responsibility for your stepson and usually appointments have to be attended by someone with legal responsibility. Might be worth seeing of you and your partner can attend together so that all angles are covered.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 20/01/2023 15:41

Who is it causing problems with? You sound amazing and exactly what he needs.

Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 15:42

Oh sorry he did attend also, as he does with any appointment / hospital appointments :)

OP posts:
RunnerBum · 20/01/2023 15:44

Is the conflict and arguing between you and DH or you and the ex? That's a very important point here.

Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 15:44

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep His mum and grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 15:45

In our actual household everything runs very smoothly. The kids get along, we just run the house as normal.

OP posts:
RunnerBum · 20/01/2023 15:46

Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 15:44

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep His mum and grandparents.

They can get to fuck then, quite frankly. How your DH manages his childcare whilst SS is with him is none of their business.

Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 15:48

I think I find it difficult, I am very much usually the peace maker. I know he is not my son and he does not call me mum. I just don’t see me eve been able to not treat him like I am his mum when he lives me 99.9 percent of time. However I am a mum and I know how difficult it must be for her 😩

OP posts:
morekidsthanhands · 20/01/2023 16:37

Ahhh sorry I thought your issue was with professionals not with family!
Your reasons for needing to be at these meetings are valid as you are providing the practical input.
It must be very difficult for mum but there are reasons contact is the way it is at the moment.
With parenting and your role I think that's something that you and your partner will have to make an agreement on. It's a super fine line trying to stay within boundaries but also not treating them differently from your other children.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2023 16:46

I wouldn't give a shit what his mum thinks. If she's so concerned about him she can start being a functioning parent to her own child.

KateBalesCardi · 20/01/2023 17:14

What do his mum and grandparents actually want to happen in circumstances like the meeting OP? Do they want to attend, alongside your DH? Or are they just complaining that 'it's not your place'?

Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:25

@KateBalesCardi that it’s not my place.
she feels like I’m becoming his “ mum “ and it is not the fair.
but I can’t ignore him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:28

Back story - we were together prior to him moving in with us, he was 18 months old when social services informed dad there was safe guarding issues and he had a choice to either take him that day or he would be placed in temp foster care.
this was 2,5 years ago now and has lived with us the last 2 years.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 20/01/2023 17:29

*@KateBalesCardi that it’s not my place.

she feels like I’m becoming his “ mum “ and it is not the fair.*

Its not fair that she doesn’t appear for the limited contact she should have with her child. She needs to sort her own house out before worrying about yours.

Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:32

@Jellycatspyjamas yes contact is something that I do struggle not to get mad about. When she talks about him it comes across as he adores him. I do struggle with the cancel contacts as I just don’t see why they are not being kept.

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 20/01/2023 17:32

Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:25

@KateBalesCardi that it’s not my place.
she feels like I’m becoming his “ mum “ and it is not the fair.
but I can’t ignore him.

So what are the mum and grandmother actually doing about it? Are they attending these things which they don't think you should be attending? If they aren't then I can't see the issue. So done needs to attend.

KateBalesCardi · 20/01/2023 17:33

I think you just have to keep quietly doing what you're doing then, someone has to and his mum clearly isn't up to the job. You certainly have nothing to feel bad about, you're clearly prioritising SS and doing your best to provide what he needs and tbh his mum should be bloody grateful you are.

ShakespearesBlister · 20/01/2023 17:35

Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:32

@Jellycatspyjamas yes contact is something that I do struggle not to get mad about. When she talks about him it comes across as he adores him. I do struggle with the cancel contacts as I just don’t see why they are not being kept.

Surely if she's not keeping her arrangements that needs to be fed back to the court? She sounds a bit inept to be honest and if she isn't actually taking an active interest and cancels on a whim then I probably wouldn't be taking her tantrums too seriously.

YoComoManzanas · 20/01/2023 17:37

It's a sensitive situation and I think you are doing the best you can. At the forefront of your mind should be "what is best for SSon". So of course he needs therapy and for you and his dad to help with that day-to-day. Unfortunately mum can't do that, so as long as you have Dad/dh support just ignore her.
I would avoid getting into a confrontation with her. Mum needs to work on her own situation.

Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:37

He does ( I hope ) have a very stable life here , taking them out of the equation we don’t have any day to day issues regarding the set up. The kids all get along and tbh don’t see him any differently just usual siblings.
Its just this constant background noise from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:39

@ShakespearesBlister Incompletely agree , she has said she is going back to court for unsupervised contact so I am sure it will be raised then. I’m not convinced she will though or if it’s a threat.

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Waterfallgirl · 20/01/2023 17:42

It’s refreshing OP to read a post where you are so happily parenting and supporting DSS.
There alot if people in here who say you ‘shouldn’t do any care for step children’ and must then treat all DC under one roof somehow differently - but at the end of the day they are DC who need love and support from adults around them . So many dc must feel they don’t get this when the adults cannot be adults.
Providing your DH is parenting well - and not leaving it all to you ? - then keep doing what you are doing.
So the fact that his mum isn’t stepping up isn’t your issue, that’s hers ( and to an extent your DH’s and the arrangements in place.)

Original poster
Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 17:50

@Waterfallgirl thank you, yes he does pull his weight and is great with the kids in general. I work night shifts and he works day shifts, so it’s me who tends to do the school runs / tea time etc apart from weekends.

OP posts:
CallTheMobWife · 20/01/2023 17:51

Blendedperfectly · 20/01/2023 15:44

@onlyoneoftheregimentinstep His mum and grandparents.

Ignore them. Youre a full time mother, which means on a day to day level you are his mother.
He is your responsibility and you need to treat him to all intents and purposes as your child.

Of course his mother feels its unfair that you are in her role, but who's fault is that? It's hers, and its her problem to deal with.

CallTheMobWife · 20/01/2023 17:52

Full time step mother, that was supposed to say