How not to be too restrictive

[ADL3005685]

Not really an AIBU as I know I am but.,..

I have to admit that I find it a little bit stressful collecting the kids, fighting my way through traffic, cleaning out lunch boxes, scrambling to make dinner as quickly as possible whilst the kids are sometimes arguing/crying with tiredness and/or hunger after a long day. And I’m already exhausted after being at work all day. I get through it during the week but when it gets to Friday, I’m done! So when I come home on Friday and get a message from DH that he’s gone to the pub for “a beer”, I have to admit I see red. He isn’t back late but if he gets back after 6:30 then I’ve done the majority of the grunt work so he might as well be back at 11pm. I really have no problem with him going out (I go out too!) BUT I just want a heads up. I just want to know during the day on Friday (ideally in the morning) that he is leaving work early to go to the pub and will be home slightly later. I want to emotionally prepare myself (but not every single Friday). I know this sounds over the top. I wouldn’t mind, if say 50% of Fridays he went out until really late, as long as I knew in advance.

DH is not happy about this and says it is too restrictive. Can you help us reach a compromise? I guess I need to do some stress relieving exercises?

Are you allowed/is it feasible for you to text him on a Friday to say you are going to the pub on a whim? If so, do this. But I would guess it's not feasible. That's the bit he's not fully understanding IMO.

It depends a lot on how much support you feel you are getting with all this. If you're doing it all on your own without any help then it's likely to feel more like a slap in the face if you are looking forward to some relief and it isn't forthcoming.

Does he generally pull his weight?

As a PP said, the key thing he's not getting is that you can't just drop everything at the end of Friday and say you're going down the pub.

And BTW I don't think you need stress relieving exercises. That implies that the problem is with you. It sounds like its more with him.

I would hold off bed time until DH gets home, and then announce that you're off to the pub for a swift half with the girls.

But longer term, you need to come to some arrangement where you share the after school pick ups. If DH is, say, a teacher who works miles away, then this could be difficult for him to finish early, but most office jobs allow for flexible working these days, informally or formally, for men and women, so he could arrange to finish early on some days.

Either that, or you're out all day Saturday or Sunday and he's on childcare duty while you have some time to yourself.

Are there actually plans in advance though? How often does he do this?

Friday work drinks are usually just arranged on a Friday afternoon. If it’s always dumping bedtime on you then it’s unreasonable but last minute drinks every so often if you’re going to be home anyway, if he would give you the same isn’t unreasonable.

It would be annoying if my partner told me I had to make plans by Friday morning, that would just mean I couldn’t actually go for the drinks.

@Notjusta It is not feasible.

@Thepeopleversuswork As a PP said, the key thing he's not getting is that you can't just drop everything at the end of Friday and say you're going down the pub.
Yes he has no ability to emphasise whatsoever.

@Swiftswatch Sometimes it is the situation you describe I guess when a colleague might say in the afternoon, want to grab a quick beer? So I understand your point, He would just be missing out every time. I should speak to him and check the situation. For context, it isn't every so often though, sometimes it is every Friday for months.

The reason I am speaking up now is because my parents were here for a few weeks (we only see them a couple of times a year) and my parents picked up the kids on Friday for us and me and DH went out for a few drinks after work. It was great, although I wouldn't want to do this every week. Now he will just carry on doing this and I'll miss out/be on my own.

He goes out on other occasions as well, the Friday after work drinks aren't his only opportunity to socialise at all.

@KnickerlessParsons I don't actually mind bedtime, it is the lead up to it. And yes I guess some of it is jealousy, that I don't have that freedom.

We have talked about him sharing the pick ups and drop offs but he finishes work after me due to a large workload so it would mean the kids getting home even later. Other than Friday when he can miraculously finish work early.

I’d be splitting the Friday pick ups then - he’s not seeing that you can’t just decide to go for a drink after work which is overly restrictive for you. If you each do alternate Fridays he’ll get the message.

@Jellycatspyjamas I am going to suggest this thanks. I think it sounds fair. If he has emergency drinks that he can't miss then at least I'd have some advance warning as he'd have to message me to ask me to pick the kids up.

We have talked about him sharing the pick ups and drop offs but he finishes work after me due to a large workload so it would mean the kids getting home even later. Other than Friday when he can miraculously finish work early.

That's a rubbish excuse. Can't you have "a large work load". I get fed up when men's jobs are prioritised over women's.
Why can't he request flexible working? "A large work load" is not an excuse, from him, nor from his employer.