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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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I can't stop crying

41 replies

solownowheretogo · 20/01/2023 09:07

I am sorry for posting here but I have no RL support. I am really, really low. I can't see a way out. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel I have no purpose to My life anymore I've failed at everything. I'm a rubbish mum. I don't know what to do. Please can someone talk to me .

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 20/01/2023 10:29

I would urge you to talk to your GP. It's normal to have ups and downs in life, but what you're describing - please know that it doesn't have to be this way and help is available

Sleep deprivation is really, really hard. I don't know if you can afford a night nanny, but a friend of mine had one for a bit and it really helped her. She still woke up when the babies woke, but turned over and went back to sleep, knowing that someone else was dealing with it

Mugcake · 20/01/2023 10:48

I suffered from awful PND and PNA and honestly taking sertraline was such a game changer. I initially felt a bit weird about medication but it helped so much. I've also found a few groups designed to support mums who feel like you do, your GP/health visitor may be able to sign post you.
I found it useful to go to things like baby sensory where someone else was leading the group and it felt less "pressure"
I know this can all feel like too much when your very low, samaritans do a text service if a call feels too overwhelming.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I promise it will get better even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

solownowheretogo · 20/01/2023 12:14

Has anyone ever felt like it would be genuinely better if they were no longer here? I can't shake that thought.

OP posts:
Redbushteaforme · 20/01/2023 13:00

Please make an appointment to see your GP. You are not failing. You are a very tired mum who is having to cope on your own. I've been there with a husband who worked abroad for months on end and two small children, and I know how relentless and tiring it is. You are a good mum though or you wouldn't be worrying about being a bad mum (if you see what I mean). Your children love and need you now and in the future; please don't think otherwise. You need and deserve some help urgently for your low mood, and also you also need and deserve some practical help with the house and children if at all possible.

Make that phone call to the GP and see it as the start of things starting to get better.

Things WILL get better.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

Mirroredlove · 20/01/2023 13:03

Definitely talk to the gp and get some antidepressants, they don’t take the pain or sadness away but they somehow focus you to see a way out.

I think with the kids and partner away a lot this is just one of your shit/hard stages of life, it won’t always be like this.

Can you pay for a childminder/nanny/nursery?

Ellx · 20/01/2023 13:07

solownowheretogo · 20/01/2023 12:14

Has anyone ever felt like it would be genuinely better if they were no longer here? I can't shake that thought.

Hi OP,
I felt like this before Xmas. I was very low and was constantly thinking about wanting to end it all. The only thing that stopped me was my little boy. i felt like a failure at everything and just didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel.
I forced myself to go to the doctors and have been on my meds for nearly two months now and I can honestly say I am so glad I am still here. Things are hard but this won’t last forever. The fact you are even doubting yourself as a mum shows me you’re a great one!
treat this as any other illness, if you had a broken arm you would go and get it seen too, you re poorly not a failure.
my inbox is always open if you would like to PM me- I get it. But I promise you will feel better and those little people love and need you.
sending lots of love xx

Emmamoo89 · 20/01/2023 13:17

Call your GP for help. Sending love x

solownowheretogo · 20/01/2023 14:10

I have tried antidepressants before and they made me sick (physically) and I had a really upset stomach. I gave up on them.

I have cleaned my house and feel slightly brighter. I forced myself to look at a photo of my beautiful DC and reminded myself that they need me. My eldest is at school and my youngest is in nursery today. I might go for a little walk before I collect them.

Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. Your messages have seen me through a really truly awful day.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 20/01/2023 14:24

It might be worth speaking to your GP again. There are loads of different anti-depressants so it’s a bit of trial and error as to what work, citalopram made me really nauseous but sertraline was fine - others find the opposite is true.

If you don’t want to take medication you could go back to counselling/therapy. Some folk find CBT helpful (and there are exercises/worksheets you can download which are sometimes helpful) some find a more relational therapy more helpful. It’s often not a “one and done” thing with therapy and different types can help at different times.

When I felt like you do just now someone suggested I go in and look at my kids while they’re sleeping. Not only do you see how small and vulnerable they are, but you also get reminded of how wonderful they are (in peace, when there are no demands being made on you). It might also be worth thinking about a gratitude journal - not because it’s a wonderful magic wand, but it orientates you to looking for the good, so you notice more of the positive things around you.

You also sound exhausted - with good reason. Is there any way to relieve some of the burden on you. Maybe some childcare, or coffee with a friend who might help corral the kids for a while. Make things as easy as possible for yourself, which may mean lowering your standards a bit (even if you think they’re already low, if you’re not coping they’re too high). I had an “everyone fed, nobody dead” mantra for a while. The house looked chaotic but everyone was fed and clothed, everything else could wait until I had some help.

Its a horrible time, please don’t beat yourself up, you’re not failing you’re trying your best.

BigMandysBookClub · 20/01/2023 14:25

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it is natural to feel overwhelmed, but you sound like you need to speak to a GP as you don't have to suffer like this.

Is this feeling cyclical? I found I really hit rock bottom near my period and then felt better for a couple of weeks.

Please don't punish yourself for feeling low, it sounds like you are exhausted and punishing yourself for feeling down and comparing yourself with others will not help. You are coping with a lot on little sleep and you should be feeling proud of that!

We all snap at our kids. My mum did a lot with me as she was overworked and exhausted too and I still love her!

Have you spoken to your husband about this? It doesn't sound like he is aware?

SlashBeef · 20/01/2023 14:39

solownowheretogo · 20/01/2023 12:14

Has anyone ever felt like it would be genuinely better if they were no longer here? I can't shake that thought.

Yes. Trigger warning - suicide

I felt this way a while ago. I spent days and days in tears. That kind of upset that physically hurts you and you feel like you can't continue. I took too many sleeping tablets and put myself to bed. I hoped and fully expected not to wake up but I did. I felt very unwell but I did wake up.

I told my husband what I'd done and saw the crisis team pretty much immediately.

I wrote down how I was feeling at the time. Just a big A4 page of how desperately sad I felt and then I put it away. I got it back out recently and I don't recognise the person that wrote it.

I just want to encourage you to seek some support. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You're not a bad person or bad mother. You are worthy and deserving of happiness and how you feel now isn't permanent. I'm so grateful that I woke up. X

Rafferty10 · 20/01/2023 15:01

Hi op, as you earn well could you consider getting a night nanny and sleep training, it would make a world of difference to how you feel to get a good nights sleep.

brap · 20/01/2023 15:13

solownowheretogo · 20/01/2023 12:14

Has anyone ever felt like it would be genuinely better if they were no longer here? I can't shake that thought.

Yes. The only reason I'm here is for my kids. I know that no matter how bad I am, just being here is better for them than the eternal sense of abandonment and lifetime of issues I would leave them with if I went. No matter how much time I spend thinking about ending it all (and it's a LOT of time), I can't do that to them. Someone once told me suicide doesn't end the pain, it just transfers it. The thought of transferring this pain I feel to my kids is what keeps me here.

Things that have alleviated things a little for me though are:

Therapy. Without my psychologist I wouldn't be here.
Medication. Doesn't stop everything but helps a bit.
Exercise. I can't be in the house for too long or I go too into myself and start spiralling. I have to get out and walk, run or cycle every day. This has been a huge way of coping for me.

BertaHoon · 20/01/2023 15:25

Ohhhh @solownowheretogo let me give you a cuddle. I'm nearly 50 so that's allowed now!

First things first - can you pick up the phone to the GP? I know these days that it's a massive step just getting past the receptionist. Do you know what? I've been on antidepressants for over 20 years, and if you say the words depression, toddlers then they will see you asap.

Secondly can you get there? If not explain and say you need a telephone conversation.
Let it all out darling.

Thirdly take all the care being offered. I was usually my own enemy in this situation.

You are fantastic! Look at what you've achieved in life! Hormones and babies really do fuck our heads up - excuse my French!

If you want to PM to help you make that first call to GP then please do so. If not just call and break down to the receptionist, let it all out, believe me - they're not all bad. Mostly women who've been there. Don't mask though - oh I feel fine but... Get it out there.

You will feel better. I promise you.

BertaHoon · 20/01/2023 15:27

solownowheretogo · 20/01/2023 12:14

Has anyone ever felt like it would be genuinely better if they were no longer here? I can't shake that thought.

Many a time over the last 47 years.

You are not alone. Know that. ❤️

Poppyblush · 21/01/2023 12:35

Small steps, small goals. Please see a gp

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