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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want a surprise party

19 replies

Hpop · 20/01/2023 05:50

I found on OH phone that I'm having a surprise party. It's a special year, the sentiment is sweet. However, I am an introvert, I don't like being centre of attention. I teach adults and perform in my spare time so this could be easily missed. We are financially tight as we have took out a loan for the first time, which I don't regret if there's no other big spending. I also really want my house painted which my husband says he will do however I know I'd probably have to pay for someone to do this. So I see this as a waste of money and I'd honestly rather privately catch up with friends and get my house done. Am I being ungrateful as I have other priorities and wouldn't want it? I also have never had a party so I am open to considering I may actually really enjoy having one. AIBU?

OP posts:

Norma27 · 20/01/2023 05:55

I am so lucky that my husband knows I would hate a surprise party, and I know he would too. I sound like you I think. I will talk to anyone etc but hate to be the centre of attention. Partly why i had a tiny wedding too. Can you maybe drop hints about someone told you about a surprise party they went to and how you wound hate that to happen to you?
hope you have a lovely birthday

MinnieMountain · 20/01/2023 05:59

I’d hate it too.

Can you start a conversation about what you really would like and really wouldn’t like to do for your birthday?

Hillrunning · 20/01/2023 06:14

Just talk to your partner. You know it is happening now so it isn't a surprise anymore. Also, can't you paint your own house?

Needmorelego · 20/01/2023 06:23

Tell him.
Tell him clearly you have found out and don't want this. Tell him if it happens you will walk away from the party and refuse to stay.
I never understand advice about giving 'hints' - just be honest and clear.

Aprilx · 20/01/2023 06:23

I wouldn’t like a surprise party either, if I discovered DH had organised one, I would simply tell him that I have found out and don’t want it.

Can you not do the house painting? Or do it together?

Original poster

Hpop · 20/01/2023 06:30

I still have a few weeks so I suppose I could approach him. I just don't know if I'm being terribly ungrateful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hpop · 20/01/2023 06:31

I paint rubbish and slow, he's trained in plastering although he doesn't anymore he still does it well. So it's always best for him or a professional to get the right finish, however this means waiting.

OP posts:

euff · 20/01/2023 06:36

I hate surprises of any sort. Poor DH tried to do one for my birthday before we were married, not a party but a surprise present and I hated being taken somewhere when I didn't know where we were going or what we were going to do. So many rubbish DH's on here who don't make an effort and then our poor DH's who try but get it wrong.

Do you think it came from him entirely or someone coaxed him into it? Have you seen how much has been organised? If he's started doing stuff he's probably going to be a bit hurt or disappointed anyway I don't think you can avoid that.

If you can't be upfront and say you know about it and don't want it then tell him what you would want for your birthday. 'I've been thinking about my birthday and you know I don't like a fuss or attention but I would like a nice meal' etc.

For me walking in and finding those jobs you want doing done and a lovely meal cooked by DH is my kind of thing but not for other's! I wouldn't leave it and let him get further along though. Is there someone else you can ask about it who would be discreet and tell you the plan and where he is with it, someone from your family maybe?

SchoolTripDrama · 20/01/2023 08:13

Why were you going through his phone? I'm sure you're very glad you did right now but you still invaded his privacy.

Re: the party, just try discussing some suggestions for your birthday and when he inevitably refuses them all, just say "Well I want to celebrate it with just you & I. I don't want a big celebration or anything. I couldn't think of anything worse..."

Ragwort · 20/01/2023 08:20

I would absolutely hate that but I always take the lead on organising my own celebrations... why don't you say 'I'm going to book a meal out for my birthday as it's a special one, shall I invite X & Y to join us'. X & Y being people he is likely to have invited to the 'surprise' party.

Ragwort · 20/01/2023 08:23

Actually that might not work as it could be used as an excuse to get you out of the house to the party venue, I think you have to be blunter 'Please don't even think about planning a party for me, I would hate it'.

A friend of mine had a surprise party planned for her, she pretended to enjoy it but few of her real friends were invited ... so then she was in the awkward position of having to explain to her close friends why they weren't invited !

Sunshine275 · 20/01/2023 17:17

My question is how you ‘found on husbands phone?’ Sounds like you were checking up on him.

Keyansier · 20/01/2023 17:25

Does it matter how she found out? She's found out now.

I agree with what the other poster said - it's not a surprise anymore so I'd just come out and say you don't want it happening.

Needmorelego · 20/01/2023 18:25

@Sunshine275 I see messages on my husband's phone all the time (and vice versa).
Just though doing everyday stuff like checking the time on whichever phone that's nearest to reach, or stopping the timer when cooking, or showing each other pictures and stupid memes etc.
Sometimes messages flash up on the screen while looking at it.
It's not unusual for a couple to see what's on each others phones surely?
Our phones are even set up in a way that emails to either of us (different email addresses) can be seen on each others phones.

LlynTegid · 20/01/2023 18:34

You've found out, tell him, better than faking it on the day. It's a few weeks away and so hopefully nothing much has been committed.

I don't do the concept of 'big' birthdays, by the way.

Rainbow1901 · 20/01/2023 18:44

MinnieMountain · 20/01/2023 05:59

I’d hate it too.

Can you start a conversation about what you really would like and really wouldn’t like to do for your birthday?

This!!

Suggest a meal out with the friends you like and want to celebrate with and then plan it and do it!!

gogohmm · 20/01/2023 18:46

Always organise your own birthday celebrations months in advance. I've put my demands in already for the summer.

Original poster

Hpop · 21/01/2023 19:03

Yes I had already told him I just want to do a restaurant meal with whoever is free, a makeover and makeup haul and family photoshoot. Now I think about it I definitely think someone has coaxed him into it, I can actually think of who would have done it too. I will chat with him because some of my friends they wouldn't know and I would feel terrible them not being invited, more then enduring the party itself. With regards to the phones we know each others passwords and will use each others phones if they are closer or even for sending information we need for later so going through his phone isn't abnormal, although going to WhatsApp perhaps is but I was forwarding an address someone sent him so I wasn't snooping as of such. It's also a few weeks away so can be rearranged.

OP posts:

Oldfoggie1964 · 20/01/2024 16:56

I hate being the center of attention. It's milestone birthday for me this year so I've actually had 2 surprise parties b3cause my family and friends are so spread out. I hate this.

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