To think I might have autism?

[hadntbeen]

Going to try and keep this factual and not waffle.

I'm a 30 year old woman.

Friendships - I've never struggled to make or keep friendships. I've had long lasting friendships and close friendships. However, I always feel like the 'forgotten' one in friendships. Other than a few select very close friends, I'm never really invited, always second thought etc.

Social - I can sit and listen to someone speak about themselves for a long time and I have no issue asking questions. However, I hate people asking me questions about myself. I feel awkward speaking about myself unless it's someone I am very close to or family. I hate small talk and I don't understand 'banter' or jokes. I never know how to respond to people and I have seen people say something that's meant to be humorous and then search my face to see my reaction and look clearly confused when I don't react how they expect/correctly.

Work - in a professional job which involves speaking to lots of people, do fine there as almost acting. I am intelligent, I have a masters but I'm nothing special.

Physically - struggle to make eye contact with people. Really really struggle with that. Don't like people being in my personal space/sitting close or cuddling/touching to people except my daughter.

Behavioural - lots of behavioural problems growing up, lots of anger however could be tied to trauma.

Self perception - I have a false sense of perception, have no belief in myself, suffer from imposter syndrome, always feel like I am very 'unlikeable' always have since I can remember. Always felt that everyone thinks I'm weird even though I have been told I am not and have friends so can't be that weird. Always feel like I come across as awkward even though others have said this isn't accurate.

Food - have weird food/germ issues. Can't eat in restaurant due to germs even though stuff has been washed. Eat the same thing, cooked the same way over and over again.

Have you done any online tests?

No actually

..

Are you in a relationship?

I'd be cautious about some of the stereotypical perceptions of autism. I have a very people facing job, was married, am a parent and have had alway had friends. But I'm autistic and have always had my problems as a result. This might be useful for you. the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/ I found it to be pretty useful

No I'm not. I've always been highly volatile in relationships so it's just me and my daughter (she sees her dad).

Similar situation/traits, following with interest

It is possible that you're autistic. Have you read up on it? Sarah Hendrickx's book "Women and girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder" is an interesting read. A diagnosis in adulthood isn't always easy, but some GPs are receptive to referring people to explore it further. Otherwise you could try a private diagnosis. A diagnosis obviously doesn't change anything but gives you and others an understanding of what you find difficult and why. I think I am autistic too, but probably won't ever go for a diagnosis. Realising it though meant a lot of things fell into place about how different I felt as a child, and why social situations were so difficult. I had all sorts of eating and sensory problems too. I still can't wear jumpers and can't stand the feel of certain materials on my skin, but my eating problems are loads better, probably as I'm not so anxious about food now.

I would say though, that now in my 50s, while I turn down most social invites, I have carved out a life for myself that I love, even if it does mostly involve the same people and routines. It gets easier as you get older to say no to things you don't want to do and to work out what you enjoy doing and stick to that. When I look back, I did come across a few people who openly said I was "weird" or who were really unkind about me (to my face!) But the older I got, I got better at dismissing people like that and finding friends who make me feel happy. I even worked out eye contact eventually (just about!!)

I can relate to your feelings, interestingly I found the test you did and scored 24.
My daughter is autistic which made me first wonder. I’ve always been quirky I guess, certainly I struggle to read social situations and I obsess over information collecting- eg data.

The bit that I struggle to reconcile though is I’m generally happy. It’s a deficit model. I can accept difference, but I am fairly successful. I married a man like me, I have a child like me and it works. My academic success gives me access to work, my home life is different but happy. I can’t say I’d change. I don’t need social circles, but I’m fairly liked (I think). I’ll volunteer for a task, say running a kids activity. It avoids small talk as I have purpose and makes everyone friendly, though at a distance. It makes you look confident, and because I’m not nervous of opinions much I guess everyone thinks I am. I’m not really, just I don’t think about it in the moment

The only difficulty I really hit, a lot, is accidental offence. I can name three mums currently not talking to me for a reason I can’t work out. I think one thinks I ignore her?

Nobody here can really say either way. If you need to know then all you can really do is seek an assessment either via your GP or a private assessment facility (although I would go to one that assesses according to NICE guidelines - there seem to be an increasing number of somewhat questionable people setting themselves up offering autism ‘assessments’. And really that still wouldn’t help answer any question you have!)

You mention trauma …. Are attachment issues a possibility?

Most define toy

Definitely even