Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be feeling a bit betrayed

30 replies

Belowhuns · 19/01/2023 20:43

My DP and I have been together a long time and trust is quite a big issue on my part. He's been caught out in a few white lies and when we were in our mid 20s he was a bit flirty with a girl from work (she was called E in his address book - which was pretty stupid and more suspicious).

He's not a great liar so I do tend to catch him out. We've had so many conversations about this and he tells me it won't happen again and he will be honest going forward.

We're struggling a bit with money at the moment and had a really good honest conversation about it a few days ago. I felt so much more positive and felt we could easily get back on track if we keep talking and planning together.

I was on our laptop earlier and an email alert popped up in the corner of the screen to say something of his had been sold on eBay. I was curious and found that what had been sold was a limited edition item I gifted him years ago. It's linked to his favourite band, so pretty perfect and he loved it. Of course it was a gift and it belongs to him but I'm so hurt he sold it. Why didn't he tell me? Why was there no chat about it?

He mentioned on the phone this morning he needed to pop out after work today and I asked what he was doing. He said he was going to the post office and I asked why. He said a bit irritated 'just need to send something.' He then had to go.

I don't know, maybe I'm being a bit sensitive. I just feel so upset that I'm always being kept in the dark. What do you think?

OP posts:

Riverlee · 19/01/2023 20:48

Sounds like he’s worried about money and he sold it to generate some funds. Maybe he sold it before your chat, so he was committed to sending it, and felt to embarrassed to mention the sale during the chat.

Abba123 · 19/01/2023 20:48

Get rid of him.

If this is the foundation of your relationship with you having trust issues and him being less than upfront about his life, it is only going to snowball into a horrible life.

Its not even so much about the eBay item but you sneakily checking his mail and him proving that you had good reason to.

Walk away, get help, find someone who hides nothing.

Swiftswatch · 19/01/2023 20:51

I dunno, it sounds like you expect to know every tiny detail. If I was heading to the post office I don’t think I would go into full detail about something I sold on eBay, trousers I was returning etc.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 19/01/2023 20:51

I would be wondering what he needed secret money for...

WandaWonder · 19/01/2023 20:54

He could be up to something or he could feel he is living a police interview.

Maybe if you didn't want to know so much he would tell you more?

Of course he could have some secret life going on, but going on the one specific thing you think that he has sold something alone that would not register on my radar

Original poster

Belowhuns · 19/01/2023 20:59

I do ask a lot of questions but I'm sort of just like that with everyone! It's usually because I'm genuinely interested. (I'm that person who wants to know what you're having for tea 😂)

It's actually good to know that the example I've given isn't too bad. I think I can over explain sometimes, like i'd have definitely said 'i just need to pop to post office to send off specific thing'

OP posts:

Gymnopedie · 19/01/2023 21:01

Don't say anything more. Give it a week or so to see if any money materialises. If it doesn't, then tackle him. Did you take a screenshot? It's not so much what he sold, as the secrecy that he's selling anything at all and what he's going to do with the money.

A band limited edition may fetch decent money. Is he feeling like he can't spend anything just for him? I can see how he might, but what about you? Where's your spending money? Does he have a habit of spending on things when you (joint) can't afford it? If he wants to spend it on himself it suggests he doesn't see you as a partnership as much as you do.

Ohhhhladz · 19/01/2023 21:03

The old stuff sounds inconsequential - white lies and flirting and keeping your address book the way you want to are pretty normal. Impossible to say about selling the gift - if he's not sentimental maybe it was just a valuable thing he owns and doesn't absolutely need and he needed money?

Can you just tell him you saw the popup and ask him what he sold? Or tell him you saw that he sold xyz item and wondered why? (He won't know exactly what the popup said.) If you have to sneak around looking for clues and ask people online, that sounds exhausting.

Original poster

Belowhuns · 19/01/2023 21:05

From what I can tell, he's sold the item for £200 which is not bad for what it is. Though it's a bit frustrating with it not being a noticeable injection of cash so had I not seen that email, it would probably go completely unnoticed.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2023 21:10

Does he have a habit of spending on things when you (joint) can't afford it? If he wants to spend it on himself it suggests he doesn't see you as a partnership as much as you do.

Surely if he wants to buy himself something and they can't afford it out of joint income, then selling something that is his to fund the purchase of something he wants is perfectly acceptable.

FictionalCharacter · 19/01/2023 21:10

I'd be hurt by him selling something special like that secretly. If it was about needing cash we'd discuss together what we could sell, I hope.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 19/01/2023 21:41

Eastereggsboxedupready · 19/01/2023 20:51

I would be wondering what he needed secret money for...

This..
It's a massive red flag.

FlickFlackTrap · 19/01/2023 21:55

Sorry OP but I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s not a joint item he has sold, it’s his to do with as he pleases.
Its none of your business what he wants to do with the money and suggesting he should have told you about it sounds a bit controlling to be honest.

Original poster

Belowhuns · 19/01/2023 22:06

I get you. I feel swayed into thinking its not a big deal he didn't say in the first place but I still find it a bit odd he didn't just tell me when I asked this morning. He never sells anything (that I know of!) It's like if I said 'just off to dry cleaners later' - it's just unusual.

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/01/2023 22:10

I think you are teetering on the edge of being controlling. The bottom line is you trust him or you don’t. If you don’t you might as well spare both of a lot of misery and end it.

MiniCooperLover · 19/01/2023 22:12

I'd be upset but I'd be slightly suspicious if there was no mention of the money at some stage.

WandaWonder · 19/01/2023 22:17

Belowhuns · 19/01/2023 22:06

Think about anything different you may do for the first time, it may be just a simple non important thing but imagine your partner turned it into some 'you are up to something' thing

How would you feel if it felt like they were watching you waiting to do something they can comment to you on?

Lialou · 19/01/2023 22:18

It's his not yours. But the secrecy is a big no.

Original poster

Belowhuns · 19/01/2023 22:21

@WandaWonder honestly if I did something a bit different, I wouldn't be surprised if DP commented. I'm a bit of an open book though and would probably just volunteer this information. We're just different I think. If roles were reversed I'd have said I'm thinking of selling the item and would ask for his opinion. Selling a thoughtful gift from him would definitely not be a decision I took lightly. Seriously just wondering if I need to stop speaking so much 😂

Anyway comments have been helpful. While it's not what I would have done, I'm trying not to take offence.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 19/01/2023 22:24

Maybe you're struggling for money more than you think? Although if £200 isn't that noticeable to you, you're doing quite well!

Original poster

Belowhuns · 19/01/2023 22:25

@MichelleScarn apologies, I thought that might come across like that. We're both overdrawn and £200 won't make a huge difference getting us closer into the black.

OP posts:

iyzzz · 19/01/2023 22:35

Is it possible that it's not that special to him? I hear what you say about it being perfect, and you having chosen it and it sounds like a v thoughtful gift. But sometimes things we think someone might like because they fit - e.g. I love reading and books and was very touched by the thought when I received a first edition of my favourite book. But actually I'd never have bought that for myself and am not really into first editions as a thing. I can easily see that if times got tough I'd rather have the cash - but would never want to let the giver know it because they were so pleased to have found the perfect present and think I'm thrilled and it was so incredibly thoughtful.

And that actually if you're struggling for money he feels the £200 might be something that is helpful to take the pressure off (ok yes maybe it's a drop in the ocean in some senses but equally it's £200 for something sitting doing nothing in his house - which is actually a pretty useful amount of 'extra' money - for him to be able to pay for a round at work drinks, get something extra on the weekly shop, buy his mum a birthday present etc.).

Anyway none of this is the real issue. The issue is that you don't trust him. So you need to figure out what you want to do about that really because it's no way to live.

MichelleScarn · 19/01/2023 22:38

No need to apologies @Belowhuns! Was just a bit jealous in case that was the case!

Original poster

Belowhuns · 20/01/2023 09:26

DP called me from work just now to say when he left the house at 5 this morning, our wing mirror had been knocked off. We also have a bit of an old bump on the car and he said we might as well get all of it fixed...I asked if we could afford it and he said 'well we might as well just try'. I guess that's where the money is going now...

OP posts:

FlickFlackTrap · 20/01/2023 10:29

It’s illegal to drive with no wing mirror so he’s got a point! Would you rather be finding the money for a fine?
Why don’t you just ask him about it?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread