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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to tell my daughter that her dad won’t be in my life

17 replies

lilydaisy5 · 19/01/2023 19:34

After a series of arguments, I recently received a text from my ex stating that he will no longer be involved in our daughters life. I’m heartbroken for my DD that she has to grow up with no dad and what makes things worse for me is that I grew up in a loving two parent home, and always wanted to replicate that for my children. I feel like I have failed my daughter in some way.

My question is, when my daughter inevitably asks about her father, what do I say? It must be absolutely heartbreaking for a child to know that one of their parents wants nothing to do with them! Can anyone offer any advice? Feeling really sad for my DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

lilydaisy5 · 19/01/2023 19:35

Title should say ‘to ask how to tell my daughter he dad won’t be in HER life’

OP posts:

Randobelia · 19/01/2023 19:35

How old is she?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2023 19:37

How old is she and how often was she seeing him? Both pretty relevant to any advice.

SpinningFloppa · 19/01/2023 19:38

Age is important

arcencielpoisson · 19/01/2023 19:38

How old?

ConsuelaHammock · 19/01/2023 19:38

Did you live together ? Do you have photos of you all together ? I’d keep the photos for her and answer her questions honestly when she asks . It’s not your fault!

Original poster

lilydaisy5 · 19/01/2023 19:39

My daughter is only 6 months. Just thinking what to say as she gets older and wonders where her dad is especially when doing Father’s Day cards at school for example and etc

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2023 19:41

It will be her normal. And if you create a loving happy home, that will be what she experiences.

Don't mourn what you don't have, create the best with what you do.

Father's Day is barely marked honestly and there's loads of kinds in DD's class with one mum, two mums etc. no day anywhere. Or if your dad is still around he can stand in for these sorts of things.

watchfulwishes · 19/01/2023 19:42

what makes things worse for me is that I grew up in a loving two parent home, and always wanted to replicate that for my children. I feel like I have failed my daughter in some way This doesn't make it any worse for you or your daughter - it is no better or worse than for any other family - and you have not failed. It has simply happened to you both.

Try to focus on what you CAN do rather than what you CAN'T do. You can be a really caring and supportive mum who helps their daughter deal with this. You are very lucky to know what a happy home life is and you will find creative ways of providing something that is different, but also good.

Bemyclementine · 19/01/2023 19:42

Schools tend not to do mothers/fathers day. Ours do special perdon day x 2.

I think its easier that she's young and won't kniw any different.

Randobelia · 19/01/2023 19:42

It'll be her norm, and when she asks questions be honest in an age appropriate way.

My son was 18 months when my exh who was very abusive left. To be honest I should have left him much earlier but he kept threatening to not see him. He asks about him every so often but to be honest, it's what he's used to and as long as you use language she can understand then she'll be absolutely fine.

Good luck OP .

gravyriceandchips · 19/01/2023 19:48

I feel for you and you haven't failed her. He has. What a piece of shit he is.

At six months it will be all she's ever known.

Please try not to worry too much.

My dd,s dad is not involved. Phone call every two weeks. If he calls.

She's 9. She understands that he doesn't behave as a dad should. She has a step dad now and they idolise each other.

She also remembers when it was just the two of us and she enjoys when her step dad is working away.

We don't bad Mouth her dad but she's developed her own view of him.

I also have a step dad and I don't care about my biological dad at all. Wouldn't see him if he asked as he's had my whole life to bother with me and he hasn't. My step dad is my dad. He actually chose to be my dad and he adopted me. Same as my dd,s dad has with her. Although he is unable to adopt her because her dad calls intermittently.

You certainly haven't failed her. Please don't think like that.

Make the most of the two if you x

SpinningFloppa · 19/01/2023 19:50

Well 6 months will be much easier than her being 6 or 16 as she won’t remember him so at least that’s something; unlike what others said my kids school did do Father’s Day and that caused some issues for my dd unfortunately

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 19/01/2023 19:52

Wait until she asks, and tell the truth. She hasn’t grown up with him and she likely won’t give a hoot, to her he’s never been around.

Original poster

lilydaisy5 · 19/01/2023 19:52

Yeah I’m a teacher myself and my school do Father’s Day activities which is why it is a concern of mine.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 19/01/2023 19:52

She won’t ever have known her dad to miss him. She’ll have her life, her world, her (your) family. She’s probably better off like that than she would be with a flaky, useless dad letting her down. And you may meet someone else in the future who may be like a father to her, you never know. She’s tiny, she’s unlikely to ask for years, by which time you will know what to say. Enjoy the here and now, and the lack of interference.

Randobelia · 19/01/2023 19:54

Do you have a Grandad/Uncle/male friend that she can give whatever stuff she's made at school to if it comes up?

Only happened to us once, in nursery, nursery teacher sort of whispered "it's for Father's Day" but made zero fuss as I was looking clueless, we gave it to my Dad.

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