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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drama over birth partner

30 replies

Namechangetobeanon · 19/01/2023 15:31

Second baby and my birth plan is to have my partner and best friend in the delivery room with me. For many reasons although particularly because my best friend and me can absolutely laugh through anything and she gets on great with my partner too. This has caused animosity with my mother. My mother seems to think that she should be in with me because she’s my mum. I didn’t have her at my first birth it was simply me and my partner. This time round I know what to expect and would love my friends support.

Myself and my mum aren’t close, we rarely see each other and she is never exactly interested in my first born. For some perspective, I haven’t seen my mum since Christmas Eve and saw her approx 5 times in 2022 only because I made the effort.

This has caused a rift and since she made the assumption that she would be in the delivery room and me telling her no, she hasn’t spoken to me or got in touch, this was Xmas Eve. What she has done however is moan to people that she is not coming in who seem to be reiterating that she IS entitled to come in (this is being filtered back to me).

AIBU to not reach out and simply allow her to continue to wallow in self pity? Why on earth should she be able to bully and coerce her way in and have other people contacting me telling me I’m selfish? Including my only other sister who hasn’t had my mother at any of her 2 children’s births and my childless brother?

OP posts:
halloumi1 · 19/01/2023 15:40

You’re not being unreasonable at all.

The simple fact is - it’s your body and a very vulnerable and painful time; you want people around you who you trust and who will make the experience positive for you.
I also have a strained and limited contact relationship with my mum. I’d be horrified at the thought of her being in the labour room with me - it would make me stressed which isn’t conducive to progressing labour!
Continue with not speaking to her or anyone else who raises such stupid comments on her behalf - you’ve done nothing wrong and a ‘title’ like being someone’s parent, doesn’t gift you any automatic rights.
It’s no-one’s business at all what you choose to do with your birth and if having your friend there is what you’re happy with, absolutely do it.

Wishing you all the best with your birth and it being the positive experience you want

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 15:42

No. You’re completely right and sensible.
making this about her, and adding stress to you whilst your pregnant is just her evidencing that you made the right choice

SarahAndQuack · 19/01/2023 15:43

I'm surprised you're allowed two birth partners. If you're not close to your mum, I'd be awfully tempted to go with a white lie and say you've re-checked the information and unfortunately, you can only have your DP there. She'd presumably be fine with that as she was the first time.

But yes, absolutely, there's no onus on you to pander to her. She does sound quite self-involved. But I think even the nicest people sometimes get a bit strange around birth and perhaps that's all it is.

takealettermsjones · 19/01/2023 15:45

Wow. Nope, nope and more nope. I'd be repeating "I've made my decision" to any and all comments, from her or her flying monkeys. You don't need this aggro now (or ever tbh), so I'd consider doing a one warning and then you're blocked until after the birth rule.

Anotheanon · 19/01/2023 15:49

I had my mum with my first baby. The only reason she was there is because I wanted her to be. She did not expect to be asked and there was no entitlement.
Let her sulk.

phoenixrosehere · 19/01/2023 16:13

YANBU

Your birth partner is someone you feel relaxed around and you know will not only fully support you but speak up for you when you struggle or cannot.

whattodo1975 · 19/01/2023 16:15

If i was your husband id be a bit annoyed at having to share the experience with your bestie.

You can laugh through anything together? Even when the forceps come out ?

Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 16:20

YANBU X

Lenald · 19/01/2023 16:21

Her behaviour rn is the perfect example of why you’re not close.

Builtforcomfortbutnotspeed · 19/01/2023 16:22

I’m not close to my mother at all (I’ve been nc for the last 11 years) but 18 years ago I was pregnant and was thinking of asking my bestie to be there
before I had a chance my mother told me,not asked me,that she was going to be there at his birth
looking back I should have told her to fuck off but went with it for a quiet life (I would never had heard the last of it if I hadn’t)
it was awful-she took the piss out of me,made it ‘her show’,demanded endless coffees to be made for her,no encouragement at all-I was told to ‘stop being a drama queen’ and it ended with her yelling at me to ‘shut up’ as I was about to push him out
she then spent weeks mimicking me in labour to get a laugh out of her mates

have who you want in there with you-sod her (and best of luck)

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 19/01/2023 16:23

Why did you tell her? I'd just tell her DP is coming in with you if she asked, because he is, just with your bestie too!

It's your birth so you choose who is there. Ignore your mums comments.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 19/01/2023 16:34

whattodo1975 · 19/01/2023 16:15

If i was your husband id be a bit annoyed at having to share the experience with your bestie.

You can laugh through anything together? Even when the forceps come out ?

It's giving One Born Every Minute isn't it lmao

Oh the ~drama~

Original poster
Namechangetobeanon · 19/01/2023 16:52

He is not in the slightest bit annoyed.

Yes, we laugh through anything. I went through one of the worst times of my life and my partner was away with work. Guess who was by my side supporting me and making me laugh even in the darkest times I’ve faced? That’s right my best friend.

Same when my friend was going through extremely hard times, me and my partner where there to help her through it and managed to stifle laughs with her too.

Should forceps come into question or any other medical emergency, I know for a fact both will be able support me in their unique ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangetobeanon · 19/01/2023 16:55

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 19/01/2023 16:23

Why did you tell her? I'd just tell her DP is coming in with you if she asked, because he is, just with your bestie too!

It's your birth so you choose who is there. Ignore your mums comments.

If I’m honest I’m kicking myself for even mentioning that my friend was coming in. It’s not like she would have known but I genuinely didn’t think she’d act like a child over it.

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 19/01/2023 16:56

Your body, your guest list.

Original poster
Namechangetobeanon · 19/01/2023 16:59

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 19/01/2023 16:34

It's giving One Born Every Minute isn't it lmao

Oh the ~drama~

Show quote history

Not exactly one born every minute, we won’t be filming anything. I’ll simply have the support of two adults who I am close to and should any emergencies arise, they will support me and each other.

If an emergency occurred and my partner was to be left solo in a corridor, then he will also have my friend there to lean on as opposed to being stood by himself and vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangetobeanon · 19/01/2023 17:02

SarahAndQuack · 19/01/2023 15:43

I'm surprised you're allowed two birth partners. If you're not close to your mum, I'd be awfully tempted to go with a white lie and say you've re-checked the information and unfortunately, you can only have your DP there. She'd presumably be fine with that as she was the first time.

But yes, absolutely, there's no onus on you to pander to her. She does sound quite self-involved. But I think even the nicest people sometimes get a bit strange around birth and perhaps that's all it is.

We’re allowed two birthing partners in the labour suite ☺️ I was quite surprised at it as when I had my first, it was one only.

OP posts:
custardbear · 19/01/2023 17:12

I'd chose my best friend over my mum every time!

JudgeRudy · 19/01/2023 17:19

YANBU and you know it. In my eyes the only person entitled to be there is you. It would be usual to have your partner there too but I don't think even partners have a right if you'd prefer them not to. Have you asked your mum what on earth would make her think you would want her there? Have you spelt it out and told her you're not even close and she's not show any evidence of being supportive so far. Maybe she needs to hear the truth, not to point score but perhaps refect on her previous apathy.

Wibbly1008 · 19/01/2023 17:22

I wanted my dp and my sister but the room was too small so my ds couldn’t come in. She was really upset. Let your mother sulk. You are not close so who cares, this is her wanting to brag to her mates about a grandchild she won’t bother with later. Any third hand chat is people trying to appease her.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/01/2023 17:23

I'd just say to anyone who mentions it on her behalf "this is the perfect example of why I haven't invited her. She doesn't respect the fact that the comfort of the birthing woman is the most important thing"

Original poster
Namechangetobeanon · 19/01/2023 17:36

JudgeRudy · 19/01/2023 17:19

YANBU and you know it. In my eyes the only person entitled to be there is you. It would be usual to have your partner there too but I don't think even partners have a right if you'd prefer them not to. Have you asked your mum what on earth would make her think you would want her there? Have you spelt it out and told her you're not even close and she's not show any evidence of being supportive so far. Maybe she needs to hear the truth, not to point score but perhaps refect on her previous apathy.

She knows we’re not close at all and we’ve spoken about the fact numerous times. She didn’t have this drama the first time which made me think there wouldn’t be any issues.

I just don’t understand why on earth she thinks she is entitled to come in. For example, my first pregnancy was very up and down and when I’d asked her to come visit me after 5 days in hospital she told me no, she was having a bbq as it was nice weather. I’m failing to understand why she thinks that she can be absent for the bad times but is absolutely entitled to be there for the good times 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangetobeanon · 19/01/2023 17:39

Wibbly1008 · 19/01/2023 17:22

I wanted my dp and my sister but the room was too small so my ds couldn’t come in. She was really upset. Let your mother sulk. You are not close so who cares, this is her wanting to brag to her mates about a grandchild she won’t bother with later. Any third hand chat is people trying to appease her.

I think that’s exactly it, bragging rights to her friends. I appreciate that some of her friends have been their daughters and some daughter in laws birthing partner, but they are close. They have the mother daughter bond and spend many times together. So I know it may upset her, but it’s also not my fault that they have a better bond with their daughters than she does with me and my siblings.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 19/01/2023 22:42

I’d say that the only people who can see me push a person into the world are the people who have held me when I’ve cried, held my hair when I’ve been sick, told someone to piss off when I e been unable to say it, tell me I’m being bloody minded on those occasions when I’m a arsehole and hold my hand when I’m sad… and will forget I’ve told them to fuck right off! Oh and even then it’s invite only! because those are all of me when in labour.

If your family are so interested in your decision tell them they can invite dm to the next smear or sil birth for support but on this occasion they can stop earning brownie points with mum for berating you

you may have guessed it’s a yanbu from me!

celticprincess · 20/01/2023 18:20

Gosh, my mum made it quite clear she wanted to be no where near the birth!! She had to take us as my DH at the time didn’t drive so she was driver. Second time round she was looking after my first child when I went in. For her she has bad experiences of both mine and my sister’s births and probably has some trauma around it all - as well as a miscarriage herself.

It’s definitely an individual choice though.