Depression and raising children

[Nooriginalusername23]

For a long time now I have felt really low. I don’t look forward to anything and I suffer with anxiety. My DD is still a baby but I thought this feeling of hopelessness would have passed by now.

I always wanted kids and I love mine so much but I can’t be a good parent feeling like this? I have no friends that I can talk to, I have a partner who works a lot. My DS is at an age where he is sometimes challenging but only for me and not his dad. Other than that he is really a good child, both of them are. If I didn’t have them then I would consider not being here anymore. I am always irritable and now never leave the house unless it’s to go to work.
it’s such a crap existence. I almost don’t care about anything anymore. would it be unreasonable to assume if I wasn’t here anymore I would be doing my children a favour? I can’t be a good mother to them anymore and it’s not fair. They have a dad who is more than capable of raising them. It makes me sad but if I wasn’t here they have a chance of growing up to be happy and stable people whilst I will probably make them miserable.

OP, you need to call the GP today to make an appointment.
Your feelings are real and distressing but your thoughts are driven by your illness and they are not rational.
Your GP will probably talk you through the diagnostic questionnaire for depression and anxiety and you will probably be diagnosed with both (based on what you've said).
You can also self-refer for CBT (Google IAPT in your area). But you may well need medication too.
Please do it for your children if not for yourself.

I don’t know how anything can help

Are you on any medication? Hormonal contraception or still breastfeeding?

BF yes

You sound depressed, but then I have feelings like this sometimes and I don't think I'm depressed, I just feel a bit hopeless about life and the state of the economy/government. I feel like bit guilty for bringing a child into the country that is going to shit.

Are these feeling cyclical? I breastfed for the long time and I think it gave me PMDD. I'm on HRT now and don't have the terrible cycles of doom and suicidality I used to have. I try to exercise a few days a week too as that is an excuse to have a break from family life and it lifts your mood. I don't know how feasible that is with your schedule though?

Being a working parent is hard, especially if both of you are FT. The world outlook is poor, and I feel exhausted and don't feel I have much to show for it due to renting and unable to save. I despair sometimes! You might just be burnt out and needing a break. Are you able to book a couple of days off for yourself? Its hard reading these threads. Tory Britain has fucked parents of young kids over massively haven't they?

I think you need to see a GP and talk to partner about feelings too. Hope you feel better and manage to work something out.

Do you have any space to consider the huge emotional impact on a child of losing their one and only mum? You are their world, they need and love you desperately, they rely on you fully as their constant. Even more so than their dad if he is out slot. They need you OP. Please reach out for support from your GP. The impact on your life and that of your children if you get a handle on your mental health would be huge. I know it is so, so hard and in a sense living with the idea of just quietly disappearing is appealing, but it is never, ever like that. Read any account of someone who has lost a loved one to suicide. It is messy and painful and leaves a hole that is dark and painful. You really matter. Please get help.

Bf made me feel absolute despair. Didn't feel like myself until I stopped. Did you feel better after stopping with your first?

YABU to think your children would be fine without you. You are the centre of their world - the sun around which their existence currently revolves.

You don't go from being OK to prolonged severe clinical depression (which I have had) at the flick of a switch, it is gradual, a self-perpetuating spiral, because depression takes away your ability to do the things that would help to lift it.

It is very hard to explain to people who haven't had severe depression the sense of inertia that it brings. Society tends to view other mental illnesses as to some degree irrational/delusional and depression as being about "feelings", but it is so much more. I think it is an irrational mental/behavioural condition tbh.

There is plenty of help out there though, please seek some.

It's safe to take sertraline when breastfeeding x

Please reach out and get help. Having children can be tough and challenging but as pp have said you are their world.
I've suffered with my mental health over the years, some days are tough still but talking is the first step.