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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to cope with seeing sisters new baby girl.

21 replies

Tulipwholip · 19/01/2023 13:04

My sister gave birth to a new baby girl yesterday, we’re not particularly close but see her at family events.

I had a termination in April as I learnt shortly after becoming pregnant that the father was going to be a nightmare, he was violent and the Mum of his other child is near suicidal due to the constant hell he gives her. I wanted better for any future babies of mine but it still bloody hurt.

My baby would have been born in December, it’s quite raw, nobody knows in my family. But the thought of seeing this tiny newborn is breaking my heart.

OP posts:
dogdaydown · 19/01/2023 13:06

Have you accessed counselling for your trauma? Do you have anyone you can chat to on real life about this? Flowers

RestingMurderousFace · 19/01/2023 13:08

My heart is aching for you. Take your time, go and see them when you feel ready. 💐

Chubbernut · 19/01/2023 13:08

I’m sorry for your loss. I think that, for your own sake, you need to try and separate your niece from the baby you lost. Your niece is a separate human being with whom you’ll have a very different relationship. I do recognise the difficulty (believe me, I do know) but they’re different people. For me, the easiest way to cope is not to compare or allow yourself to put them into the same box in your mind.

Shekissedagirlandshelikedit · 19/01/2023 13:13

Are you due to see her soon, op? I know you say you're not close to your sister, but is this something you might be able to talk to her about? It might help if she can understand what you've been through if you need to leave early or get upset. It would be lovely if you can have a relationship with your niece.
So sorry for what you went through 💐

Lialou · 19/01/2023 13:25

You could do with speaking to someone as you are going to spend a lifetime looking at her thinking what if. You've done what was right for you, what use is bringing a baby into the world to someone who would make you suicidal. You've done the right thing, I'd have done the same. But your niece is a totally separate person x

Petronus · 19/01/2023 13:30

Ahh god that's rough. I agree with the previous poster that it might be good to talk to someone. In the meantime could you send her a card and gift so you have acknowledged the birth, but then give her a swerve until you are mentally in a better place? If you are not close anyway, I don't see why you should put yourself through seeing the baby at the moment.

Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 13:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. X

Swissmountains · 19/01/2023 13:51

OP please organise to have some counselling, as soon as possible, and talk through the grief and bereavement you are experiencing.

Send your sister the biggest cloud of pink flowers and tell her you are really ill with a bug/cold and can't visit for now, but will be along to see her soon if you can't tell her the truth. If you can tell her, please do, because she will know and sense something is wrong.

WhenDovesFly · 19/01/2023 13:58

I feel for you OP. Although it was 25 years ago, I can still clearly recall my newlywed SIL coming round to tell me she was pregnant. Only weeks previously I'd lost our longed for first baby early in pregnancy and we'd tried for years to get pregnant. Hers was virtually a honeymoon pregnancy. It hurt more than I can express.

I agree with others that it might be beneficial to get a little counselling to deal with your grief. There's no rush to go round and see the new baby as you say yourself you're not exceptionally close. Just acknowledge for now with a card and maybe a small gift.

Original poster
Tulipwholip · 19/01/2023 13:59

Thank you all so much for your wonderfully supportive replies. I will definitely look into some form of counselling so I can move on from this. It’s a very sensitive thing for me, my head knows that I’ve done the right thing - but my heart does long for the baby I couldn’t keep. X

OP posts:
Rafferty10 · 19/01/2023 14:03

Oh op l do feel for you,

Firstly fwiw l think you did absolutely the right thing having a termination, (and l say that as someone who leans to pro life.) No baby should be breought into the world who has a dangerous parent.

If you are close enough and totally trust her) tell your Dsis in confidence why you cannot face seeing her baby yet.
If not just send a lovely message of congrats in a card and a gift and make excuses for as long as you need.

I have not been in your sad situation, but have lost 3 pregnancies and l can tell you it does heal but takes time .

dogdaydown · 19/01/2023 14:04

Tulipwholip · 19/01/2023 13:59

Thank you all so much for your wonderfully supportive replies. I will definitely look into some form of counselling so I can move on from this. It’s a very sensitive thing for me, my head knows that I’ve done the right thing - but my heart does long for the baby I couldn’t keep. X

Do that as quickly as you can, you're hurting so much.

Flowers
TiddleyWink · 19/01/2023 14:16

I also agree you made a heartbreaking but ultimately responsible and loving decision. The number of children who are born into hideous and dangerous lives is awful. How many times to we wonder what women were thinking having a baby with some god awful man who gives her and their child a life of dangerous misery? I honestly think that, very sadly, being a good and selfless mother doesn’t always mean bringing the baby into the world.

If you can’t or don’t want to confide the details to your sister, perhaps you could just send a message and say something along the lines of ‘forgive me if I’m a little more distant than you may have expected. I’m incredibly happy for you but I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to newborns right now for various reasons. Please don’t take it personally and I’d rather not go into more detail but just wanted to make sure you don’t get the wrong idea and think I’m not happy for you or interested in beautiful [insert baby’s name]. Sending lots of love.’

Any decent person would be sensitive but also let it be and not grill you for more information. Hopefully she is that sort of person?

GodspeedJune · 19/01/2023 14:22

If you aren’t able to face it right now, that’s ok. Do what you need to protect your mental health and well being. Send a card and some flowers if you can, so it doesn’t look like a snub.

In slightly different circumstances, aided by covid restrictions, I didn’t meet a new nephew for several months as I was going through infertility.

springerspanielpuppy · 19/01/2023 16:25

Access counselling if you think this will affect you long term. This happened to me, I know I terminated for the right reasons, looking back now I can see how my life would have turned out if I didn’t and it would not have been good. However my sister gave birth a month after my termination and so every year on my nephews birthday it is a reminder. No one knows I had a termination it no longer upsets me but it still there and it was decades ago and I couldn’t let it upset my relationship with my sister or nephew.

VikingsandDragons · 19/01/2023 21:01

I can only really add my own experience. My SIL had a baby in September, I'd had a miscarriage earlier in the year after 5 years of trying, otherwise my baby would have arrived within a few weeks of theirs. I found it really, really hard in the run up to the birth, the baby shower, the excitement, but when I met the baby I didn't feel all the things I thought I would. That's just my nephew, and he's cute, and I love him, and he's very much not my baby that I lost. I was really suprised how not upset by him I was considering I still find pregnant women really hard to be around. I'm so sorry for the decision you had to make.

Original poster
Tulipwholip · 19/01/2023 22:52

I went and met the baby, sobbed my heart out! But ‘happy tears’ right haha. X

OP posts:
been and done it. · 19/01/2023 23:38

Really pleased that you've done this. I hope it helped you a little x

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 20/01/2023 07:19

@Tulipwholip
Bless your heart ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss but it sounds like you've totally done the right thing under the circumstances;

I had a termination myself many years ago - similar situation to yours and escaped what would have been a life of hell

I've gone on to meet a lovely partner and have 2 kids as I'm sure many others will have done.

Try not to let it overshadow your new niece's arrival and maybe this could be an olive branch between your and your sister - if my sister told me that I'd totally be there for her xx

Rainbowqueeen · 20/01/2023 07:25

@Tulipwholip you are an absolute star.

You went to visit your niece knowing it would upset you and you had an abortion after weighing up the circumstances and make the best decision you could.

I wish nothing but good things and healing for you this year. I’m glad you’re seeking counselling, it sounds like it will really help.

Tonsiltrouble · 20/01/2023 07:56

If you can be in some way at least partly honest with your sister that might help. I don’t mean the detail you’ve shared here, but something a little lighter/more non committal - something like, ‘for a little while last year I thought I might also be having a baby around this time but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be’ … this might mean that your sister is more sensitive in the way she handles your presence in her child’s life

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