None of my business or duty bound to intervene?

[Inhibitor]

My DM is in her 70s and has been retired a few years. My DF is slightly younger and has led a successful career, still works part time and inherited well from his family so that they are mortgage free with money in the bank. They live in a large house with two adult GC living with them. Their outgoings are huge but he shows no interest in trying to reduce them and very often treats himself to expensive gadgets that he doesn’t really need - fair enough, it’s his money.

DM on the other hand, has pensions which she mostly gives to DF as her contribution to the household (he manages all the bills). She is also financially supporting her GC and DSis who has her own successful career. Not just financially, she also drives her GC everywhere acting like a free taxi service and cooks for them, driving the food over every evening like a free meal service. She drives an old banger that drinks fuel and is always breaking down but she says she can’t afford to replace it. I guess she was fine with this but with the rising cost of everything, she’s so skint, she’s looking for paid work. She is being offered inappropriate work for her age or outright being rejected despite her being over qualified, she thinks because of her age, and I would tend to agree. She’s taking this rejection very personally.

I feel so upset that she is doing this to herself. She has martyred herself her entire life and should be enjoying her retirement. I have told her that she should start saying no to people and speak to DF about rebalancing the finances so she has enough without resorting to getting another job. I get on well with DF but I’d be the first to admit that he’s a bit of an arsehole and is not very kind to DM. I can see that everybody is using her but she’s got such low self esteem and confidence that she allows it to happen. I’ve had these conversations with her many times before but I don’t think she’ll stop unless people stop asking and putting on her.

I really want to have it out with the family on DMs behalf and enforce some sort of balance so that she’s not left to work herself into an early grave. She’s unlikely to appreciate it though and DSis doesn’t speak to me so probably wouldn’t welcome any criticism about the way she relies on DM (her previous response has been that she wants to so she lets her). DF will likely have excuses about fair contributions. Or is this none of my business and I should support DM to find another job?

So your dad is financially abusing your mum, is that what you're saying?

She pays for her grandchildren (?) and drives an old car and is looking for more work. He spends his cash on gadgets and enjoys a life of luxury?

If that's the case then yes it's worth speaking to her, but if she's been in an abusive relationship her whole life she may not want to leave now.

If she did leave of course, the assets of this presumably long marriage would be split and she may end up better off?

It doesn’t sound to me like he’s being abusive. It doesn’t say anywhere that he’s not allowing her funds or not allowing her to have a new car etc. He works and he spends that money on things he likes - that’s not doing anything wrong. She doesn’t work and is seeking work - again, that’s not a problem either. She has access to funds and is choosing not to spend it on a new car or nice things for herself - she’s perfectly entitled to do that and it’s no one else’s fault that she does. It would be best, of course, if he ensured she has a working vehicle but the kind of person who insists on cooking and bringing meals for people and being a taxi service is very often the kind of person who refuses to accept great expenditure on things for them that aren’t absolutely necessary. She’s an adult and it’s not his job to override her decision on how to spend money. She sounds like she might be overworking herself (I don’t know anything about her state of health) but she’s working less than he is so I’m failing to see how he’s the villain here. I’d encourage her to establish her boundaries and spoil herself a bit but it doesn’t sound like anyone else’s fault. I don’t think it’s fair to blame your sister, father and nieces/nephews just because you don’t like them. Given that you don’t like them and you’ve clearly taken them to task before, I don’t see what you expect to gain from kicking off again.

I think it’s financial abuse, he’d probably argue that they contribute according to their means and it’s on her for spending what she has on other people. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she was giving money to other people as that’s just the way she is.

Shes talked about leaving before but I don’t think she will. I’ve wondered if she enjoys being put on so much as it reinforces her self belief that she’s not worth anything. It’s a tricky one because these are deeply ingrained beliefs about herself and she definitely has not modelled healthy behaviour to me or DSis (we have older half brothers too) and we’ve both ended up in abusive relationships. I’m both angry and heartbroken for her but I don’t think she’ll change now. I want the people around her to recognise this and stop taking the piss.

I don’t dislike anyone involved and DSis fell out with me because I wouldn’t break up with a guy simply because he was friends with her ex. But yes, I’m not sure anyone would listen to me this time.

Well my first thought was that it is financial abuse too. But I guess the other poster is correct, you don’t seem to be saying that she is actually denied money or if she is doing this to herself?

If your DM is spending money on everyone else instead of herself then you need to encourage her to become more assertive. She should not be supporting 3 adults. If your DF rebalanced the finances would your DM spend the extra on herself or more realistically carry on giving to everyone else?

It’s a grey area because he is emotionally abusive towards her. When we last spoke about it a few years ago, he explained the household outgoings and what he asks of her and it all sounded very reasonable. But she doesn’t have enough to cover her basic outgoings, car maintenance etc. If he asked for less, she would continue to support everyone else but would have more for herself. She won’t treat herself to anything but she wouldn’t be worrying so much about money and wouldn’t need to get a job. DF doesn’t need to work btw, he chooses to for the prestige but often complains that he’s taken on too much and wants to quit next year.

Asking someone to contribute a reasonable amount to the household finance is not financial abuse. The problem is her supporting everyone else. That is what needs to change.

Why though is she continuing to support DSis who has her own successful career? And GC. This stops and then she has money to support herself surely rather than get a job. If they need the extra they can get second jobs etc.

[I’ve wondered if she enjoys being put on so much as it reinforces her self belief that she’s not worth anything]

There is another way of looking at it which is actually the reverse. It makes her feel useful and needed

The thing is even if he asked for less and she had more disposable income she may well just give that or spend it on others. She would still be driving a run down car and be tight on money because of her boundaries. If she is contributing a fair percentage and spending the rest of her money on others there’s not really anything anyone can do. She needs to set firm boundaries but it sounds like she doesn’t want to.

It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic for sure but I doubt anything you say or do is likely to change things for the better so having already made your thoughts on the situation clear I don't think there is much else you can do

If my (non-working) spouse gave away all their disposable income entirely through their own choice then I wouldn’t take kindly to other members of the family making me out as financially abusive for not giving them my earned disposable income (for them to also give away).

They each have their money. He chooses to spend his on nice things for himself. She chooses to give hers away. It’s not financially abusive for him to decide to continue buying himself nice things rather than give her more money to throw away.

If you’re that worried about her “working herself to death” (as opposed to her husband who you think should work himself to death) then feel free to tell her to stop making that choice for herself. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to enjoy you trying to pin her choices on them though.

Have her come and stay with you and leave them all to it. Her money will be hers and your sister can fend for herself.

Which one would you regret more? I'd have it out with DF, only with DMs permission though.

I think she needs to stop supporting everyone. They can sort themselves out.

As the daughter of a man who was abusive to my mum, I see some victim-blaming in this thread. She's the problem for being too generous, really??

They're a married couple and I just suspect that his more stellar career owed something to being able to outsource childrearing to her. Of course their pensionts should be shared. Those grandchildren are his, too, aren't they?

Describing women as 'martyring themselves' is so often a way to imply they had easy alternatives that they failed to pursue. Ime that's often not the case.

OP I'm sorry, and partisan, but your DF doesn't sound like 'a bit of' an arsehole to me. He sounds like the full grown version. I'd be tempted to have it out with DF and DSis, but an actual argument may be more than you poor mum can stomach.

Can you make some sort of long term plan to support her and lighten her load? Or just tell your dad to bloody well share his resources with the woman who has done the drudge work for him throughout, and go NC if he's an arse about it?

Your mum is unreasonable and needs to be encouraged to let adult family members stand on their own two feet. Maybe she could get the same validation and self esteem boost from volunteering somewhere, offering time rather than money and within pre-defined boundaries? It made me think of this poem ..