To stop helping my DF?

[PurpleSky300]

I struggle to have a relationship with my DF as he has problems with drink and is set in his ways. He won't engage with the digital world (other than Facebook) but as it's almost default now, he sometimes asks for help with online "life admin".

Tonight, he came over and we were supposed to checking he is up to date with his bills, tracing mortgage statements because he lost his paper ones, registering for repeat prescriptions, emailing his employer because he can't access his payslips etc. He just didn't want to do it. As soon as I tried to talk him through the process of setting up usernames and encouraging him to write things down, he just said "I don't understand it, I'm not bothering with it" and that was that. He just wanted to connect to the Wifi to update his phone / games apps etc, he zoned out. He also refuses to speak to organisations / official people on the phone because he 'doesn't know what to say'.], so he's completely stuck.

I cooked some tea and he wouldn't eat it, said I hadn't cooked it like he is used to. Then he wanted chips but I had 'disgusting' brown bread when he wanted white, malt vinegar when he wanted condiment, etc. Everything was wrong. Then he left and I just thought - why am I doing this? Why am I trying to help when he won't even try? I just want to leave him to it but I realise that not being online makes his life so much harder. He is just so rude and dismissive, he doesn't care about things.

Honestly I think for your own mental health you need to step back and disengage. If he asks for help in future make it clear he needs to respect you when your helping and being rude means you won’t continue. I think some of the things you mentioned such as bills / mortgage payments I would be tempted to offer to monitor every few months without him in order to not worry about the financial consequences.

However access to payslips I would let him deal with - if he’s able to work and needs them he can speak to whichever department he needs to about it.

repeat prescriptions he can go into gp surgery and get someone who he will be respectful to to help him. If he’s disrespectful to them then they wouldn’t continue either.

Some healthy boundaries for you are what’s needed now

Can you talk to him and tell him that you don't want to help him if he doesn't like how you do things? He can always pay someone to help him.

My parents are similar. Drink a lot, cry help when it comes to problems, always proclaim they need help with the never ending technical gadgets they buy. They forget that neither my sister or I were brought up with technology either (both in our 50s). I think it's a generation thing. My parents are in their 70s. Have excess money and are very bloody minded. The only way my sister and I can deal with it is to stay away from them for longer periods of time. So even though my parents live 20 mins from me I see them every couple of months. Any more than this and I feel overwhelmed by their constant moaning and selfishness. For your own sanity just limit your time with your father. If hes not interested then let him crack on. If he asks for help then stipulate what works for you or you dont help. I find they are like overgrown toddlers and need to be treated accordingly

taylorcounselinggroup.com/blog/set-boundaries-for-difficult-family-members/

HTH

My mum and dad are early seventies both very bright and no cognitive issues and yet they refuse to have the internet or a mobile phone. To be honest they just go to wherever they need to go eg. Bank etc and just occasionally ask me to buy stuff off amazon gor them. Its no trouble they are great parents but I can see how things grate when the recipient of help is constantly moaning!

Drop the rope OP.

Don't try and sort online stuff for him.
Don't cook for him.

If he complains about either just tell him you're not doing it because he refuses to engage or endlessly complains about your food.

I understand how he feels. Things like that just ruffle my brain. My sister is an accountant & helps me with my tax etc. But when she starts explaining anything to me... I think your dad would like to understand, but he’s just too resistant to it. The other issues are annoying too, but he’s probably a bit embarrassed that he can’t just sort himself out.

You've pretty much answered your own question OP. Why ARE you doing this?
I'd make a point of asking him what his plan is for the future (when the next IT obstical presents)....do it in such a way that you 'bookmark' the conversation so you can refer to it later..."Dad, didn't we have this conversation last Sunday and you said you would....".
Be prepared for fall out when he is astounded by your refusal to help. His lack of forward planning isn't your responsibility. These incidents won't be emergencies, they'll be predictable outcomes. Maybe offer to call Social Services and ask for him to be assessed for a support worker and you'll take over Power of Attorney. He won't like that but he's acting like he can't do stuff...he just doesn't want to...guess what dad, neither do i

It sounds like he thinks you're just going to sort it and its job done. Its okay to say no. He's an adult and should either look after his own affairs or have the foresight to know he needs to ask for help and be actively engaged with that help
I've got a very similar situation with a family member and for my own sanity I've had to walk away. Needs extensive help and support but doesn't want to accept any help from outsiders. Insists that family run around after her doing her bidding because its cheaper and more convenient for her. For my own sake (very pregnant) I've said you need to pay for someone's services (which she can easily afford) or make your own way. I wont be at your beck and call anymore. Especially considering I get nothing but abuse and criticism the whole time like you do.

Thanks everyone. I think it's definitely the case that he expected it to be something I could do for him in a few clicks and he wouldn't need to remember anything / do anything himself, but that's not really how it works with stuff you have to check or order regularly! I am making him a list of important phone numbers / contact details for the relevant organisations and then I think the best thing is to leave him to it for a while. He will probably engage when he really wants to do it and not before.