Co-Parenting Dilemma

[Mammymammymammymammy]

looking for a view on whether IABU & perhaps some advice, NC’d as it’s quite topical with ex right now and would rather it didn’t lead them to all my weight loss details etc…

anyway! Ex and I share 1 DD who is just 12, been separated 9 years, mostly pretty amicably. To set some context:

ex has DD 2-4 weekend nights a month plus a bit extra in the school holidays

he pays less than CMS calc (£160) a month, but he’s self employed so I’ve never pushed it and he does most of the driving to get her. He didn’t pay anything at all until about 5 years ago.

around 4 years ago he moved in with his new partner & her child to her 2 bed house. (Kids opposite sex, not related) I asked what the plan was as the got older and was told it wasn’t an issue and it would be sorted by then.

they’ve since had another boy, now 2 and are in same house. Our DD now sleeps at his mums without him every time he has her.

This kind of came to a head unexpectedly as she had a date for something hobby related she wanted to do on his weekend and he’d always promised her he’d facilitate when that happened. I sent him the info and asked if I should confirm her attendance. He said no, it requires either an overnight stay or a very early start & long drive which he can no longer do because of their young child.

I suggested that given she no longer gets to spend any overnights with her dad it was a nice opportunity but got a flat no, he can’t leave partner with youngest overnight as he is to challenging. Yet they are leaving him with grandparents for a long weekend soon to go abroad on holiday, which o know about as he asked to swap DD weekend too.

he often works or has other plans on his weekends with her. They are also taking the 2 boys on holiday abroad in term time this year as they are younger, DD has never been away with them.

I feel so bad for my DD, it seems like she’s just an inconvenience to his new family. She’s a lovely girl, adores her dad, wants to spend time with him. She’d never say anything to him to make him feel bad so he seems to think she prefers it at his mums and is happy with it & there’s nothing wrong with the set up. I’ve no objection to her being there sometimes but I never expected it to be ever night.

I told him I think he’s letting her down & his priorities are all wrong, that I don’t understand the decision to have more children when he hasn’t got space for existing ones. I know that was overstepping, but I’m so sad & angry at the way I see her being let down by him. Yet he seems to think I’m the one with unrealistic expectations.

so, AIBU? Any advice on how to handle? Or is he right and it’s none of my business?

thanks

YANBU and is shitty parenting but it’s out of your control really so all you can do is focus on her yourself and let him make his own mess of a relationship with her.

Can you take her to the event?

He’s shit. You can’t pick and choose your kids

That's rubbish of him but there's not much you can do really. At least DD has you.

I can’t unfortunately, it’s his weekend and we’re going on holiday just after so he won’t agree to me having her.

I am taking her to a similar thing same distance away on one of my weekends soon so I’m not asking him to do anything I wouldn’t do myself.

Does he have to agree it? What's the worst he is going to do? Take you to court and have to explain why he doesn't provide a home for his own child?

He's broken the original agreement about ensuring he would maintain her clubs/activities on his time so don't let your daughter miss out just because of an old agreement.

Unless contact is court ordered you don't really need him to agree 🤷🏼‍♀️

Which works both ways.

How would OP feel if he decides to just keep her DD for a while.

As your dd is 12, a judge would consider her capable of making a choice about contact but it sounds like she would say that she's fine with the status quo so your hands are tied.

I think it was ok to point out what you did. I wouldn’t make a habit of it. But why he makes his issues your daughters is beyond me - I can only assume he can’t afford to move

it may be that he knows his mother loves to have your daughter

however it’s highly unlikely you’ll change him so therefore pick your battles carefully and focus on the things you can change

I don’t really want to throw a grenade in to the relationship if I don’t have to, missing one isn’t the end of the world but the precedent it sets worries me.

it’s just too much on top of the no room thing.

I think he’s got his head buried in the sand. He thinks he can’t just magic up the money for a bigger house, I think if he didn’t have a new car and 2 holidays this year it be a step in right direction.

What I will say, is that I have SC and my own DC, and a shared DC and some weekends we simply can't accommodate everything, if there's more than one child to think about. Not defending him as obviously there are other issues surrounding sleeping arrangements there but he is also quite right to consider the other children at the weekend.

Me and my DH are a family unit with all the children, so everyone is considered when plans and commitments are made. I'm assuming when the original agreement was made, he didn't have the other two children around, but things do change. There was a thread on the Step-parenting board just week about accommodating activities etc and most people thought there should be no requirement for the other parent to agree to activities on their weekend. (I don't necessarily agree, we do everything to make sure everyone is happy and catered for but sometimes it's not possible because other DC have stuff on or we have made other plans for our weekend).

We are also taking our shared DC away on holiday in term time - without any of the others. They get it, plus they get holidays with their other parents. DC wouldn't get any holiday as we simply can't afford to go with everyone this year.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd keep focused on what you are doing - providing for your DD and getting her to the activities and hobbies she wants to. Outside of that it's out of your control - for now anyway, until she decides for herself where she wants to spend her time.

Sorry op been there n my experience I don't think it will ever get better, it won't ever change.
The only thing you can do is decide what to do moving forward.
What does your DD want to do? Does she want to go to the activity? If so can you communicate this with her dad? If he refuses then he can tell his daughter why, or just don't give him a choice, tell him you will pick her up at x time.
If she doesn't then you go with her wishes.

This will continue though so I'd look at this through a long term lens.

So many of these deadbeat dads who are so blind to their own monumental failings.

I'd have a gentle chat with your DD and let her know that she's old enough now to start deciding what she wants her relationship with her dad to look like.

If she wants to go to the event, it's her decision. If she wants to stop sleeping so much at her grandmother's house, also her decision.

She's getting to the age where she has some agency and can start setting her own boundaries and making these decisions for herself. Any court would consider her old enough that her views on contact would be given significant weight.

I'd also claim CMS/ask her dad to pay the right amount. The extra saved in a savings account would be a very useful amount for her when it comes to uni/moving out costs in 6 or so years time.

If my experience is anything to go by (pretty much same as yours but we were never together - he went on to have two more DC and my DS1 was consigned to the sofa, never taken on trips or holidays and slowly edged out) your DC will show their absent parents exactly what they think of them OP.

As they grow up they start to realise how little their parent has done for them in terms of actual parenting and face to face time spent. My DS1 doesn't really have much to do with his Dad now as he is 19 and off at university. He sees him twice a year. He bears no ill will towards him but is quite apathetic about him. I feel sad for DS1 but he doesn't seem at all damaged and has a realistic grip on the situation. I kept my thoughts about the hands off parenting to myself and DS can never say I have alienated him from his DF. I focussed on parenting DS1 fiercely in order to fill the gap and I now feel the only person who has lost out is actually his DF. DS1 is very talented and has had some success - his DF feels edged out now and that DS doesn't involve him in his life or success but the responsibility to bear that lies with him. You get out what you put in with everything in life and it must be terrible to realise that you haven't managed the most important relationship of your life well.

Well yeah it goes both ways, its whether OP thinks the dad would do it or not 🤷🏼‍♀️

Child is 12, so of they wanted could just leave their dads and go home, its not like they are a small baby

Thanks everyone, definitely food for thought.

I haven’t done the CMS thing as he’s self employed so I fully expect he’d manage to just get out of paying anything. It’s not that I need the money, more the principle that he should have some responsibilities and be accountable.

the hobby falling on his weekend maybe happens 4 times a year at most- and only one of those requires an overnight/really early start. The rest, including her training for hobby are all on my time.

not being able to go overnight because of the baby definitely stuck in my throat when they’ll both be a 7hr flight away for a long weekend soon.

I think you’re all right though, I need to just focus on what I can control despite the unfairness of it all. He’s proper Disney dad when he does see her and I just think he doesn’t have a clue.