Is my lack of intimacy causing me to be unhappy or severely depressed?

[DuchessDelight]

We have been married for five years, and lately, my lack of interest in physical intimacy has become a sore point between us. I have sought advice in the past, but unfortunately, the situation has not improved.

The truth is, I have zero desire to engage in any form of physical affection with my DH, not even a simple kiss. I can hardly remember the last time we even kissed, apart from the quick peck goodbye as he leaves for work. We don't even touch in bed anymore; we each go our separate ways. I used to have the perfect excuse when I was pregnant, but now that our little one is 8 months old, my partner reminds me of how we were before we had our baby. He keeps pointing out that men have needs, but what about women and our wants—or lack thereof in my case?

I remember when we were happy once, but my partner has become very defensive and aggressive, consuming everything and using swear words in every sentence he speaks. He's never hit me, but I think the problem is that I now worry that our child will grow up like him. I know I should have thought about this before we had a baby, but I honestly thought he would be the perfect dad, and as my priorities have changed, I thought his would too. I want the best for our child, and things that were acceptable then are not anymore, and I think this is leading to the lack of attraction.

We bicker all the time; he snaps, so I snap, and vice versa; this then leads me to not wanting him anywhere near me. Why do men think they can upset women and then expect us to want to jump into bed with them?

I keep dreaming about my ex and wonder what things would have been like, but deep down, I know it's just because I am unhappy at the moment. You always remember the good times and not the bad.

I do love my partner, but he irritates me greatly. I have tried to be spontaneous and plan a night of passion, but when the time comes, I would rather go to sleep. This is not right, and it's not fair to him, and I know I am pushing him away. I am unsure of what to do. I have heard that physical intimacy can disappear for a while after having a baby, but how long can this go on before I lose him?

I apologise for the length of this; I just need some advice.

my partner has become very defensive and aggressive, consuming everything and using swear words in every sentence he speaks. He's never hit me, but I think the problem is that I now worry that our child will grow up like him.

Not surprised you don't want to shag him.

Having a child shows you where you and your partner differ greatly. Most people don't think of many things before committing to someone unfortunately, but once you have a child you'll soon discover.

It sounds like now you're aware of where you're dissimilar you're hyper-focused on your incompatibility which is inadvertently breaking down the relationship. It doesn't sound like has changed recently, or that you are perfect either.

Perhaps consider if this the right life partner for you and then make a decision. Otherwise I think it's counterproductive to inadvertently self-sabotage the relationship and paint your partner as a villain when everything you have posted suggests you are the one that has changed.

Good luck

No, he wasn't always snappy. I've noticed a gradual increase in his irritability and anger over trivial matters. which further pushed me away from him.

A male friend of mine who was very happily married had a dry spell when his wife went through menopause. Although intellectually he understood what the reason was emotionally he was very hurt by it. He felt unloved and rejected as a whole person if that makes sense.

Would you say he got worse since intimacy stopped or did the intimacy stop because he got worse? Obviously it's normal not to have sex in the weeks/months before and after birth but to not want to touch at all is a major problem.

PS: I assume you've already wondered whether it could be PND?

"Men have needs".

Those 3 words tell you everything you need to know about how he feels about you and how he just doesn't give a 💩 about your needs. I'd be telling him to get ta fuck!

If he's aggressive all the time, be careful! Would you consider leaving?

Well it's very unfair to unilaterally remove sex from a relationship so you do need to address this. Have you actually sat down with him and told him how you feel/asked how he feels? Do you actually want to continue your relationship with him as it doesn't really sound like it.

OP, it seems fairly clear to me that he is very unhappy because you have withdrawn all intimacy from your relationship.

You do still have a young baby, are you still breastfeeding? This can significantly impact your libido and having a little one needing you all the time can make you feel "touched out". I think that this not an unreasonable way to feel at this stage, but how has this been discussed? I also know of quite a few women who, after giving birth had a very low threshold for irritation with their partners - again, potential normal, but it needs managing and discussing.

It sounds like your communication on both sides isn't great and you've got yourselves into a defensive style of communication that just leads to arguments. If this carries on it will drive you apart as it will lead to more and more arguments, resentment and contempt.

Have you had any relationship counselling, so that you can both express your feelings and try to help each other to better understand your perspectives?

He’d be being a dick if this was just over sex. But you say yourself you’ve removed any kind of affection or intimacy, right through from sex to kissing to hugs to even affectionate touching in bed. We all need human contact and affection and, in a monogamous relationship where you’ve presumably agreed neither of you can get that elsewhere, that’s rough for anyone.

You really need to thrash this one out (verbally). Preferably in a safe, counselling situation, but if you're both relatively mature you might be able to do it on your own. These things are resolvable but it'll be difficult. There's going to be pain and annoyance on both sides and it all needs to come out and be addressed.

This!