To have had a baby so close to menopause?

[CrescentCrone]

After years of infertility, failed IVF, losses and so on I finally had my only child at 45. Having a child of my own had become everything to me while I struggled with infertility and I dreamed of the day I’d become a mother. The first year ther were difficulties with breast feeding, healing from my section, sleep etc but zi was so happy to finally be a mum and I really threw myself into it. I did struggle with how my body changed, I stopped colouring my hair during my pregnancy and was shocked to discover I was almost completely grey. Then after the birth my hair thinned a lot. However I managed that by gettIng a shorter cut and going blonde. Breastfeeding and lots of walking helped me lose weight and get my body to a more regular shape and after a year I felt ok about myself I’d lost a lot of weight and was actually thinner than before the pregnancy. At that point the future seemed really rosy.

I was also hoping that I might fall pregnant with a second child and we kept trying for another two years. Looking back I can see that I went from pregnancy and breastfeeding to being menopausal quite quickly but I stuck my head in the sand for a long time over that. Things might have been better for me if I’d sought help like hrt sooner.

Obviously when they are small it can be tough I was also working full time after a year’s maternity. At that time we were still living in our city flat where we had been for 12 years. It was in a lovely cool neighbourhood and we had hoped to buy a house close by but by the time we started looking still with an eye to another child we realised that we couldn’t afford to buy in that area and in’s started looking further and further out. We did everything buy in a much cheaper area and as a result I pretty much lost my whole cohort of mum friends. Where I had been living older mums were the norm but in my new area I was at 49 decades older than most of the other mums. People were nice but friendship groups were already established and I just didn’t fit in. I did and do still have older friends from university but no local friends the old ones from my old area are just Facebook friends these days.

I think the isolation I felt along with the lockdown that came in 2020 I began to feel quite depressed I also felt like I wasn’t really feeling that maternal anymore. My husband of 20 years who had been the driving force behind wanting children at least initially, who had old me repeatedly that having kids was all he wanted, that it was the one thing that would make him happy and who had at first been a very involved father started to withdraw, saying he felt unfulfilled, that he needed to find himself, to be more than a parent and a wage slave, I wanted to scream “How do you think I feel”!!!

He was and is a good dad but it was obvious that parenthood hadn’t magically made him happy or brought everything else in his life into focus as he used to always say it would. I always was and am grateful for my child and they are very much loved but I do struggle with what I’ve lost. I aged very rapidly after the birth, my initial weight loss just seemed to keep on going and it turned out I was losing muscle mass and bone due to my hormones falling off a cliff. My face became really hollow and I went from always looking younger than my age to looking much older. I also developed sagging skin, wrinkles and pigmentation that nothing seems to shift. I look like my daughter’s grandmother and I suppose I could be. I didn’t go on hrt until late last year finally admitting that I was at that stage but I think much of the damage has been done. A same age friend of mine went on hrt at 43 as soon as she had perimenopause symptoms and looks 35. I don’t remember this but she says she told me about it at the time but I wasn’t interested as I was still trying to have a baby and words like menopause were taboo to me. I do wonder if I’d not have aged so badly, have had more energy, better mood if I had started on hrt earlier? I feel quite envious of women my age who haven’t become decrepit overnight like me.

I’m still with my husband but we aren’t intimate anymore, I no longer feel sexy, I have no interest and between work and childcare we both just try to carve out a little time for ourselves, we’re still a family though. We’ve both had bereavements over the past few years and suddenly life feels very finite and my initial optimism is no longer there. I still have so many things I want to do but no energy for them and I’ll be in my 60s by the time my child hits even young adulthood and I am already running on empty, the exhaustion is unreal.

I think my daughter is beginning to notice that I’m different from the other mums and she always tells me that so and so’s mum is only 28 or that her friends mum is “so pretty”. I know she doesn’t mean to hurt me but I just feel shit for being old. I can’t do social media these days as it also just makes me feel bad. I love my daughter but just seem to feel bad all the time these days but I can’t wave a magic wand and be 32 again.

I wouldn’t go back and change it but I do think I was unreasonable or at least naive to have a child so close to menopause. It’s not something I’d be recommending to my own daughter.

You do realise that most of your post is about your looks.

I think you need to look at why you put so much stock into what you look like, being so important.

The constant critiquing of how you look is not going to improve your situation at all.

You're acting so old before you're even old!

You've put yourself into a box 'I'm old, there's nothing down for me'. Even down to thinking your daughter is bothered.

You are the person she loves most in the world. She doesn't care what you look like.

You can get the spark back in your marriage of you want to, but you need to work on your self-esteem.

Your age isn't the barrier to you making friends. Your confidence is the issue.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't mean it to.

I think looks are part of it, I was good looking and that did matter to me and my well being. I think the looks just symbolise the menopause to me and what that has meant for me as well as the grief of the past few years.

I think you need to see the glass as half full. You are so lucky to have a much loved child after years of trying. You were always going to age anyway, whether you had her or not. I'm a few years younger but pregnant with a much wanted second baby. I could be negative and be sad at an eight year gap between kids (I had secondary infertility for 8 years - no idea why). But instead, I'm just delighted. I'm sure I'll age quickly afterwards, but I don't care. You've got to embrace the positives.

Op what age is your daughter? I ask as I had 3 dcs between 28-33 and I had particularly bad sleepers in two of my dcs , I was always slim but lost even more weight when bf , I looked so so haggard, when I see pictures of myself from then I my face is grey , lined and my eyes were hanging out of my head, I wasn’t getting much sleep and it went on years , my toddlers were also full.on , bags of energy but also constantly woke 🤷🏻‍♀️I adored them but I was run absolutely ragged and apart from my dh had no support around me.
I’m not dismissing the reality of menopause but are you sure it’s all on this? Have you checked your bloods , I was severely anemic (this is known to think hair and make skin very grey /pale also). It sounds like your a little low, our looks fade in some ways but often if you feel good inside it will show. Do u do any exercise, lots of cardio can help plump up the skin and give a glow and also boost mood, if not cardio , walks out in the fresh air, I do face masks (tk max have great selections) a few times a week, a bath every now and then, plenty of water , self care is so important. You have a beautiful daughter and you have your health , I hope that doesn’t sound patronising but I totally get that feeling of being run down and looking haggard and feeling it’s all down hill. It isn’t , I see beautiful women in their 60’s , 70’s . What do you think could make a difference? Young dc are exhausting op no matter what age you are!

This is quite sad OP. I hope you can come to terms with it and find an enjoyable post menopause life. (FWIW I'm childless and still find menopause knackering and joy sucking)

I think change is hard and you had a couple of big identity shifts merge in to eachother. From young ish free woman to mother to menopausal woman. You never really got yourself back after the baby and I can see how that is a lot of new identity to process. I felt this identity change make me spin and I had a baby at 32. I felt I'd gone overnight from carefree with all the opportunities I could think of to an unmarried mother who'd reduced all of her options. So I can imagine that to have had a baby at 45 feeling still young and free and then to emerge from the baby haze in the menopause is a big shock! I 'm not surprised you're reeling and trying to find yourself. But you're only 49. I'm 52 and I'm not on any hrt so not everybdoy is. It's not a magic potion. It doesn't make people look younger (necessarily). I mean, it might, a bit, but very little cos we're all going to age anyway.

Look in to self compassion and also remember that women are allowed to age and there are elements to ageing that are actually ok. Make a list of what you want to do next, and cross out the things that your age would prevent you from doing. I bet the second list is as long as the first list.

Well my personal cut off was 40, but that’s easy for me to say as I had DC at 36 and never wanted a second.

Perhaps if I’d taken years to conceive (I took 14 months) I would have kept trying & trying ….who knows.

I do think women need to be aware of the (possible) implications of becoming older mothers (and men, becoming older fathers). I have a friend due to become a first time mum at over 40 after years of failed relationships/TTC and she’s very caught up in the romantic notion of the whole thing, I do think she’s in for a huge shock when baby arrives.

Sorry to sound harsh but you could have lost your looks (I bet you haven’t though) and not had your beautiful DC. You have a lot to be thankful for. I find with looks it can be ups and downs. We change and then have to adjust to how we look and then go through a stage of thinking we look fine. So you may adjust to how you look.
Also for what’s it’s worth lots of my friends who are early 50’s have lost their mojo and sex drive and their DC are mid twenties.

It’s so hard being a woman isn’t it. There isn’t one ideal way of doing things, and it’s easy to look back and mourn the versions of your story you could’ve had (read the Midnight Library by Matt Haig, btw, it’s all about that and making peace with the route you’re on)

The grass isn’t necessarily greener I will say. I’m looking at things from the other side hence the ‘00’, and about to TTC this year. This is obviously young, younger than a high number of people would want to be. Haven’t shared the choice with my friends but I daresay I’ll stick out like a sore thumb and not necessarily in a good way. We’re ready though and hopefully this way we’ll be done before 30 and DC will have moved out by the time we are your age. It’s right for us, we are ready and excited. However that’s not necessarily optimum - I should imagine you feel quite old to be declaring you have an empty nest again in your 40s.

I think there’s so many benefits to being an older parent. You have the joy of your lovely DC but all the benefit of more life experience, so patience, confidence, understanding, often more money! You have taken time to really get to know yourself before having your DD so you are surely in the most secure place having her and had so many relaxing child free years to do whatever you wanted. You have more life experience to give her now. When in early 60s you might be nearer to retiring so would have more time to go on some fantastic trips with DD (if that’s your thing) and see the world, go on spa days etc. You sound like a wonderful mum, easy to decipher that as you are so worried about what it means for your daughter.

20s, 30s, 40s, there will always be some kind of drawback to having kids at that age. FTMs are becoming older by trend so you will be closer to the norm in years to come. Someone always has an opinion and you can’t win them all, nor can you turn back time and do it differently. All your DD will care about is that she is loved, children don’t see age as much as we think they do. Whoops sorry for the essay!

I think older mums put more pressure on themselves to get it all exactly right, maybe because they know they probably won’t be doing it again, or because they’re inherent perfectionists who have waited for the ‘exact right time’ to do everything.

I have to be honest and say all the 40+ first time mums I know have aged rapidly, much as you describe OP. It must be such a shock to go from over 20 years of pleasing yourself, lie ins, holidays etc to motherhood.

That said you are where you are and yours need to make the best of it for your daughter - I would start with a health MOT and a diet overhaul, lots of good fats and iron.

It must be such a shock to go from over 20 years of pleasing yourself, lie ins, holidays etc to motherhood That’s true, us younger mums probably just look Knackered earlier.

This is very sad reading. Pp staying the benefits of being an older not old but older mother is right. Can you ask a friend or pay for a little more child care so you can have time to yourself to read or go to the gym or just to do nothing? I’d love to have a child now (I’m 28) but my life is too hectic, health not stable enough and my mental health is in the gutter atm. You are lucky to have your gorgeous girl and all she gives you.

I had my first at 27 and breastfeeding totally sucked the life out of me - gaunt face, saggy spaniel ear boobs, really thin and couldn't put on weight etc
My youngest is now 12, I'm menopausal but my figure and skin are much better than they were for the first few years post kids
I suppose what I'm trying to say is maybe childbirth/breastfeeding has had more of an impact than you think and it may improve

The grass is always greener OP. You might not have pursued motherhood and be feeling just as old/over the hill/unattractive right now, and also have the regret of not experienced parenthood.

I’d bet it was the menopause causing this more than your DD. It’s shit, to be blunt. I’m just starting down that path and I can’t believe how unlike myself it’s making me feel. I’ve now started on HRT and I feel a fair bit better. Worth looking at if you’re not on it.

I don’t have a partner at the moment but I don’t think I feel like being intimate with anyone anyway. I do have phases of feeling I would. Again, I think all this is linked to hormones.

As for looks and hair, I find spending time each morning following a little beauty routine not only reassuring but relaxing too. Yes, I look older than 20 years ago but I look ok now, after a period of looking a bit ‘not me’. Getting your hair coloured helps because it lifts your whole face. I’ve also found I have to spend a bit more time on things I never had to bother with before eg hair masks, face serums, eyebrow-shaping. I find having my routine has helped restore my confidence.

Sorry for your bereavements. Been there too. Menopause and bereavements is a crap combination that can make you think about your age and mortality a lot. I got quite down. The only way I found was not to think about it. Concentrate on the here and now.

P.S - I doubt your daughter thinks you’re old. Im sure her comments are just what children her age say, not aimed at you at all. My DC used to comment on other mums’ jobs/cars/pets/clothes a lot but just in an observational way, no judgement on me.

It’s a lot in a few years. I’m sure your appearance isn’t as bad as you think.
My perimenopause kicked in at 46 and I aged years in 6months - skin, hair, energy etc. hrt was not a miracle cure. Probably felt worse as I had recently lost a lot of weight and was feeling good prior to that. The thought of feeling like that and having a young child fills me with dread.

I don’t know if this will be helpful, but I hope it might give so perspective. My father was 50 when I was born (mum much much younger). He was a visible 50 as well, and I was his first and only child. He constantly got mistaken for my Grandad - it apparently happened all the time when he took me out when I was a baby, and I remember teachers and school friends often calling him my Grandad and then being embarrassed when I said he was my dad! I never minded, not once. But I think that was because he never minded either. He always laughed when people mistook him for my grandad, would wind up my friends or teachers if they did it, never made a deal about his age at all. I never thought it was a big deal. I just loved him as my Dad.

I bet your daughter is picking up on your own insecurities, and I completely understand that because I think ageing is very different for women (and I’ve seen that as my mother has aged), but I think it doesn’t matter. What matters is love. If you love your daughter when she’s grown up she won’t care how old you were when you had her.

I don’t think age is the biggest issue here… I think you’ve gone through monumental life changes in a very short space of time. ie pregnancy & childbirth (and the long time beforehand longing for it); menopause, moving home. Any one of those events could knock you sideways regardless of age. I completely understand how you feel isolated. I wonder if maybe you should take measures to recapture your sense of self? Do something solely for you eg join a book club or walking club? Sorry if those examples are naff - they’re what I like, but I hope you get what I mean! It’s nice to have friends of a similar age who have children of a similar age but not everyone experiences this. My situation was the opposite. I got married when I had just turned 22, was pregnant at three months of marriage. Mum at 23. My friends didn’t have their children until they were in their 30’s. I guess what I’m saying is widen your friendship circle anyway. Friends are important. Start implementing self care into your routine. The early years are hard at times but it gets better in the fullness of time.
Re Hubby: he’s gone through changes too. Set aside time for a date night, even if it’s at home. Make an effort for each other without expectations. Remind each other why you chose each other in the first place.
This is how hubby & I managed things, might not work for you, but I wish you the best on this end if things.
Re HRT: I’m 52 and was on it for a few months. My skin improved - it had become dry and irritable. However I always felt bloated, almost like a persistent pre-menstrual feeling, so I came off it again. I definitely didn’t look younger.
Re your original question… YANBU. There’s no ‘right time’. I hope you enjoy every moment with your child, and I truly hope things improve for you

This is lovely ❤️

I’m sorry to hear that you’re finding things tough at the moment. Also and older mum as had my second when 40 and then catapulted into menopause.
if it’s any consolation, I’m out the other side now, without HRT and have a little more time to look after myself: food, fitness, makeup and so on so feel better again after feeling pretty dire and unattractive. You’re in a bad place now but that doesn’t mean it’s forever. Yes, we’re all aging but there are periods when we can feel more positive and confident about ourselves and our bodies and lives in general. I have to say you sound a little depressed and this might be worth considering. I took an antidepressant during the peak menopause years and that helped enormously. You’ll pull through and feel better about yourself soon I hope

Your massively overthinking this.

We all feel lost after having children, our marriages take a hit for a while. You can bounce back from both. I'm 44 now, and had kids a bit younger than you. I'm seeing my looks fading away now. It would happen whether you had kids or not.

So what if some other mums are younger? Some will be fatter/skinnier, more shouty, some depressed, some not, some uglier, some prettier.

Stop focusing on them and start focusing on the good things in your life. Contentment is key.

I agree with PP that it is really normal to feel that having a child made you feel you'd suddenly aged visibly. My DD isn't even my biological child (she's my DP's) but I found that several years of minimal sleep took a toll. It just does.

I also think it's probably right that having IVF close to menopause does kick start the whole process. I have a friend who had her daughter aged 50, when she was menopausal (she had IVF with donor eggs), and she's pretty sure the hormonal treatment sent her body into a tailspin.

But - you know, virtually no parents with tiny children feel really sexy the way they did pre-children. It'll come back. And an awful lot of parents feel 'different' for whatever reason. I know I do. IMO the thing to do (easier said than done!) is to find your tribe. You're an older mum. Go find other older mums. Or find the single mums, the lesbian mums, the mums who did IVF. Loads of people will relate to you feeling as if you're the norm. One of the nicest people I got to know when my DD was tiny was a woman whose younger daughter has Down Syndrome - our situations are very different, but we could both relate to the experience of feeling that people notice we're not the norm, and it was lovely to be able to relate.

The thing is most women start aging rapidly after 45 - no matter when you've had children or if you have children. It's when your oestrogen levels plummet. Women often say they feel invisible after 45 as they start to look older. No offence to women over 45 - I'm 48 and think I look good but I'm definitely aging more quickly now!
You seem to be blaming your loss of looks only on having a baby. Yes kids do age us but you would likely have aged then anyway.
It almost seems like you were in denial before - assuming you could another child after 45 and not wanting to hear about the menopause. Finally it all started happening and it was a shock, because you hadn't faced up to the fact you were almost menopausal when you had your child.
I understand what you're saying and I know it's tough. I find it hard seeing my looks fade and facing up to the bodily changes. It's something we all go through and it's not easy. It's also exhausting having children to look after! Mine are 12 and 10 now. I do wish I'd had them younger but it wasn't to be. I'll definitely advise my daughter to have children earlier if possible.

I think you need to remember that women age noticeably in their 40s and especially when they become menopausal, regardless of whether they have children or what age they had them.

Would you feel better if you were going through exactly the same ageing process but hadn't had the child you wanted? Or worse?

As for your husband, lots of men want babies then get bored with the reality. Lots of men lose interest in their wives when they are in their forties and menopausal, regardless of whether they have a child or when.

Basically I think you are attributing some issues to having a child at 45 which are really just to do with your age. I say that as a women in my mid forties who also looks in the mirror and feels sad sometimes.

What a nice perspective. There is no right way to do it. You are going through some real
issues and identity shifts but it just would have been different ones at a different time. If you hadn’t had your precious daughter you would probably be going through thr menopause and mourning the chance of a child. That would have also been really tough.