How to avoid conflict over homework

[hydroxyapatite]

DS has started secondary. He's in Y7. He is a great student in class, by all accounts, but hates homework and revision. He literally slaps it out or does the bare minimum. He's smart, so it's frustrating.

I have a very strong work ethic, always worked at school, and it does my head in. I want him to do well, to have choices.

We have had several rows about it. He gets upset and moody, DH and I get upset.

Suggestions?

I'm with you over reward for completion.

It works for us but horses for courses 👍

Remove the conflict.

As long as their results and overall grades aren’t suffering I’d not push homework if it’s causing this much drama, if they get consequences for not completing it then they can deal with those at school.

Sometimes kids need to feel consequences to understand them.

Thanks all.

Food for thought. Have to do something to make it constructive and pleasant (even when hard) or next few years will be hell

The reason I suggested asking questions is because it reminded me of a friend at school. He was terrible with school work, most thought he wouldn't amount to anything and it turned out that he was incredibly bright and his work wasn't challenging him enough. He now runs his own business in the millions. So yes, I do think there's merit in asking why he doesn't like his homework, which could lead to further conversations and understanding, and therefore how to tackle the issue. Not everyone would have a sarcastic or rude response 🙄

Daughter is Y7 and hating homework. As did I and more often than not I didn’t bother doing it. OH wants her to do it as soon as she comes in, but it’d never get done that way! So we do it the night before it’s due and I sit with her whilst she does it. Because that’s how she likes to do it and how she works best. We’ve just been sitting in bed doing her maths. Works for us, I don’t make a big deal about it.

We also get involved and do it with him, if he wants. DH is especially good at this. It's more just about the acceptance that homework is now a regular part of school life

Honestly I let him fail he got a punishment at school and now he does it willingly its not perfect but it's done

As only year 7 perhaps start small and build. So 10 minutes per night, then 15 after half term. When they realise its quite quick and painless hopefully they'll settle into it. Even if my boy (yr8) rushes it I always tell him thehandwritingmusr be neat or he has to do it again. Its slows him down just enough to relax into it a bit more. I also bribe him with chocolate 😉

@ChickenDhansak82

Does he need to have a different attitude if he is getting good grades?

Maybe keep screen time for as long as his hw gets good grades and he does in his tests? maybe that's how he works best? Last minute to a deadline?

This may be controversial but my belief is that home / the bedroom is their safe space and I don't want them to feel conflicted/stressed at home about school. They have so much going on in their lives home should be the one place they can switch off and not be nagged/given targets/ultimatums.

I try and provide the framework so space, tools, time and support if need be and the it is up to them to learn how to manage themselves.

The school has consequences for poor homework and it is much better for all our state of minds that school inflict the punishments rather than me. It definitely helps lessen conflict in our house.

I did learn this the hard way, I used to have blazing rows with DS1 when he was 13, doors slamming , shouting matches, tears. Once I realised that in his world I was constantly on his back , nagging him it was a light bulb moment and as soon as I backed off and gave him space so much improved.

That said both children are pretty conscientious and motivated, so giving them space may work for them, but not all kids. So much of the success of managing homework depends in the individual child's personality and what works for one child will not work for all.

To be honest, I wouldn’t battle over it. I’d offer help/support and remind but that’s it. Leave him to it. If it’s not good enough or not done, school will deal with it and he will have to suffer the consequences. Today I’ve made 6 of my top set year 9s re-do their homework because what they handed in was was absolutely dreadful quality - rushed and just awful. If they hand in the same again they will be on after school detention. Maybe he needs to be in a bit of trouble at school to make the penny drop that this is important. Just make sure you support school with any sanctions they put in place.

Have school raised concerns over his homework? If not, I’d not worry.

"Do you really not ask your child if they've had a good day?🙄"

One day, when he is an adult, he'll work out that people who pad their emails and phone calls with all this "how are you?" BS don't care one hoot. I hope that doesn't disappoint him too much.

Also when he is an adult he will need to realise that even though no one cares one hoot it's polite to include some degree of niceties in his conversation. And actually I think the "how are you" in the workplace allows for people to preempt future work with "feeling swamped by work at the moment" type answers.

We don't ask whether DC have had a good day either. That's a closed question and will just get you the answer "yes". But we do ask how their day was (which often just gets the answer "fine" but at least allows for a broader answer) and will home in on specifics ("how are you finding Chapter 3 of English Lit text?").

Let him deal with it.
He needs to work out that his work is his responsibility. And that not doing it will have consequences. Presumably you'll be kept abreast of what's going on at parents' evening.
Whenever I get parents telling me about their kids' homework, I tell them that at secondary, all things being equal, they don't even need to know whether there is any or not. Until it's not being done. Then they find out quickly.