To feel my friend has sidelined me

[devondino]

My friend and I are mid 20s, we met at uni. We have always been close and get on well.

After graduating I temporarily moved back in with my family until I could move out. Last spring my friend and I decided we would rent somewhere together. We were both looking forward to this and for me it was especially important because of difficulties living in my family home that were impacting my mental health.

My friend's then current rental contract was due to end in the middle of September, so she needed to find somewhere new before then. However, she was finishing her Masters and only received a confirmed graduate job offer in late June so didn't feel she could totally commit to looking in earnest until after that, although we had been looking at properties online since March/April.

During the summer my friend and I viewed several properties together and applied to rent them. Demand is high in the areas we were looking and we weren't immediately successful securing somewhere to live. In August, knowing that my friend's master's dissertation deadline was coming up in early September, I offered to view and jointly apply for properties on her behalf. At this point my friend informed me that she had decided just to rent a room for herself as we hadn't found a flat or house yet and she was worried she was going to end up with nowhere to live. I was disappointed and a bit hurt but told her I understood, because I knew she had a lot on her plate with her dissertation and starting a new job. I had planned to address it with her after her dissertation submission, but around that time her relationship ended so she was naturally very sad about that and I didn't feel I could add to her worries by telling her I felt upset about the house situation. So it sort of got brushed under the carpet and she rented a room in a shared house with 4 other girls who she didn't know. I have been to her house a few times and it stung the first few times because it jarred with the hopes I'd had for living together. I currently still live at home with my family while I save the additional money to move out on my own.

Then recently (since just before Christmas) my friend and I have been planning a weekend away about an hour's drive away. I have been really looking forward to it as my mental health hasn't been great recently and it would be a pretty chilled fun weekend; we planned to read, go for walks and cook nice food together. We met up last weekend and during this time decided on a weekend that suited us both at the end of March, selected an airbnb but hadn't booked it yet. I messaged her on Tuesday to say that we should book it soon, and she agreed and suggested we do it the following evening. I didn't hear from her on Wednesday, but she messaged me on Thursday morning apologising that she had got caught up in the course she's doing for her job. She asked if we could finalise our trip this weekend instead. I agreed and decided to be assertive by saying I had time on either Friday evening or Sunday afternoon. She didn't reply but heart reacted the message. I hadn't heard anything from her by this afternoon so I texted her to ask when would suit her to sort it. She replied an hour later saying she thinks she needs to reconsider booking the weekend away because she had underestimated the commitment needed to do her course, as well as work and her other regular commitments.

AIBU to feel hurt? I also work, and do a significant amount of volunteering, and have weekly counselling as well as family and friend commitments. I was willing to prioritise spending time with my friend. I know she doesn't mean to (she is caring and kind) but I feel a bit like I am an afterthought in her plans; both in the house situation and the holiday. It's like she has good intentions and wants to do these things with me, but when push comes to shove she realises she can't do it for whatever reason and just sorts herself out and I'm left in the cold. She just expects me to deal with it; she never apologised about the house scenario and although she did say today she was sorry to have to say she needed to reconsider the weekend away, she wasn't particularly apologetic. I'm just expected to be fine with it. I also feel like I make all the effort to see her; she is keen to meet up and we both enjoy spending time together, but she can't drive and so I always end up driving the 20 minutes to see her. She could get the direct train or bus to come to my town but she never suggests it and when she has come on a handful of occasions in the past, she's always talked about it as if it's a big adventure or day trip.

AIBU or am I being oversensitive? I don't think she has any idea I feel like this. I don't know whether I would be justified in saying something to her, and if so, what to say. I don't want to cause a big argument with her by landing it all on her but I don't want to be a doormat either. I feel like I'm doing everything to accommodate her atm and there isn't much give from her end to help support me as she's so caught up in her own world.

You're not being unreasonable to be upset, but I personally wouldn't say anything at the moment. Your friend sounds like she's got a lot on her plate right now and she's obviously underestimated her work load.

Will her studies etc settle down? Just because she hasn't sent a long-winded apology doesn't mean that she doesn't care imo. X

It sounds like she has a lot on her plate, and her plans with you haven't come off, inspite of her intentions, just because that is how life works out. You didnt find a place to rent together, and she now finds she has got too much on to go away for a weekend, thats just life. I think you are taking it too personally

I personally wouldn’t say anything but I would definitely drop the rope with her. I’d be bright & breezy but let her do all the running from now on; she can make the effort with organising / planning / travelling if she’d like to see you.

That’s just life….find another friend to go away with

I think it sounds like she just has a busier, or perhaps more mentally challenging life than you, so perhaps with all that she's got going on, she doesn't think things through as well as she might. I don't think I'd take it personally, but perhaps don't rely on her coming through for you, if you make plans. You can maybe make her aware of this, by saying something along the lines of, 'before you commit to this idea, do you want to take some time to think it through properly, and check that you don't have any other commitments that might get in the way?' If she asks why, or tries to just brush it off as being unnecessary, then I might say, 'well when we've made plans before, I've ended up feeling disappointed as you had to cancel, so just think it might be better if you take time to think it through before we make definite plans'.

Surprised at responses here, especially ones being slightly unpleasant about her having a 'busier life than you'
I've been in a similar.situation.

If you value her friendship, sit her down and talk to her about it. You will know by her response if this is one worth saving OP. YANBU at all

I can see why you're disappointed with both the house and holiday situations. With regards to the holiday it is better she tells you now rather than later on in the day when you may be in the situation of losing deposits if she can't make it.
It sounds like your lives are at different paths and that's neither of your faults. I think if you value your friendship, I would still maintain your friendship but understand it might be like this for a while and accept she might not be able to commit to things as freely.

I think you need to be more tolerant and understanding of HER mental health. She hasn't actually done anything wrong - you couldn't find a place to rent and she needed somewhere so she had to act. You talked about a weekend away before she realised how busy she would be. Both of these thing probably caused HER huge anxiety.

Flip it round: what did you want her to do about the house? Did you want her to go on the trip even if it caused her stress? Right now her mental load is maybe a bit more than she can handle. You seem to expect her to be apologising to you - but what for exactly? She can't make the holiday now, not a big deal, you hadn't booked yet and you only just thought about going. For the house? Why does she owe you an apology for an out of control rental market and needing to find a room in a house quickly for her course. You're loading two really simple situations with emotive language like 'I'm left out in the cold'.

Look - you are mid 20s. You are still in the sliiiightly narcissistic phase where your own feelings feel way more important and empathy isn't fully developed. We have all been there. But fundamentally the best adult friendships flourish in a zone of acceptance, otherwise she may find you cause her too much anxiety and actually, really sideline you. I mean this kindly: it isn't all about you. Friendships move and sway, sometimes you are the giver and sometimes you are the taker. That's life.

Wow. You've managed to make pretty much every last sentence of that post up into nothing that resembles the OP in any form at all.

You need to stop making everything so convenient for her.

Because you always drive to her and make the plans, she sees it as almost your job to facilitate these things.

Don’t make plans with her now, wait for her to get in touch.

When she suggests meeting up, tell her that you’d like to meet in your town so she will need to come to you.

You know she is flaky so don’t place importance on her attendance. Keep things light and focus on friend who don’t treat you like an option.

This, 100%

I’d stay friendly, but boost other aspects of your social life. At the moment, she can’t be the friend you want. Whether or not she ever will be, time will tell.

I tend to agree with a reasonable amount of this. She had weeks, a month(?) to find somewhere to live - whereas, even if it was your parents, you had somewhere. She took action to fix her own immediate issue. The weekend away is a bit different and maybe that’s just different styles. I really resent people hounding me on things like that (and I know IABU, most people plan far in advance and I have a million other things to organise so it’s just not at the top of the list). Maybe you need to give her space to deal.