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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husbands severely depressed and I don’t know what to do.

28 replies

SippeeCup · 15/01/2023 10:27

He spent most of yesterday crying in bed and today he won’t get up or talk to me.

Hes changed jobs recently which he hates, he’s drinking every night. He’s so stressed about money all the time. We have 2 young children.

He’s a type 1 diabetic and doesn’t look after himself. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t clean his teeth anymore.

He won’t speak to anyone so I’m going to try and go above his head and make a gp appointment for him.

Im just so sad. I love him so much and he’s usually the life and soul of everything but now he won’t even look at us. I’m so worried about him.

OP posts:

TheCunningLinguist · 15/01/2023 10:31

Not a huge amount of practical advice - but I wanted to give you a hug, sounds so worrying.

Get the doctor to sign him off work & he could use the time to look for a new job?

GotAnyGrapez · 15/01/2023 10:33

Time for him to be signed off work, get the mental health crisis team involved.

What else is causing his depression? Is he family aware are they supporting you both?

Happin · 15/01/2023 10:35

He needs time off work to get himself right. Sorry you're going through this x

Original poster

SippeeCup · 15/01/2023 10:38

He won’t take time off as he’s so worried about money, the new job is lower pay.

His family are lovely but they’re not talkers. Another reason he is the way he is I think. They don’t talk about feelings, there’s no affection. His mum fist bumps us ffs, no hugs or kisses or anything.

OP posts:

rumred · 15/01/2023 10:44

Sounds really hard for you, depression is crippling.

Would he read a book? There's lots of self help stuff around. Also I filled in a quiz online years ago that helped me accept I needed to get support. Just wondered if a different approach may work for him

Happin · 15/01/2023 10:47

The drink will be making him feel 100 times worse. My DH's family aren't huggers etc, but they would absolutely be there in a shot if they knew he was feeling low like this. Maybe speak to them and tell them how worried you are. If more people know and try to speak to him he might listen.

Tiggy321 · 15/01/2023 10:51

Sorry to hear this. My DH is also depressed- started on meds just before Christmas. He's pretty unavailable but is at least out of bed etc. Unemployed tho (hence depression). It's very hard to know how to support someone with depression. If you can persuade him to see a dr that would be a good first step. And surely he's not going to be able to do his job well if he's so depressed? I wish you all strength to get the help he needs.

Original poster

SippeeCup · 15/01/2023 10:53

His family are aware. His brother is being helpful but he has a baby due any day so I don’t want to bother him too much.

OP posts:

Dogsarebetterthanhumans · 15/01/2023 10:53

I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but just to reassure you that his behaviour is completely normal for someone suffering from severe depression. I don’t know how to put this tremendously eloquently but please don’t worry that he has some strange, extra-deadly or untreatable version of it and that he will never get better. People can and do come out of it, including myself. He is behaving as expected for someone with his diagnosis, and there is no moral judgement attached to that, and you shouldn’t encounter any.

Sometimes we do need to have time off work even though we don’t want to and if he hates the job and it’s making him miserable he is going to have to look for a new one sooner or later anyhow.

Is he currently on medication as that would probably be the GP’s first step. Usually the Crisis Team wouldn’t be engaged right now but it depends on your area/Trust. Perhaps the Home Treatment team.

If he is not eating, at the very least he has to be drinking so keep taking drinks to him. Think about what he likes to drink in terms of soft drinks and get those in to tempt him.

Do make the GP appt; it may have to be a phone one if he cannot currently get out of bed but that’s fine; they should be used to that.

Wishing you all the best xx

pictoosh · 15/01/2023 10:57

Has he seen a doctor?

Original poster

SippeeCup · 15/01/2023 10:59

I know how to manage depression, I myself have bipolar disorder and work in mental health. It’s just for me, I’m very proactive at getting help when I’m unwell where as my husband refuses which is where I’m struggling. He won’t talk to anyone, he won’t phone a doctor. He won’t take medication.

OP posts:

Onnabugeisha · 15/01/2023 10:59

You might want to call 111 and tell them he is having a mental health crisis tbh.
He sounds too far gone for the GP route. He needs a crisis team to do a home visit imho.

Money is a serious worry, my DH suffers from chronic depression and the last severe episode he had was during the pandemic when he lost his job and being an immigrant we couldn’t get UC, only the £78/week of new style JSA. We went a bit into debt then.

But thing is his health has to come before money even if it means food banks and charity from the community. So, you need to reassure him about taking time off work…he will be signed off sick so there is at least statutory sick pay.

Then while signed off, he could look at applying for different jobs as there is no point working in a toxic environment that makes you want to give up on life.

romdowa · 15/01/2023 11:03

As bad as depression is. Drinking , not eating and being a type 1 diabetic is quite serious. He could end up in a bad hypo or with key tones and end up very very unwell. Do you know what signs to look for? Is he even monitoring his blood sugars?

Onnabugeisha · 15/01/2023 11:06

romdowa · 15/01/2023 11:03

Agree this is very serious and it is actually a form of self-harm to drink alcohol and not eat all while knowing with his type 1 diabetes it could be life threatening. If you call 111 OP, make sure they know this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/01/2023 11:07

If he's T1 and drinking, he's in more danger than simply from depression itself, as his bloods are going to be horrendous. He needs urgent assessment to ensure he isn't in DKA, which can be a life threatening medical emergency.

Notimeforaname · 15/01/2023 11:08

I'm sorry you and your husband are having such a difficult time op.
For his money worries , are they justified, are you in a bad place financially? Could you pick up a few hours to help any way there ?

All you can do is gather the information for him op.
Find out if he does get signed off, how much money you would miss out on and how yiu can budget for that..

If the sorting of money and bills falls on him try to take over all accounts yourself so he doesn't have the pressure of looking all the time.
You can make a gp appointment for him and try to convince him to go but apart from that all you can do is pick up the slack since he is not able. I hope he speaks to someone soon op.

Also for his brother, even if he has a lot on, tell him what's going on. Same for his mother, even if she hasn't got much to say, tell her the reality of her sons life.

Even if they dont do much, the more people who know, the better.

Notimeforaname · 15/01/2023 11:10

If he doesn't want to be signed off does that mean he will get up for work tomorrow? Will he go in unwashed and without his teeth brushed? If so, it probably won't take long for people to notice and someone in work will approach him about it too.

mummy182822828 · 15/01/2023 11:12

Call 101 and get him assessed try and persuade him to go to the gp and go on anti depressants or talking therapy and tell him that your always going to be there for him

User4775433 · 15/01/2023 11:17

Depression is relatively common for people with type 1 diabetes, (It was one of the many things I learned when my DD was diagnosed). I was always on the look out for signs and got her into counselling as a teenager. which she has sporadically kept up for the last two decades. The problem (as you know) is the depression can negatively affect the diabetes and the diabetes can negatively affect the depression - which is a spiral that can be hard to extricate yourself from.

I feel for you, and him. His not eating is as much a worry as the drinking and neither will be helping his mental health. Does he have a freestyle libre? can you check what is going on with him using the app? He needs help from his GP (or preferably consultant if they are any good - GPs are rubbish when it comes to type 1 ime). Does he have a diabetic clinic he attends? He needs to ask for a referral for mental health support however he can. My DDs consultant has been a massive help with all aspects of type 1 diabetes but I have no doubt this isn't the norm.

Original poster

SippeeCup · 15/01/2023 11:17

He works alone so no one will see him.
I just don’t want to wake up next to a dead body. I want to be there for him like he was there for me when I was unwell but I don’t know how much more of this I can cope with. I don’t want my kids coming down to the kitchen in the mornings to beer cans all over the side.

OP posts:

Mischance · 15/01/2023 11:22

My OH had this. I spoke to his GP behind his back - and, as my OH was also a GP in the same practice it was very difficult. But in the end he went onto treatment - he was a new man afterwards - but after a while refused to continue with it. He never went down as far as he had been, but had to live with the underlying depression and anxiety for the rest of his life. As did I.

burnedout · 15/01/2023 11:26

If he is a 'coper' who always manages (and/or an overachiever type) then I highly recommend Tim Cantopher's Depressive Illness: the Curse of the Strong.

It's a short book that explains how depression happens in a very practical way that might de-stigmatise it for your husband. He has a couple of short YouTube videos too.

Good luck. It's extremely tough for you, but if he wasn't always like this then there's a really good chance you will get the old him back again. Like a physical injury, you/he needs to take the time to let it heal, and try not to put too much weight on the injury while he is healing.

I was in a similar position to him, and it does get better I promise.

burnedout · 15/01/2023 11:36

Don't give him this whole to-do list now or you will overwhelm him (he can't do much of anything right now) but in time: therapy (CBT in my case), meditation/mindfulness audios, fresh air, green space, less alcohol and eventually none, medication (SSRIs and anti-anxiety), exercise.

The one mantra I came back to most in my most anxious times was: "not happening now", ie whatever bad thing I'm anxious about, right now I'm safe and warm in bed (or wherever), I don't need to be in n fight-or-flight.

Original poster

SippeeCup · 15/01/2023 11:57

He won’t do any of that. Honestly I think our marriage might be over.

OP posts:

VioletLemon · 15/01/2023 12:02

Maybe he needs referred to the crisis MH team, in my area they are absolutely fantastic and have provided us with support on a few ocassions. It was pretty much an instant referral via GP. This led to visits over a couple of weeks, medication and a full assessment which uncovered undiagnosed illness. If the type 1 diabetes is being poorly managed it will be a vicious circle. I'm not sure where you start but he sounds in crisis. Can you access any support, counselling for yourself. Perhaps a professional could help advise on how best to move forward. Does either of you have OH department at work, getting referral that way is usually faster than NHS waiting list for counselling. There is a way forward, sending you hope 💐.

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