To not let him move in with us

11 replies

skyrus1 · 15/01/2023 01:42

I've posted a few times about my concerns with DS’s (autistic and 17) relationship with his BF. my main concerns were bf seems to be controlling and DS isn't like a NT 17yo.

DS stayed with bf for a few days a few months ago but came home and I sort of gave in and started letting BF stay over etc. DS also agreed with me re the importance of condoms so that issue was resolved. They then broke up as BF cheated on DS again (for the 2nd time). BF did his usual apology but DS had said he didn't want to talk to him, bf then bought DS something and they got back together (I assume DS felt guilty that he'd spent money on him).

BF has now had an argument with his mum (no idea what about) and is staying with a friend, DS has asked if BF can stay with us. I said no but compromised by saying he could stay tonight.

I Know he'll ask again tomorrow and I'm wondering if I am BU as I don't want to push DS away again. Should I allow it so DS doesn't end up leaving again?

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 15/01/2023 01:47

No, dont let him move in. The whole relationship sounds unstable so what would happen if they split a week later (which seems entirly possible). Your DS needs a safe space away from him, and thats your home.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/01/2023 02:06

Your ds is too young to have to deal with a cohabiting relationship. He needs a safe place to live and to be able to end his relationship at any time without the pressure of knowing he is making someone homeless.

PartySock · 15/01/2023 02:36

I wouldn't.
Is BF under 18? If so, the council have a priority to house him if he has nowhere else to go, so I'd support him with making an application through them.
But agree with pp

Copperoliverbear · 15/01/2023 03:38

Under no circumstances let him move in. X

Toddlerteaplease · 15/01/2023 03:43

Absolutely no way. He's too young for a relationship that serious. And it doesn't sound particularly a particularly happy one either.

NeuroWasabi · 15/01/2023 03:56

No. Your instincts are right. It seems like your DS is quite passive and bf would take over. Plus bf is not nice and you don't want to end up in a position where you're kicking him out and he has nowhere to go, DS feels guilty, or worse, won't break up with him or tell you of problems as he'll have nowhere to go, etc.

Eyerollcentral · 15/01/2023 04:08

Absolutely not. Your son is 17. If they want to live together move out and get your own flat. This is a volatile relationship and his BF sounds a bit of a nightmare. Your son will just have to get over it. You actually are doing your son a favour as this is not going to work out in the long term and distance between them should be encouraged. Also do not let the BF more than one night in a row. Don’t negotiate just say no he can’t stay here another night.

PourOnTheHeat · 15/01/2023 04:19

No, I wouldn’t allow it.

Your son is far too young to be living with a partner and all that involves. It’s too intense at that age, especially when it’s not really a choice but by circumstance because he’s been kicked out. Add to that that this other lad has been controlling, has cheated and your boy is potentially vulnerable, to allow it would be madness. I would say he can visit, stay over occasionally, (to ensure your don stays living with you and us safe) but be praying that it fizzles out.

Does your son have friends and interests/hobbies? I know that can be difficult with children with autism, but I would try to make this boy a small part of your sons life and not let the relationship take over. Easier said than done I know.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2023 08:37

Absolutely not. You'd be making a huge mistake to allow this.

Coffeellama · 15/01/2023 08:39

100% do not let him move in.

yorkshirepudsx · 15/01/2023 09:04

I wouldn't let him move in at all,

When I was 19 my parents let my boyfriend at the time move in with us, it was actually their suggestion, he wasn't very welcome at his mums house due to constant arguing, and he practically spent all of his time at our house anyway.
I thought it was a good idea and then very quickly I ended up hating it. I felt like I had no space of my own, of course, still living with my parents, there was only really my bedroom that was 'mine' - so having somebody come into that space with their stuff, and using that as their space too, wound me up - I just felt like he was intruding and I didn't have anything of my own. We ended up arguing none stop, or he would argue with my dad none stop. He was a very difficult person to live with, and it added so much tension to the relationship between me and my parents too. He worked odd shifts, and I worked 8-6, so on days he was off work, I always had him, my dad or my mum calling me to tell me about an argument and it was just massively stressful. He was very disrespectful towards my parents and me, never did anything to contribute to the house, so I quickly realised why he argued with his mum so much 😳

I ended up asking him to leave/find somewhere else to live, I just couldn't handle it. He walked out there and then & said a lot of nasty things to me on his way out - but he refused to get any of his belongings for well over a week. When he did return to get his things, he spoke to me like crap, told me how he'd been sleeping around for the 3 years we were together - got in my face shouting and launched a lot of my belongings across the room at me, he acted very violently and my dad ended up almost fighting with him.

I'd want to know exactly why your DS's BF has been arguing with his mum, but I would also refuse to allow him to move in. Your DS is 17, and this could turn out horribly for him, especially with the BF's previous behaviours.

I really hope you're ok OP, it can't be easy going through this when you only want what's best for your DS. I hope your DS can also understand too xx

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