to feel ashamed and disappointed with myself/my life

[wantingmore24]

Name change for this.
Now before I begin, I know how this is all going to sound and I know deep down I am being unreasonable but I can't help feeling this way. I think I have felt this way since as long as I can remember, even as a child.
I want a certain life, and I desperately want to look a certain way (skinny, good hair, clear skin), but I know it's never going to happen. I am short and a dumpy size 14 with big breasts which I hate - I always feel like a little beach ball. No matter what I do, I look the same and it's got to the point where I make 0 effort because if I haven't made effort, I can't be as disappointed with my reflection and I feel embarrassed when dressing up and going to events that I've even tried.
I studied for my masters degree a couple of years ago as my thinking was, "if I can't be attractive, I can at least be educated", but it hasn't helped at all. I can't help but think I need to do a PhD (of course I can't afford this), or that I should have become a lawyer or a doctor instead of being a teacher.
Since I had my DD 6 months ago, this all feels so much worse. I love her more than words, but I can't help but think I would have had more of a chance of being the person I want to be if I was child free. I feel so guilty for thinking these selfish things as I know I am so lucky to have her. My DH says he still finds me attractive but I don't believe him and I can't help but think that he wishes I was someone else he could be proud to call his wife and not me.
I guess what I am asking is, has anyone else felt this way? Or has anyone felt this way and has since got over it? I desperately want to feel happy and enjoy my life without all these superficial feelings eating away at me but I just don't know how.

You need to work on your self esteem. Would you talk to someone else the way you talk to yourself? You wouldn't.
Being a teacher is amazing, it takes a heck of a lot of skill to teach 30 kids every day without snapping and a lot of brain power too, be kinder to yourself.

Are you sure you haven't got PND? That made me completely irrational and I really struggled with life. Worth having a chat with HV?

Totally understand, I’m very much the same now I’ve got a 3 and 1 year old and wonder what I did all the time before kids and I should’ve progressed (or changed) my career and built up loads of hobbies etc. My size and shape has changed and just having to get used to it now. Image might be helpful!

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I agree you perhaps need to see your GP or health visitor as you have just had a child (that I assume you planned) so if the life you wanted was child free I don't think you would have done that?

What you have described mostly is an appearance not a person.

How would the person that you want to be behave and feel? If they were, for example, a teacher with a partner and baby would they think in fact that was a pretty good life?

Would they plan some nice places to take their baby as a family, some nice things to do with their partner - a film or a meal maybe. Would they phone a friend and arrange to meet up? Would they plan something for half term?

If the person you want to be had had a baby recently and was not feeling their best would they be kind to themselves? Would they put themselves first on occasion to take good care of themselves - maybe finding time to take a walk or go for a swim.

Appearance is appearance. It isn't being a person. Take care of yourself and consider if you might need some support.