Friend cancelling all the time

[User121776]

Hi, a good friend has developed some mental health problems (depression) which she thinks is related her period (PMDD). It's been going on for a year and has impacted her meeting me/our group of friends where every time I try to meet her she cancels last minute. I have stopped making arrangements but she contacts me to make plans, often extravagant plans that involve a lot of travelling ie to visit big cities with 1-3 hours travel involved. Have decided to stop agreeing to these plans as they are very expensive but AIBU to have lost sympathy? It's about 6-7 cancellations.

Yes OP I'd be getting frustrated by now too

Maybe just arrange things in future for visit to one another's house or a walk.

Your poor friend with her MH problems, but you're only human too and thatvwould drive me bonkers

I would try and make arrangements that tie into your current plans.

Like if you need to pop into town ask to meet in a coffee shop in the area or if you need to do a food shop suggest you go in the supermarket cafe.

It's hard when someone's struggling but your time is valuable and it's not fair that she's cancelling last minute meaning it's too late for you to make other plans!

Can you have a gentle chat with her about how you want to be there for her but it’s tough when she cancels all the time, and try to make low key plans with her in the safe-zone part of her menstrual cycle? Is she getting adequate professional support for the PMDD?

I feel for her having MH issues but its not fair of her to plan events 3 hours away and then just cancel at the last minute. Its not her fault she has issues but it IS her responsibility to plan accordingly bearing that in mind (eg. not booking expensive events miles away that she then cancels on). I'd still see her but I wouldnt spend money or plan anything miles away. I'd invite her somewhere I was going anyway then if she doesnt show up, its no big deal as you were doing it anyway. Your time is just as valuable as hers.

I was in a similar situation with a flaky friend. Luckily I could arrange to meet her in a bigger group, so if she didn't turn up it didn't matter as much. I think the best thing to do is to invite your friend to things that you're going to anyway (as part of a bigger group, our something you're happy to do alone if she cancels.) Just tell her that you don't want her to feel too much pressure. For example with my friend it wouldn't arrange to go for dinner just the two of us in case she didn't turn up.

PMDD would mean cancelling only before periods and in a pattern she could reasonably predict.

I don't make any plans with friends when I'm depressed (my episodes can last a few months - bipolar) and I'm upfront with them about why.

Your mental health matters too and being cancelled on often won't help it.

I have long term friend I'm understanding of if they need to cancel and it's a casual thing, though stopped making plans (or any effort) with two friends who were habitual.