To think that DS should be allowed to spend his money as he wishes

[spicedemerald]

I share custody of my DC 50/50 with my exDH and have done since we divorced 8 years ago. It was a reasonably amicable split and we usually manage to navigate any difficulties in a sensible manner but I need help with this one because it’s making me angry and I don’t know if I should bring it up or let it go.

DS1 (14) has been trying to save his money to buy something he has been wanting for a while. He has just become upset because we were talking about how his step-dad and I would be happy to give him money for his birthday, instead of presents, to go towards this item, and that I would ask his grandparents/ aunties/ uncles etc. the same. He said he has already saved half at his dad’s house but that he has been told he is not allowed to spend it whilst he is here, or to combine it with money from anyone else because his step-mum’s family gave it to him.

It then transpired that he (and his siblings) are not allowed to bring any Christmas or birthday presents here that were bought by his dad/step-mum or their side of the family. I feel so bad for him. The way I see it, his belongings are his and there should be no conditions attached to gifts or money. Things he is bought by me or anyone else on my side of the family, can be taken to whoever’s house he wants because they are his belongings. My children didn’t choose to live in two separate houses and I just think that this just makes it more difficult for them.

WIBU to speak to his dad? I know I can’t tell him how to parent but I just feel so frustrated that my DC are being put in this position.

I had this too, my ex insisted that Dad's house things had to stay in Dad's house, he didn't see them as our kids things. We didn't have a good co-parenting relationship though, he tended to reject any suggestions I made.

I think your ex is being a dick.

I would just tell your ex that your children are upset at this rule and no such rule exists on your end and ask for the reason he thinks this needs to be in place. I agree they should be able to spend their money on whatever they want to spend it on without restriction. Your ex sounds controlling.

Can see why he’s your ex…

Well he needs to keep his “real” own money at your house and his “semi” own money at his dads. Stupid rule but not worth worrying about.

How in 8 years has this either not been a massive issue already?

If you can have a reasonable discussion with him, then ask him why gifts to DC are not his to use as he wants, especially money ???

I can understand when they're younger as they often then end up with no toys, no clothes etc at Dads house.

OR tell DS to speak up for himself...

'so it's not actually MY money then?'

'

We had this. He gave her a GoHenry card but blocked her spending on it. All her money from his side went onto the card, but she had to ring and ask him to authorise the payment before she was allowed to buy anything and if he didn't think it was a suitable purchase, then she was forbidden to buy it.

He wanted me to put my pocket money for her on the card, but I said no as I feel they have to learn from bad mistakes, like regretting spending it on useless tat.

It came to a head in a museum gift shop when she saw a book she wanted to buy but we couldn't get hold of him on the phone. I gave her the money to buy it and she said she would pay me back, but he refused to authorise the book as he didn't think it was suitable (Good night stories for Rebel Girls - highly recommended!). Then she felt bad as I'd had to pay for the book when she wanted to buy it herself.

Opened an account with a debit card after that which he was furious about. She still buys stuff I'm not keen on, like short skirts and cropped tops, but that's part and parcel of teens growing up and not a battle worth fighting!

A lot of parents run rules like this. I've encountered it often. I don't like it much either, but it is what it is.

That money from those relatives effectively doesn't exist, he'll have to get his head around it. He could ask them to put it in a savings bond to mature when he's 18 or so, or to let him know if they see an item they'd like him to spend it on. He doesnt' have control over it so he may as well forget about it otherwise.