Enormous row because I don't want to drink alcohol, AIBU?

[TheEchochamber]

It's long so I can give full context, if you stay until the end then thank you.

I'm a mum of multiple small children, I'm a carer for one of them who is disabled and my youngest still doesn't sleep through the night so I'm permanently knackered. I have CPTSD, ADHD and a chronic health condition. I've also just been through a cancer scare, 2 week wait referral, biopsies etc. No cancer thankfully but it has been hell and my mental health has completely collapsed. So that's the background.

Over the past week I've turned to alcohol on two occasions because my head is all over and Ive had suicidal tendencies which DP knows about. I haven't drank properly in years as I have an alcoholic parent and that put me off completely. I recognised the red flag and decided I'm not drinking again. Back to being T total. I signed up to the gym for a healthier outlet.

Today is DP's birthday. I got him some nice presents which he said he liked. He was due to work tonight.

Some time ago he pre booked the weekend off work and said he wanted to go for a meal together on friday/saturday and then out for a few drinks. I agreed that sounded nice. This was weeks ago.

Fast forward to today we were talking about the meal we're going out for, he mentioned booze and I said I don't want to have a drink after the past few weeks it's not a good idea for me.

He was disappointed but the conversation ended there.

20 minutes later he raised it again and this time announces that he'd already invited out a mutual friend for drinks therefore would have to let him down. Guilt tripping me.

I relented and said ok I will have a couple of drinks but no more than that as I do not want to get drunk.

Conversation ended again.

Only that wasn't good enough as 10 minutes later when I'm getting ready for bed he was huffing and puffing about how "this is why I never plan anything for my birthdays because it always goes tits up" and how shit it is.

I asked what he was talking about, I said he knew he was working tonight. He said he wasn't talking about tonight he was talking about tomorrow and how I don't want to have a drink.

I reiterated that I would have a couple of drinks but no more and asked why that wasn't good enough for him - did he want me to get paralytic? If so why?

He says no then goes on about how it feels like he's forcing me to drink and therefore I won't enjoy myself. I explained why I didn't want to drink and said I would if it made him happy but no, I don't particularly want to - but will for him.

He then references the 2 occasions I have drank recently. I said yes that's exactly why I don't want to drink.

Moan moan moan.

We ended up having a blazing row which resulted in me in tears and him claiming he doesn't know where this has come from. He doesn't know anything about my mental health problems and has never bothered his arse to read up on either of them since I was diagnosed. This is a complete contrast to the years I've spent trying to understand him and how his mind works.

He completely gaslit me and says he wasn't moaning about me not wanting to drink. He said drinking orange or coke was an option - why the hell cajole me into agreeing to drink alcohol then and then cause an argument because I don't come across 'excited' enough about it.

He went on and on and on then when I got so stressed out I exploded he made out it had come out of nowhere and he didn't understand what my problem was or why I was getting stressed.

He's now gone to work and I'm here on my own with the kids in a right old state.

I did really well today. Its the first day in many that I haven't cried, until now. I spent some time in the gym. Felt a bit more positive.

Now this.

Am I being unreasonable here? Am I a party pooper or is he being a dick?

I've NC.

He’s being an absolute idiot. You get to choose what you drink or eat, not him. He doesn’t get to bully or intimidate you into drinking what he wants you to drink. Why would he even think he gets to dictate? This degree of controlling is ridiculous. Why does he even care so much about you needing to have alcohol over a soft drink? Is it because he’s so bloody joyless he’ll have a shit boring birthday if people aren’t drunk in his company?

I think he's after something sexual if I'm honest. We have next to no sex life lately as I've had alot of gynae problems since my youngest was born last year. Irregular bleeding after sex. Pain etc (which is what lead to the cancer pathway as after a smear came back abnormal they thought cervical cancer)

He will flatly deny that is his intention of course.

I agree with you, that’s exactly what I was thinking as I read your post.

I'd go for the meal, drop him at the pub to meet his mate and leave then to it. I'd be seriously considering whether he was supportive enough to continue as your life partner to be honest given he doesn't appear to give a shit about you.

He absolutely doesn't get to dictate what you drink - why on earth would ANYONE get that level of control over someone else?!

I told him to go and have a drink with his mate or somebody else if it meant that much to him.

He won't though. He'll cancel on his friend (who I had absolutely no idea was coming in the first place) and then mope around about how hard done by he is because his plans didn't happen. Trying to make me feel and look bad.

I'm astounded at just how little he gives a shit about my well being. He's completely blind to it.

I probably shouldn't have said this part but I'll be honest, I said if I carried on the way I have been doing then he's probably going to come home and find me dead so could he please just stop the bullshit about alcohol.

Cue him being completely confused (apparently) about where that came from.

Yes. Technically he is wrong and not nice

But I am often in this situation (if not wanting to drink) and J never really feel the need to make a big thing of it. I just say yes, U want to go for a drink with you (is, yes, J want to spend time together), then after / wine my next drink will be a lime and soda

No big deal

No big discussion needed

Could you not just have said yes to drinks and meal, and just order soft drinks?

I can see why he felt that it sounded like you did not want to go out with him

And I am sorry you are not well and hope you get help

Please don't threaten him or anyone with suicide though

Look after yourself

I’m similarly sorry you’ve been under lot of stress and I think that has affected your communication with your partner.

The plans for his birthday meal/drinks did not have to change. I don’t know why you had to announce you wouldn’t be drinking alcohol? As a pp said, you could have simply just gone, had a good time, and ordered what you wanted whether lemonade or whatever. It did seem like you were angling for the entire drinks portion of the evening to be cancelled hence his comment about letting down the friend he’d invited. Most people would be angling for it to be cancelled by announcing such a thing..usually you’d say nothing, just go and not order alcohol.

I can understand his confusion as well given you’d been drinking the past week and now have suddenly decided to go teetotal and join a gym? It’s a bit of a sudden behavioural change really.

And I don’t think he gaslit you as he said he felt like he was forcing you to drink alcohol and that wasn’t his intent, I think he was just trying to have that portion of the evening happen no matter what you drank?, It seems like a big miscommunication tbf.

And please, do not threaten suicide…if you really felt that low please do call 111 and ask to speak to a MH crisis team. I think the stress has really affected you deeply and you might need some professional help.

He sounds awful and a creep.

Don't threaten suicide but I do think you really need support and he certainly isn't giving it to you.

Perhaps ask your GP for some help.

You have so much going on and a lot on your plate, yet you are trying to look after yourself.

You sound amazing and he sounds like an arse.

Take care.

Some valid points made and taken on board, thank you.

I shouldn't have said what I said and will apologise for that tomorrow. I'm just in such a shit place atm. I'm pouring from an empty cup and the expectation that I get pissed, because he wants me to, is the last thing I need.

The reason I didn't wait until the drinks portion of tomorrow evening to make clear I'm not drinking is because he would have made an even bigger fuss about how the night was ruined etc. That's what he's like. He would make out I'd spoiled everything for him. I thought it would be better to make it clear tonight so that there was no expectation tomorrow.

It's not that he just wants to have a drink himself by the way, which of course he'd be welcome to do, what he wanted was for me to get pissed with him.

My POV was that after he raised it a second time and I agreed to have a couple he should have just left it there instead of chipping away about how it's all shit, everything is ruined etc.

He got what he wanted which was me agreeing to have a drink but was then annoyed about the fact I didn't really want to, I can't really do much about that can I? If I don't want to I don't want to.

It reminds me of that film The Break Up where Jennifer Aniston said she wasn't upset that he wasn't doing the dishes, she wanted him to want to do the dishes.

He is manipulating you with his mood and he has something to gain by getting you to drink.
As you said it is most likely sex.
He wants to totally bypass actually listening to you and acknowledging all the valid reasons for your choices.
It reminds me of the classic case of men asking women and girls to “ smile”.They are actually saying “ I don’t give a damn about your real feelings, just do as I say and make yourself look pleasant for me”.
If you ever want to check whether or not you are being manipulated, ask yourself “ how easy is this person making it for me to say no”?
Anyone you makes it difficult for you to refuse a request is manipulative.
I suspect that he is indirect and somewhat immature also.
It sounds like you have made really sensible choices, are dealing with a lot and that you are not respected or appreciated by this moody, manipulative, man child.

Yep first thing I thought too. He’s out of order. Maybe you can discuss lack of sex with him separately to this. It’s awful someone wants to get his wife blind drunk so he can have his wicked way

You are absolutely correct that he's indirect and immature. He makes little digs all the time and talks through the baby, for example "oh DS mummy is going to go out partying every weekend" after I said I was excited to get my driving licence and visit childhood friends.

I hadn't said a thing about partying, just that I missed my friends and was happy about being able to drive over there soon. These friends have children of their own and don't even drink for the most part. I don't know what his problem is. It's like his brain equates alcohol to sex.

..and that was before any of this stuff with alcohol. Until last Friday I hadn't touched booze in about 18 months.

I spoke about that on MN too actually a few weeks ago.

I just want him to leave me alone at this stage if I'm honest.

He's insecure about our lack of sex life and puts that down to me not fancying him anymore when actually it's because whenever we did do anything I would be bleeding for days afterwards. Gradually over time his insecurity has eroded my feelings for him to be completely honest.

Poor you. You've been dealing with a lot and he sounds totally ignorant and uncaring about your mental health, never mind anything else.

Whether you have alcohol or not shouldn't be such a big issue for him so, as you say, he may well have an ulterior motive for being so desperate for you to have a few drinks.

You have made a sensible choice to NOT drink.

Sorry, but he sounds horrible and like the last thing you need at the moment.

I hope you have some support xx

@TheEchochamber
I'm so sorry to read this but I can't see this situation changing overnight and you deserve better than this
So get your ducks in a row and have some self respect and leave

I think you already know the answer to this. YANBU. Your man is sulking like a child a using cohesive control to get you do as he wants. Forget alcohol having been a problem for you, forget questioning how your consumption of alcohol impacts on his enjoyment....this is a massive red flag. He's shown you what he is....belive him.

Typo Cohersive control!

Other issues aside (and they are big so I’m not dismissing them), there is/was absolutely no reason why you couldn’t have gone out for drinks and just not had alcoholic ones. Tonic with ice and a slice is lovely (imo), for example. He absolutely shouldn’t have insisted that you drink, and you never have to be persuaded again. Just don’t go there.

I hope things improve for you.

He’s worried that cutting down on alcohol will help you to clarify your thoughts and realise what a manipulating immature person he is. Do what is right for you- always!

I do need to leave, or get him to leave, but the problem is I'm in such a shit place at the minute I would never manage with the kids 😔

I need to get better first and I'm really trying to.

Some people are sadly permanently stuck with the mindset of an idiot 18-year-old who thinks it's impossible to have fun unless everybody gets drunk.

Does he have a drinking problem, then?
It sounds rather co-dependant, no?
You struggle with drinking and are attempting sobriety. Your husband doesn't want you in control... perhaps so the light won't illuminate his own issues. Perhaps so you'll always be a bit off-kilter making him look less a mess? Will always need him? I don't know, but you do.
Your children depend on clear-headed responsible adults looking after them.
Your well-being is clearly dependant on sobriety. Choose yourself and your children.
Tell your husband to grown-up and get sober or move on. Sorry.

Yes, you would manage. There is support out there.

My husband stopped drinking decades ago and has never had a problem going along and having a good time and being fun on a night out.

I'll also add that y'all are in the heavy responsibility years and sometimes the stress of it brings out the worst in the best of us.

If possible, I'd consider marriage counseling and also both looking for any chances to lighten your loads or at least to be sure to not get in any deeper.

My best advice as an old bat who's been there, done that is be nice to each other. Best wishes.