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AIBU?

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Original poster

Father in law stopped talking to us.

24 replies

Flowers32 · 12/01/2023 18:33

My father in law has stopped talking to us because we haven't stayed overnight at his house for a while. But we did stay at my parents house over Christmas.
I have a 4 year old and we spend every Saturday with my father in law. We have been on camping trips with him over the summer last year but not done any sleepovers at his house. We spend far more day time with him than my parents but today has said bye and put the phone down on my husband over this issue.
He doesn't even have a spare bed for us to sleep on. And has never suggested that we stay over.
He has cut us off before for a few months over a silly upset so I'm worried this is going to be the same.
I feel like it's my fault because it's my family he's annoyed at. My husband has gone very quiet tonight and I'm feeling that I never want to see my father in law again. But I get upset when I think of my son not seeing him because they are very close.
I think I just need to rant about it!

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 12/01/2023 18:36

Im sorry is he 5 years old....what an utter child.
Dont feel guilty, this isnt your fault. Why goesnt your DH tackle his dad?

Probablymagrat · 12/01/2023 18:37

I'm sorry your FIL is being a dick. I can't stand people who use the silent treatment to bully and coerce others into doing what they want. Its not exactly encouraging you to go and see him is it? Has he always been like this or is it a new behaviour?

AnyOldThings · 12/01/2023 18:39

WTF did I just read?! A grown man sulking because you won’t have sleepovers?! That’s just weird. Why does he want you to sleep there and where would your child and you sleep?

blebbleb · 12/01/2023 18:41

Your DH needs to be the one to deal with this. Your father in law is childish. If he wants to disown his family let him. He'll be the one losing out.

Original poster
Flowers32 · 12/01/2023 18:44

Yeah my DH doesn't really care about his dad. He's tried to reason with him but once my FIL doesn't like someone that's it, you're out. He's always been like it. My DH is just worried what lies his dad will spread to his brother's about us.
We did give my FIL a bed frame beginning of last year so all he has to do is get a mattress then there would be space.

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 12/01/2023 18:45

I’d leave him to it - he can stay in the huff

if your husbands in a mood leave him to it also

do not allow this man to coercively control you. It’s up to your husband to deal with him

Yesthatismychildsigh · 12/01/2023 18:46

Pathetic! What else is he going to pull this stunt over when your child is older and fully aware? He’s already done this once. Call his bluff. Leave him to it. He’ll soon come round and maybe think twice before next time.

Original poster
Flowers32 · 12/01/2023 18:51

He's not changed since last time. That was all about my family as well. After a couple of months he asked to come and see my son. And since then I've been on my best behaviour trying not to upset him. I thought things were getting better and was about to open up to him more but then he just brings it all up again!

OP posts:
Rawandreal74 · 12/01/2023 18:52

It’s controlling and destructive behavior I’m afraid 😞
I spent 20 years trying to keep the relationship on an even keel with my parents and now regret wasting my time as I found out they haven’t cared for half of that time.
I’ve found as people get older they become more and more difficult ( obviously not everyone !) - the elderly I’m afraid don’t have as much going on as the working generation and therefore have too much time to think about every tiny little thing others are doing.
Most of the reason for the difficulties with my parents was their pure hatred for my in laws.
That said I note you don’t mention your father in laws partner ? Does this have something to do with it……. Loneliness and bitterness can be amplified massively by grief or the lack of a companion.
He might be seeing you all having a lovely family happy sleepover but he’s at home in his own ?
can he develop new hobbies / friendships so he doesn’t focus on you all as much ?
allocate sat times to meet up so he doesn’t see himself as an afterthought ?
give him a discuss role with your son ? Always nice to feel needed ……
GOOD LUCK 🍀

Natty13 · 12/01/2023 18:53

Look at your husband, a grown adult miserable and sad because one of the people who is meant to love him unconditionally is punishing him. Think of that happening to your DC when you feel sad at them not seeing your immature dick of a FlL. He is not going to be a safe person for them emotionally and those people do hurt children at some point - whether it's after they reach adulthood or not.

cptartapp · 12/01/2023 18:57

Ignore him. Leave him to it. He's more to lose in the long run.

StaunchMomma · 12/01/2023 19:24

He has cut us off before for a few months over a silly upset so I'm worried this is going to be the same.

This says everything.

He's dramatic and manipulative and you care too much when he acts out.

Ignore him. It's his problem and if he continues to be rude point out to him how ridiculous it is to stop seeing family because you're jealous that others are potentially getting to see more of family and you want to spend more time with them.

Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face!

AluckyEllie · 12/01/2023 19:32

Ignore it. He’s a sad old man with nothing better to do than sit on his house feeling bitter. He lives alone and is cutting off the people he spends a day a week with- that will hurt him the most! Idiot.

How are your husbands relationships with his brothers? Are they close, have they experienced his pettiness?

Piffle11 · 12/01/2023 19:44

But I get upset when I think of my son not seeing him because they are very close.

It's a shame FIL doesn't seem as concerned about this.

honeylulu · 12/01/2023 19:52

I wouldn't be worried or upset. I'd enjoy having my Saturdays back for a while until he realises he's cut off his nose to spite his face like he did last time

BabyOnBoard90 · 12/01/2023 19:59

Lonely and bitter

ScruffGin · 12/01/2023 20:04

I had a relative like that and the only thing that improved it was not breaking first. Didn't ring to apologise for whatever it was that time, and just got on with my life. Eventually she realised it wasn't working and hasn't done it since. You have to be prepared not to see him again though, but it's fully his choice

BunchHarman · 12/01/2023 20:06

He sounds desperately unpleasant. If you care what he’ll say to the brother, play him at his own game and get to him first with the truth.

WandaWonder · 12/01/2023 20:07

ScruffGin · 12/01/2023 20:04

I had a relative like that and the only thing that improved it was not breaking first. Didn't ring to apologise for whatever it was that time, and just got on with my life. Eventually she realised it wasn't working and hasn't done it since. You have to be prepared not to see him again though, but it's fully his choice

All this

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/01/2023 20:09

Piffle11 · 12/01/2023 19:44

But I get upset when I think of my son not seeing him because they are very close.

It's a shame FIL doesn't seem as concerned about this.

Precisely. His choice, his loss.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 12/01/2023 20:12

He sounds really weird

PritiPatelsMaker · 12/01/2023 20:12

Please try not to worry about what he says about you, my "D"M says the most outrageous and untrue things about us.

Those that love you and know you will know these things aren't true. You can't control what FIL does or says and you can't control what others think.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/01/2023 20:23

ScruffGin · 12/01/2023 20:04

I had a relative like that and the only thing that improved it was not breaking first. Didn't ring to apologise for whatever it was that time, and just got on with my life. Eventually she realised it wasn't working and hasn't done it since. You have to be prepared not to see him again though, but it's fully his choice

This might work, but if it doesn't I'd be going low contact, the older your DS gets the more damage this behaviour will do to them. He's already shown he's prepared to hurt your DS to get his way, as much as it might hurt now if you reduced contact it will hurt more if he's doing this to your DS when he's older.

Gymnopedie · 12/01/2023 20:24

We did give my FIL a bed frame beginning of last year so all he has to do is get a mattress then there would be space.

He almost certainly doesn't genuinely care in the slightest that you haven't been there overnight. But he's heard that you were at your parents' so he's used that as a convenient stick to beat you with. For whatever reason he was spoiling for a fight.

DS may be unhappy now not to see his DGF, but he will be a lot more unhappy when he's older and gets the same shit aimed at him. For everyone's sake, including your DH, leave the old bloke to it.

And if your DH is really unhappy about his father's more general behaviour and is happy with LC/NC, please DON'T be that DW who tries to force the family into a relationship in some sort of misguided feeling that families should have relationships. There have been threads on here from women who have done exactly that and it doesn't end well.

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