Mental Load

[Idontknowanythinganymore]

I feel like the trying to articulate the mental load of parenting and running the house whilst working 4 days a week is so difficult! When I attempt an explanation I hear myself muttering about laundry and it sounds pathetic. Is there a way of explaining it successfully so that DH understands why I am so utterly drained of having to consider every single bloody thing and why I think that only having to think about work is a luxury?!

So my aibu is should i even bother trying to have the conversation again or just leave it as i never get anywhere

YABU leave it
YANBU try again

Not going to vote. But what you need to do is sit down with DH and make sure there are both things you take the lead on and the other doesn’t get involved in. And (and this bit is crucial) this means watching things fall over and not criticising if they’re not done the way you’d do them.

otherwise you’ll just fall under the load.

husband and I make a list together on a Sunday evening for the week ahead it’s in a Google keep list - we both chip away at the jobs. If one of us is working from home can do small jobs while boiling the kettle for a cuppa (empty dishwasher/ put a wash on / hang a wash etc

whoever isn’t doing bath and bed will do other bits off the list - then if there’s anything left we blast it together quickly once daughter in bed

we always fold the laundry while we are watching tv in the evening

this has solved most of my mental load problems

when extra stuff pops into my head I just add it to the keep list which updates is both in real time

We do a week on and a week off for meal planning shopping etc. Laundry he does his own and his girls. I take care of my own car and he does his.
He deals with his children, baths, homework, drop off, etc.
House cleans we split a week on week off.
We'll generally have an informal chat about the weekly work schedule etc.

Don't try and explain it because the DH in my experience doesn't understand!

I think @Heyahun had a really good solution which I'm going to steal - but I also think lower your standards. I also work four days a week long hours and have a DC and I think nothing is ever going to be "done" to a good standard but good enough for me will have to do

I find text message worked the best to explain mental land to dh and he finally got it
I made a list like
Rembering what uniform each child needs and making sure it's washed.
Making sure someone's avaliable for childcare.
Remembering whats on at school and what we need to attend.
Medical and dental appointments for everyone
Sorting household bills and shopping around for insurances etc.
Noticing what's low food wise or toiletries and shopping for them or ordering them.
Nothing when kids need new shoes or coats.
Making sure homework are done
Dc having cards for parties
Logistics of dc activities
Remembering birthdays for relatives

Someone recommended a book called Fair Play for this, I haven’t bought it yet but it sounds like it’s worth a look for this situation.

Also on my list

Remembering when kids are off school.
Planning family days out.
Booking vehicles in for mot and servicing.
Making sure everyone has clothes that are good condition and buying clothes when they ar needed inc dh

You need to leave for a week. He’ll then notice all the jobs that get done daily and some that get done weekly. Unfortunately I have not found a way to explain the jobs that get done on a monthly, yearly or irregular schedule, such as booking childcare, clubs, getting new clothes, getting rid of old clothes.

Thank you all for replying, I've read every word and am taking it on board. I will definitely implement the live google list, even if the actual tasks aren't shared i think it would feel better to show all of the dull, repetitive but necessary tasks that take place invisibly every single day!

Our communication could be better, i struggle to articulate well when i feel emotional and my DH feels under sttack, i assume, as he gets defensive and sad.

These suggestions will help, i hope and I'll check out the book too.

Thanks again MN

even if the actual tasks aren't shared

Why can’t he do more? You work 4 days a week, (I assume) works 5. Your mental & parenting & household shitwork load should be only marginally in your favour.

Ask for more.

If you are only at the very start of these conversations (i.e. you haven’t addressed it over and over and he’s just an arse) then try showing him this:

amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic