AIBU to say this needs addressed rather than forgotten?

[Pointlessworrying]

NC but long-standing MN user, penis beaker etc…

This might be quite long as don’t want to drop feed.

DH and I have been married 13 years 4 DC and I would say we have a fairly nice life.

DH works away often and has done our entire married life, sometimes it for courses and meetings only for few days other times and less often it can be for several months for projects.

Because of this I’ve had really work hard to not build too much resentment towards him
from paid abroad trips for one meeting where he is wined and dined and looked after hand and foot and I’m at home with a colicky baby, greasy hair and crunchy nut cornflakes for my dinner to how easy he finds to compartmentalise his life and walk out the door and not really have mentally check in with his life at home till he is back it’s not always been easy to wave off with a smile and say see you later darling, enjoy!

I think also relevant to the thread I do have trust issues from childhood trauma and previous relationships (obviously not his problem) and he isn’t the best communicator so trying to process niggles and work out if I’m over reacting at things is sometimes not very clear.

We have a fairly healthy sex life, a couple times a week, sometimes less, sometimes more, however due to DH being away so often there is a LOT of porn use, much more I think than what he admits too, it used to bother me more than it does now, I’m still not happy if I think he’s watching it in the house but understand why he would when away with work.

We have never watched porn together (his choice) and we wouldn’t ever have a conversation about what he’s into but he has made references about colleagues, friends and said his taste is very vanilla compared so I’m quite sure nothing dodgy!!!

He does like to “watch” in general when it comes to sex/foreplay, I think this is relevant.

DH has been away for a few nights abroad with work, back last night, very happy to be home, nothing out of the ordinary.

He took his suitcase out of the car this morning to get something out before work but I thought a bit odd he zipped it back up and stuck it under the stairs, forget about it and though nothing off it.

Have just gone to put a wash on and brought suitcase out to add some of his stuff and found some random stuff and now starting to wonder if he is doing more online that downloading and watching bog standard porn.

His personal laptop was there, (he never goes anywhere without it so not abnormal on its own) a head piece, complete with mic and what looks like a resistance band which had either been cut or unknotted as just one long stretchy piece of rubber.

Now none of these things are particularly random on their own, DH had used resistance bands in the past for physio, if that’s what it is I’ve never seen that particular one before and he hasn’t needed for a while, the laptop like I said goes everywhere with him and the head piece has came from his work as it has a sticker on it but the fact that was wrapped round his personal laptop and in his suitcase and not in his work rucksack with work laptop, which he also took with him is setting off alarm bells off. I should also add he doesn’t play any computer games where you need a headpiece

I guess what I’m getting at is while I don’t think DH would ever cheat on me is he now paying for and watching and interacting with women online or am I blowing this all hugely out of proportion?

I asked DH straight out he could easily say, yup Laptop for football and Netflix, you know I’m not that orderly when packing up, I just chucked that headpiece in wherever it would fit and the resistance band (which I don’t even what to think about could be used for!!!!) was already in the suitcase and it would all make perfect sense but I don’t know the 3 things together and making my spidey senses go off…

What would you think?

I think it sounds totally unremarkable but I would question why, having seen three totally standard items you already know he uses, you jumped straight to 'he's paying for cam girls and cheating'?

I don't mean that patronisingly, I genuinely wonder what else might be going on that's heightened your sense of concern/paranoia to make that your instant conclusion. If there's nothing, then you maybe need to give your head a little wobble (or accept you're not as okay with porn use/him working away/your sex life - delete as appropriate - as you think you are). If there IS something else that's raised your internal alarm system above the norm, then there's your issue.

Bit of a leap

You’re totally right @housemaus I guess that’s I’m coming to AIBU the home off no bull shit response rather than going straight to him

I did think I sounded a pinch crazy when I wrote it all down but a girl can’t control her spidey sense…

He isn’t perfect and doesn’t always help with his lack of communication skills but I do know the issue are mainly mine.

That's not a Spidey sense that's a leap an Olympic pole vaulter would be proud of.

He left headphones from work with his personal laptop in a suitcase after travelling with a resistance band which he has used in the past for physio... I mean. Ok??? And??? You need to either ask him outright and trust his answer or split because this isn't healthy.

Also

*Because of this I’ve had really work hard to not build too much resentment towards him
from paid abroad trips for one meeting where he is wined and dined and looked after hand and foot and I’m at home with a colicky baby, greasy hair and crunchy nut cornflakes for my dinner to how easy he finds to compartmentalise his life and walk out the door and not really have mentally check in with his life at home till he is back it’s not always been easy to wave off with a smile and say see you later darling, enjoy! *

Work harder. I can feel the seething from here. It sounds like your MO is trust nothing and eventually, eventually Op, your H will say fuck this and opt out because I sure as shit would if I was with someone who had this much resentment and mistrust of me.

Eh, our brains get the best of us sometimes. Doesn't sound remotely suspicious to me, I would put it out of your head and work on improving communication between you both because - putting my very amateur psychology head on here - if you feel better able to express when something's bothering you, it won't sit and fester in your head and become 'he's definitely cheating'. And vice versa, if he's communicating effectively you won't feel left in the dark about how he feels and what he's thinking, which won't leave gaps for your brain to fill in the blanks.

You jumped to a slightly wild conclusion, that's okay, happens to the best of us. Fix the communication and I think it'll happen less 😊

Thank you @housemaus

A lap top
A headset
A resistance Band which he has used previously for pysio

Crikey Op your imagination is doing overtime.

How long has he been doing these work trips? I think perhaps it's gone on for a bit too long, certainly for you, and maybe even for him. Perhaps it's time to sit down and have a proper talk about where you're going in life, telling him that you struggle with him being away as much as he is, and that it's causing you to resent the fact that you have to take sole care of the kids while he's away. Be totally honest, and don't miss anything out, however small the niggles are, he needs to understand how you feel, and too many women don't tell their partners what's going on in their heads, just expect their partner to know, which is ridiculous. Would his skills be transferable to a job which doesn't necessitate being away from home? That aside, if your spidey senses are going off, take notice of them, sit down and tell him that unpacking his things has made you uneasy about what he's getting up to while he's away, and see what he says. If he has a perfectly acceptable explanation then fine, but if what he says continues to make you uneasy, then you have a problem which maybe a change of job could resolve.

On the resistance band, when I said he had used one in the past, he was given a blue one by the physio and told to use for an injury which he did once and then got shoved in the back of a drawer 5 years + ago never to see the light of day again.

If this is another one, (I don’t even know if it is, it’s like a long bit of red latex) I have been seen it before or seem him using.

Maybe he was listening to an audiobook or watching a film on his laptop and was using the headset. I often listen to stuff on a headset because it's there more than anything else.

Plus is the strap thing a bungee-type luggage strap? The sort of thing people put round a suitcase or bag when travelling.

@Dotjones I did wonder, but doesn’t match the suitcase pattern or colour…

it’s just like a long bit of red latex.

Red latex resistance bands exist. Could be using it for an online demo or class on YouTube, hence the headset.

Maybe ask him to allow you to vet every resistance band that comes into the house - or actually anything that he uses his own autonomy to purchase.

Or alternatively:

Yes your husband is obviously cheating and using a work headset like Britney spears in the early 2000s and a single red latex strap - that's the truth clearly, even though there are far more reasonable explanations.

Which makes you feel better?

I live alone and sometimes use headphones when using my laptop, I use ASMR to fall asleep and headphones are much better.They have a microphone because they came with one although I've never used it.

Yes possibly, he was staying in a hotel this time round so maybe didn’t what the volume too high to disturb the other guests.

He does have other normal headphones but maybe he just forgot to take them.