To think she shouldn’t bother buying Christmas presents?

[Gem123J]

To be talking about Christmas now 😮I know! But I was just in the kitchen and one of my husband’s presents was on the shelf in front of me and I got wondering!

Every year my mum buys these awful presents for us and it just makes me think why even bother? For example this time I received an outdoor citronella candle and a solar panel bird feeder, all from b&m as the price tags were still on, and obviously bought from the summer sale! Aibu to think why even bother? These are things she’s obviously just picked up from the sale with no certain person in mind, I know she likes to buy loads from sales to keep in the house for when a time comes that she can use or gift it, so usually you would think with awful gifts that it’s the thought that counts, but obviously there’s no thought here right?! What use do I have for these in winter time anyway? The bird feeder, ok birds need food in winter, but the candle?! I also have a cat so a bird feeder isn’t something I’ll put up as last time we did this our cat would hang around to catch the birds so I don’t want poor dead birds in the garden again and the cat catching fleas from said dead birds (like before!).

And my husband was gifted this tiny wind up torch (which is kind of useful but is very small so only useful to look in the cupboard for something, if the lights are out!), and I think he did get some beer this time so not too bad! Oh and these socks that said ‘Merry Kissmass’ 😂so just shows she doesn’t pay attention to what she’s gifting, just simply picking bargains and then throwing them into gift bags.

I feel like just asking her not to bother at all to be honest, but I don’t want to sound ungrateful but there is absolutely zero thought in these gifts isn’t there? And I think I’m more annoyed because for her and her boyfriend I bought them a voucher each for the cinema because they like going to watch films, and scratch cards that were £10 each because they usually win when I buy some to put in a card for their birthday’s etc. so obviously I’m thinking of what they would like, and I’ve obviously spent quite a bit more on them to be honest, not that the value counts… if thought was put in the gift.

I also think to phone my brother sometimes to see what they had because I know for a fact he would not be happy, and would make it known, if him and his wife were to receive these things. My Mum mentioned before that she gives my brother’s wife a hamper on her birthday and she said this in front of my husband who doesn’t get anything for his birthday off her, and I do feel sorry because his family always give me a card and a bottle of something or chocolates for my birthday and he doesn’t get any recognition from my family!

Aibu and I should just let it go and get on with it and not cause any arguments or should I mention something because it’s better than receiving gifts that serve no use to us and just clutter the home if anything?!

Totally depends on your family dynamics, in our family we have all agreed 'no presents for over 18s' no one is offended, no one wastes money or receives unwanted gifts but most importantly no one is offended. If you think your DM would be upset by that suggestion then you can just keep giving her modest gifts and passing her's on to the charity shop ...

I have a similar situation with my mum in law. I absolutely think she shouldn't bother and save her money.

Now don't get me wrong, she's not well off financially at all - which is another reason why I think she shouldn't bother! However I don't think she would take that too lightly to be honest.

What I'm going to suggest next year is that she buys our family a voucher for a meal or the cinema etc. she can add up whatever she spends on us all and get us a £20 voucher for example.

Ive already got it planned. I'm going to send her a text around November time saying we haven't spent much time together as a family lately so me and Dh thought it would be good to ask for vouchers.

My only issue is she buys all her gifts for next Xmas in the January sale - so now basically. It's going to fail, I already know it.

I won't lie, her gifts end up in a charity bag every year. There's no thought put into them and she really is wasting her money.

I have a similar situation with my mum in law. I absolutely think she shouldn't bother and save her money.

Now don't get me wrong, she's not well off financially at all - which is another reason why I think she shouldn't bother! However I don't think she would take that too lightly to be honest.

What I'm going to suggest next year is that she buys our family a voucher for a meal or the cinema etc. she can add up whatever she spends on us all and get us a £20 voucher for example.

Ive already got it planned. I'm going to send her a text around November time saying we haven't spent much time together as a family lately so me and Dh thought it would be good to ask for vouchers.

My only issue is she buys all her gifts for next Xmas in the January sale - so now basically. It's going to fail, I already know it.

I won't lie, her gifts end up in a charity bag every year. There's no thought put into them and she really is wasting her money.

I have a similar situation with my mum in law. I absolutely think she shouldn't bother and save her money.

Now don't get me wrong, she's not well off financially at all - which is another reason why I think she shouldn't bother! However I don't think she would take that too lightly to be honest.

What I'm going to suggest next year is that she buys our family a voucher for a meal or the cinema etc. she can add up whatever she spends on us all and get us a £20 voucher for example.

Ive already got it planned. I'm going to send her a text around November time saying we haven't spent much time together as a family lately so me and Dh thought it would be good to ask for vouchers.

My only issue is she buys all her gifts for next Xmas in the January sale - so now basically. It's going to fail, I already know it.

I won't lie, her gifts end up in a charity bag every year. There's no thought put into them and she really is wasting her money.

We’ve always done gifts at Christmas in our family but maybe I should suggest we stop because I could at least I could then save some money and stress on thinking what to buy!

Before she would just put some money in a card but for the past few years it’s been random things that we don’t really find any use in. I think last year we had a wind up radio, think it’s still in its box under the stairs but good idea about the charity shop, but hopefully she won’t see them in there @😅

Yeah I realised recently that for years I’ve been sending cards and thoughtful gifts to my SILs for their birthdays and am subtly reminded when it’s their birthdays (even though I’ve never missed them!) and yet no one except my mum acknowledges my dh’s birthday.

I’d definitely just tell your mum to save her money as you really don’t need anything. I actually think if she mentions the hamper again maybe say ooh that sounds lovely, I think dh would love that for his birthday what a great idea, in fact I’d love that too mum!

My df was the same. Although it was sm who actually went to the shop so prob deliberately twatish.. Dd got a short and T shirt set one Xmas and for her summer birthday Xmas slippers....

Honestly, they don’t sound so bad to me. A nice outdoor candle and a bird feeder would be perfectly welcome in this house.

Your DH being left out is a whole other thing, and you are right to be annoyed at the double standards (but given your distaste for her gifts, don’t you see it as a blessing?!).

@gretti you just don’t want to sound ungrateful no but then we’re taught that “it’s the thought that counts” but what if there isn’t any thought! My Mum is very financially secure, and I don’t mean that she should be spending more, it’s just a disappointment when I put thought in things and to get some random junk. To some it might not be junk but I honestly don’t have a use for a citronella outdoor candle currently and the birdhouse considering the cat would just kill the birds and they’d eventually stop coming!

My DS had lots of bits and bobs off her, she just tends to buy things over the year for him if she sees things in the middle aisle of Lidl/Aldi. But she took my brother to Smyths to chose something for his DS but I wouldn’t dare of telling her I’ll take her to the shop to chose something, but maybe I should if it works for my brother? It’s better for little children to get something they’ll actually play with anyway isn’t it?

@User359472111111 definitely works for some, but my Mum knows we have a cat who used to kill birds the last time we had a bird feeder so it just seems she’s just handing out whatever she’s bought in the sale. As for the Merry Kissmass socks for my DH, she obviously didn’t pay attention to what the socks said or the print on them, well I would hope not anyway 😅

what does the solar power of the bird feeder do?

NOthing you mention sounds like rubbish to me

You had a birdfeeder once, it didn't work out, she gave you a different one - cant you put it out of reach of the cat?

You obviously have an outdoors, and you have an outdoor candle, the sort of luxury item most people would enjoy, but not buy for themselves

You have a wind up radio stored under the stairs. WInd up radios are for peace of mind, for use in an emergency, such as getting snowed in, floods, or supply chain failure. They are not necesserily for using, just for having, for the peace of mind - although I always use ours when camping.

I dont see how this shows less thought than cinema vouchers and scratch cards.

Would it be fair to say it’s more the discrepancies between what your brothers family receive and what your family receive that is truly the issue? Thoughtless gifts aside.

I can relate some what. I have fear every Christmas opening gifts from my mum. I will encourage my partner that we open them Christmas Eve to almost get them out the way and away from the sight of others. As I can be so embarrassed by how little the gifts are suited to us.

I had a few years where it would really upset me. Sometimes cry asking my partner how does my mum know so little about me to be so far off the mark with the gifts. And his mum goes above and beyond to really consider what I might like (this heightens those feelings as she barely knows me and get it perfect even on a small budget)

I too had thought do I confront my mum, do I suggest we don't need gifts. And so glad I never did as this last year my dad died and she ended up speaking to me a little about when they'd go shopping and it opened my eyes that she really is doing the best she is able to.

I've made peace with the fact that my mum is unable to know me in a way I'd like and take comfort in knowing she tried. I will continue to open the gifts on Christmas Eve but with a different mindset from past years.

As for not acknowledging your partner it's hard to know what is going on there. Maybe one to consider how important it is to you and him to confront. And what outcomes could arise from the confrontation.

I did once have to talk to my mum about how upsetting it was that she would blank my partner when he was a guest in her home. I stopped taking him around and she does make more of an effort now to talk with him.

@Nimbostratus100 It just has a little light on top of it.

Of course some would like these things. I’m not saying they’re completely rubbish I’m saying they’re useless for me. There is no thought. Whereas the voucher I bought because they go to the cinema often, they have use of this gift. Aren’t we told to put thought in gifts? If she bought them for you and you like these things and would get use out of them, great. But for me I have no use, I know they’re things she’s bought in the sale with no person in mind at the time.

Our fence is 6ft so I couldn’t really put the bird feeder any higher unless I went up on a ladder and stuck it on the house.

Well you could just say it nicely, rather than not to bother. I've been telling my parents for years not to buy me anything as I don't need anything (which is true)

@NoDairyNoProblem oh definitely. It could be that my brother kicked up a fuss because it’s definitely something he would do. Or that she doesn’t dare gift him things from the sale because she knows he would be disappointed. I don’t think it’s very fair, and I wouldn’t do that to my own children. It’s always been the case though, he’s always been treated better than I have, even though I’ve always done more to help with family, but that’s a whole different story! Some fairness would be nice, or nothing at all because it just adds salt to the wounds.

My mum is terrible at gift buying! However, she does put thought behind the gifts, and my siblings and I compare each year.

She's 80 and lovely, so I go with the thought behind.

@Nicecow yes I’d definitely say it nicely, I think I might suggest no gifts this Christmas since we’ll have another child and I’ll have been on maternity for most part of the year so for us to cut down on our spending and that she can cut down on spending for us too.

I'm with others here that they sound like perfectly reasonable gifts, not particularly thoughtless at all.

Does your mum know the citronella candle is useless to you? Have you had conversations about how you never sit outside in the summer? It sounds to me like a nice gift and we would use it. The same with the bird feeder, though I take your point about the cat. But have you specifically told her that you can't use bird feeders because the cat kills all the birds? If not, she might not realise. Also, the Merry Kissmas socks are just an affectionate joke, aren't they? It's just a silly Christmas thing for her son who I guess she's fond of, not a declaration of sexual interest.

The socks were gifted to my DH so not her son. Merry Kissmass with lots of kissing lips on it, my DH thought it was a bit weird but we know it’s just something she’s bought on sale and has thrown it in the bag for his gift. My brother would never accept novelty gifts and they would be in the bin, I know that for a fact!

She knew about our cat killing birds when we last had a bird feeder and we stopped putting anything out because we had a bad flea problem that in the last house because of this, out cat kept killing and eating birds and then even with regular flea treatment caught fleas and they were all in the house. Took weeks to get rid of them all! The candle will probably get use but I didn’t think it was a usual thing to buy summer accessories for Christmas presents? Our house is on the market and we’re hoping to sell soon so the candle won’t get any use in this house.

I have a similar issue with my lovely and very generous MIL.

She always likes to buy things I definitely want, but also doesn't buy some things I ask for (she asks for links and lists, so I give them), because they're not "gifty" enough.

So as well as the thing I want, there'll be about twenty things I want with foofy, frilly, gifty things.

For example - a weights set - but also a lurid pink headband with a naff gym slogan on it. Baking materials, but also a few fluffy, cutesy baking implements that are totally (ugly) style over substance.

I love that she gets me gifts and wants to feel like she's treating me, but she's actually just treating me to a trip to the charity shop.

@thecatsthecats I know some people would happily accept, same as what we have received in the past such as the wind up radio, but to me
it’s just items that would rarely, if at all, get any use just taking up space. I’m in a much smaller house than she is, I hate clutter, and I just don’t have space for all this random bits that are useful in a crisis but not day to day. We never listen to the radio, she never listens to the radio, she likes similar music to me so knows I use my phone for music, as does she, so why the wind up radio?! We never go camping, neither has she ever, so it won’t get any use and she knows this.

I think it’s worth me mentioning that this is a person who told me when I ran my own little side hustle making organic bath products a couple of years back not to gift her any of that s*@t for Christmas because she won’t use it! Whereas my MIL said to me very nicely that she never uses the bath just in case I gave her any of the products, and this is true, they’ve never once used their bath when they renovated their home!

And the products I made were nice too, made a lot of sales over a year until I stopped making them because I didn’t have time between work and being a parent, so not like I was just making some cheap horrible stuff.

But she bought some Tropic stuff off her friend’s DIL to support her business but never once thought to support or promote her own daughter’s business!

Ok, I’ll stop now with the updates 😅

see, to me, bath products would be the ultimate in thoughtless pointless gifts, and I smile and say thank you politely, then they go straight in the bin as soon as the giver has gone.

I would never voluntarily apply unnecessary chemicals to my skin, and I hate the assumption that I would. I have recently had several surgeries, and the number of people who insist on sending me "pamper products" as get well presents is unreal, despite, when speaking to my sons in advance, being very specifically told I won't want them

So I wouldn't say your mums gifts are thoughtless, just that we like different things