To not say anything?

[pickyp]

I have a lovely friend who is 25. Due to tragic circumstances he has no family and has had some bad exes. His parents died of an accidental overdose/suicide one in his GCSE's and other in A Levels. He moved in with his grandmother who was a very cold person, then she died. His brother then died by suicide. Somehow he carried on through.

A new girl came into his life 3 years ago and she seemed lovely. He fell head over heels for her and she became his whole family. A big problem was that she was chronically ill. I know it isn't at all her fault that she had to stop working all together soon after they started dating. He had to give up his dream job because his salary alone wouldn't pay for their rent. I felt gutted for him. He fought against all odds to get that role and studied for three years at university and loved it.

He lost his new better paying job after not too long after due to no fault of his own and had to take any job he could get... another poorly paying job since (not possible to go back to dream job). He can't afford rent again. She is refusing any other living situation other than getting a bigger and better house, when they can't afford the one they're living in. He has made many suggestions but she says no to all as she feels stressed living in a small space/ an unfamiliar area/ sharing with others. The stress makes her illness worse. He is under so much pressure he is working all hours. They have no financial support.

He was a very social guy but stopped socializing. He didn't have the money or energy. He wanted to travel the world but she doesn't want to. He's stopped doing all his hobbies because she was too anxious to leave the house but wanted him there all weekend so she wouldn't get lonely.

I don't dislike the girl at all she is kind natured but I feel awful for my friend. I know he is about to propose, but I feel like this would be the rest of his life. I just wonder if he would make the same decision if he saw it from my shoes.

I think if I said anything theres a chance it would ruin our friendship, it's none of my business. I don't even know what I would say.

AIBU to not say anything?

Can't he see any if this himself / work any of it out ?

he just really loves her I guess

He's 25, you let him get on with it

Why can't he do dream job? Where are her family ?

It's his life. Unless he asks your opinion, I wouldn't offer one.

You could just take him out for a coffee, and say something like it must be hard with her being poorly, how is he and you're there for him if he needs to talk. You could say you're worried about him. Then leave it at that and hopefully he'll talk if he needs it.

Unless he asks for your opinion, it's unfortunately his business and his decisions as an adult.

It is absolutely none of your business.

How old is she? As you keep calling her a girl. Makes it seem like she’s 15.

I am 24. It’s normal for people his age to not have a perfect life. He presumably graduated through the pandemic ? He has enough time to start fresh and join his dream career and get a well paying job.

Also he’s old enough to make his own decisions in life. She’s not pressuring him to stay home on the weekend for example - he is making that choice all by himself.

Going against the grain here to say if you think he might be unhappy then you should ask him. I say this as I've made a couple of poor relationships choices, no one said anything to me. I wish someone had and I mightve stopped to think and left them sooner. Years of my life wasted. I've had similar with friends who after they've broken up everyone admit to her they were glad as they hated him. It's a fine line unfortunately as we don't want to upset our friends and it's unlikely they'll listen.

Bin her off. Get his life back on track.

Hi Op

I can see both viewpoints yours and your friend,

Your friend through misfortune troubling experincinces clings on desperately for dear life, to this relantships,

Simply because he feels like he had been abandoned by all his family one way or other

I do think naturally obviously it's affected his confidence so much he is in sounds like emotional intense /enmeshed relantships of sorts,

I do think if there I strong possibility if he hadn't had such shit life traumatic experiences at such relatively young age, he wouldn't be in this situation, nor giving up on his aspirations goals,

I think you just need to be there for him as a good friend,

Has he got other family members he could turn to,

I do think good therapy/therapies of some sort not just counselling type, would be really beneficial for him

I don't think it's healthy relantships it does sound co dependant hardly Surper. shits. cards life has dealt him

Hardly Surprising the shit cards life has dealt him ,he is like that,

His girlfriensounds very Needy Clingy intense and hard work really,

He sounds like he has got a right one there,

I wonder how long that will last then?,

Does he have other good friends too?

Just cause he is in relantships it doesn't mean you are like simese congenital twins joined at hip,

You are allowed to have space ,have a life outside home too, whether workwise and socially too

I agree with others, he is settling for anything that he perceives makes him feel somewhat secure ,he is settling for crumbs really isn't it

She sounds very emotionally draining ,too

thank you for your responses. I think I will just ask him next time I see him if is excited for a future with her and see if he volunteers any information. His dream job isn't well paid so he can't afford to do it unless she beings in a join income.