to think this is not normal?

[user274545333]

I was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of 2020 and every year I become fixated on the dates of when everything happened.
I want to forget but the dates are stuck in my head, I remember them all from my surgery, treatment, even the dates of the appointments I had with consultants.
I try and not think about it by keeping my mind busy but it still manages to creep in.
I thought after 3 years i would start to forget and my life would be back to normal but now it feels as if these memories will haunt me forever and my life will never be the same again.
I feel bad for feeling this way, I should be grateful my treatment has been successful.

I think it’s totally understandable. You went through a trauma and it was recent. Have you had any therapy to help support you? Don’t be hard on yourself, allow your feelings.

So glad your treatment was successful.

I don't think anyone would argue that is unreasonable, those are life defining moments.

I can't remember the dates exactly like that but do know I first found something wrong in March and then had an operation per month from May to August. What really made me wobbly was the five year 'so all ok now. Byeeeeeeeee' so back to mammos every three years. I did find its only started receding four years after. To be honest the chronic fatigue after radio lasted a long time. It's becoming a memory more now. I think it will always be there.

My best friend did the same thing. She was diagnosed in 2018. Shes doing great now and all clear but found herself feeling as if there was a dark cloud over her on those dates and like you, nervous when they came back around.
She was sick of it.

What we do now is make all of those days a little celebration day where we can.
She pats herself on the back now instead of wiping away tears. We try to go for a drink or even just a glass of something in her house. Some of her family and I will get a card/gift or send celebration txts or she'll buy herself something nice that week.
She says she cant knock those dates out of her memory so her next best move is to change the emotions and meaning around them.
Now when those dates approach, instead of worrying,.she starts to plan what nice thing she wants to do for it.
Maybe that's not for you op but might be worth a try?

I feel bad for feeling this way, I should be grateful my treatment has been successful.

Its completely normal to feel grateful your survived a bad experience, and still find the dates triggering. Try not to be hard on yourself about it, and if you struggle to accept it as a 'quirk', you could ask your GP if EMDR therapy would be suitable.

I'm wondering if you might benefit from talking to a counsellor about this? You've been through a traumatic experience, and it sounds similar symptoms with PTSD. Is this a possibility ? This would be a very normal reaction to your circumstances btw.