Hi,
Posting on behalf of a friend. She split from her dh early last year. No one else involved, she just fell out of love and had tried to talk to him about it for a few years, to no avail. They'd been together 15 years, married for 12. Both mid 30s.
They have a 7 year old child and a 15yo and previously she worked around his hours so that they didn't need to pay for childcare. He insisted on 50/50 as he didn't want to pay maintenance, but that never materialised and so maintenance is based on 3 nights a week.
The problem is he often only has their youngest dd for 1 day a week and will go upto 12 days between seeing her.
Last month he only had her for 6 days, only 1 of which was a weekend day.
This month he's suggesting 2 days the 1st weekend then no days the 2nd week, then another 2 week days the 3rd week and then 4 days over the last weekend. The month after that it's different again, but 8 days is a lot compared to what he has been doing, and every month it's a fight to get dates from him.
My friend is really stressed as money is really tight and she needs to go back to work, but she'd also like 2 weekends a month free, whereas at the moment he is dictating all the days on a month to month basis and often not telling her until that week so she can't plan anything and definitely wouldn't be able to work.
He works shifts, but his firm has always been flexible with family life, and he was usually always able to change shifts if need be. They actually put him on shifts which meant my friend could work 2 nights a week.
He now says his firm have changed this and he has no choice what he does. I suspect this not to be true as he is hurt and trying to punish her for leaving as he always brings this up as being the consequence of leaving him. He also won't send her a copy of his rota so she can let her work know when she's available ...he says he doesn't know in advance, which is BS.
She ideally would like him to have their dd 1 or 2 nights a week on the weeks he doesn't have a weekend, and 2 weekends a month from Fri after school to Mon school drop off (eg, 2 and 4th or 1st and 3rd). This would mean he has his dd 12 days a month.
She'd like regular days as her youngest dd has high functioning autism and routine is important so atm, she's really struggling with never knowing who's picking her up from school, or where she's going to be sleeping or having dinner. Also, it helps her to plan her life and work, as it would anyone.
Before the split he was a good dad, but atm, he can't see past his hurt and is lashing out, but it's obviously affecting the dd too, but he can't see it, and denies it. He seems to think she still has to fit in with his work schedule and has suggested she get a job to fit in with him and school, which is impossible, especially as he's saying his shifts change every month.
As a side note, he's never upped maintenance to cover the days she actually has their dds, and gets angry and shouts and swears when she tries to discuss it.
She doesn't feel its fair to get the oldest child to babysit and I've not really included them in this post as they aren't really an issue (childcare wise), although he still doesn't pay enough to cover the days they stay with mum (think 2 days when she is there 5 days).
She says to him they should have set days each month and sort out their own childcare on those days, whether it be family, clubs, paid care, etc. He says he gives her maintenance so she should have the dc when he dictates as he's paying her to have them and he needs to work.
She says, they both need to work, and now they're no longer a couple, it isn't for her to fit her life around his shifts, and that the maintenance is to pay towards their food, etc, and not him paying her to 'babysit' them whilst he works.
I've suggested mediation or going to court to make everything official and legal, but she's frightened they'd side with him so she'd be no better off, and I don't know enough about this to advise her so I was hoping for advice from you lovely people on here. She's become so anxious and stressed over this that she's really struggling and can't see a way out.
I know she can't force him to see the dc, but is it likely a judge would say she has to work around him?
My advice to her was that she had just as much right to having a job and a life as he does and her job is just as important as his, so it's up to each of them to facilitate their own job, and sort childcare themselves on their time with the dc. Maybe further down the line they can swap and help each other out if it suits them both, but 1st they need an arrangement in place that allows both of them to move on and have a life/work.
Please can anyone help? 🙏🏻