To be feeling a bit alone (raising family)

[Bumble84]

This may be long and may not be very succinct as feel like I just need to get things off my chest.

I’m currently on Mat leave and had 2 under 2 until very recently. This isn’t a ‘I deserve childcare for free post’ because I don’t but just to point out that me and DH have no outside assistance and DH works full time so childcare for me is obviously full on.

My DM has mobility issues so can’t do childcare, this is obviously fine and not her fault. However I feel she tries to tell me how to raise my family and run my life. A few examples are she said I should be walking to the shops to get different things I.E butchers, fishmonger. She says it wouldn’t take long even with 2 young children. I don’t live within walking distance of those types of shops but she thinks an hour each way is fine. She has also said that I cannot let my children run my life when I said that I didn’t really want to go to a shopping centre with her and both children as toddler doesn’t relly tolerate being strapped in a buggy and if I’m going to let her roam I’d rather be somewhere more child friendly. I don’t mind her suggesting these things but when I say no because X it is just met with an ‘oh don’t be silly’ attitude

I admit I am very envious of people who have people they can trust to mind the children so that they can get a break however I don’t have that and have made my peace with it. I think I just feel like no one in my family can recognise how tiring it is. I know everyone has things going on obviously but I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone else how to live, even family.

Maybe I’m overreacting or just having a bit of a pity party. Maybe I just need more sleep. Can anyone relate? Or give advice?

She's obviously forgotten what it's like. I wouldn't have gone to a shopping centre with two under two either unless I really had to. I primarily took mine to things like playgroups, soft play at that point. Also I get shopping delivered. I do take them in shops if I just need a few things but would never walk round loads of places doing the big weekly shop.

I feel like there's two separate issues here:

First, your Mum needs to wind her neck in, people don't live the way she is suggesting anymore, maybe in her day they did walk an hour each way to the butcher, etc. but times have changed - either remind her of this every time she mentions it or shrug it off as an old-fashioned attitude.

Second, and I don't mean this harshly, but when you say no one recognises how tiring it is - why should they? It was your choice to have children close together. Assuming you yourself weren't born yesterday, then you must have known how tough this would be. There's no point in going down the 'poor me, my life is so tough (through decisions I made for myself)' road, you need to just crack on and do what you can. Yes 'other people' may have help, other people all have lots of things, we don't all have the same, you do your best with what you have and look for ways that you can make your life easier. 💐

@Pollyputthekettleonha Yes I think there is an element of looking back with rose tinted glasses

@LongerThanADryJanuary23 yeah I get what you are saying as well. It was completely my choice and overwhelmingly I really like my life with young children. I think it’s more the issue that if I dare complain about it to family I just get shot down. I just wish someone could validate what I’m saying and say something like ‘that sounds tough’ and yes I do look for ways to make life easier and feel I’ve got to a point where I have good ‘systems’ for my home/family. Maybe that’s why I’m peeved by my DM’s helpful suggestions, hadn’t thought of it that way

It sounds like you're mum isn't the good listener you'd like her to be.

I'd suggest talking to friends / join a mums listening circle or look at counselling so you can feel heard.

See if you can validate yourself with some positive self-talk:

This is tough and yet I am doing it
I know I am capable and I don't need any one else's recognition

I know it's hard when you just want someone to recognise what you're going through, but...everyone has 'their own stuff' - your Mum included.

Do you have close friends IRL that you can chat this through with?

Are you complaining to her about things? As people will usually give advice if you complain to them about things even if it’s not good advice for you, my mum will often tell me what to do about things that wouldn’t personally work for me but I just ignore it.

@LongerThanADryJanuary23 I do have friends IRL but we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like. I have spoken to one friend briefly in the past.

@SpinningFloppa i don’t really complain as such but if I say I’m tired or too busy to do something it’s generally met with a kind of ‘oh whatever’ attitude. I don’t even think it’s malice or anything just a flippancy and a sort of stiff upper lip attitude.

I think the whole issue stems from feeling like I’ve not been listened to growing up and since having my own children it’s made me re-evaluate a lot of things and this is something that’s come up.

From your last post I can absolutely empathise and I hope I haven't come across as too harsh, it's possibly just that your experience has been too similar to mine and I've had to just toughen up / stiff upper lip to get through as well, and now, I'm just used to it.

I've never had any validation, congratulations, we're proud of you, or even a 'well done' and I'm probably so long in the tooth now that I'm forgetting how hurtful that can be.

I think what you're looking for from family will never come, so you either need to find your people (ie friends/acquaintances) that you can have a little moan to or find peace in yourself that overall you have a good life, yes sometimes it's tough but know in yourself that you're doing your best and that's good enough. And also know that Mums the world over stick their oar in and it's not always useful or welcome - and can be entirely disregarded if you feel like! 😜

I get it. I had 2 under 2 as well and no family nearby. It’s hard. It gets better. Mine are 4 and 5 now and they are brilliant. I had another baby though so it’s hard again 😂.

@LongerThanADryJanuary23 no you’ve definitely not been too harsh. Sometimes the words from strangers or at least people removed from the situation can help to put thing into perspective. I’m sorry that you have had a similar experience to mine throughout life.

@DolphinNosePotato1 you have my respect, I couldn’t manage another one!