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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friendships with school mums aren't worth it?

40 replies

OrangeCocktail2 · 11/01/2023 09:03

NC for this. I'm genuine!

When DS2 started school I made friends with another mum who had a child in the same class as ds2. All was well to begin with, we got on great.
As time went on she started to ask for things only small things, then moved on to asking me to buy her things when I went shopping and wouldn't pay me back claiming poverty without so much as a thank you.

She'd borrow things and I'd never get it back , she even sold something on Facebook that I lent to her.
She'd speak about others behind their backs to me and try and drag me into her relationship problems.

I finally clocked on (yes I admit I'm a bit slow! Blush) and distanced myself. Was polite when I saw her but stopped inviting her over for coffee as I didn't want to be dragged into her drama or used anymore.

A few months passed and she randomly accused me of telling her now ex partner things about her and spying on her - her bare in mind I hadn't spoken to her other than a quick hello in months.

I told her quite brutally I didn't care about her private life and to stop dragging me into her dramas and assuming things.

Now the issue I have is that she works at ds2 school, and has been quite rude since this has happened.
She barges into me at the school without so much as a "sorry", she's decided to do a party for her child invited all the other kids in the class bar my son who is quite upset as they are very good friends.
She's taken things out of my sons lunchbox and refused to give them back (even though the policy is to leave it in the lunchbox until they go home!)
She's not watched my son properly on the playground and my son has been hurt by other kids even though she's meant to be supervising.
She's also told other parents things about me as they've told me. Sad some of it not even true!

AIBU to think making friendships with school mums isn't worth it? And would I be unreasonable to change DS2 school? I feel very uncomfortable that someone like this is part of supervising my son at school hours or am I just being dramatic myself?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 11/01/2023 09:06

I don't think you can make such a broad statement based on your experience with one crazy. Most people are normal.

Whatistheanswer2023 · 11/01/2023 09:06

I’d keep a diary and report her to the school! This is all very unprofessional of her, I think it’s hard when another parent works in a school. Happens a lot in our area lots of teachers send their kids to our school.

Mardyface · 11/01/2023 09:08

Most school mums are not like this. They just happen to be parents. I would definitely be complaining about this woman to the school if I were you.

Phos · 11/01/2023 09:08

I think you have had a very bad experience that isn’t typical of most school mums! And I don’t blame you for feeling this way under the circumstances.

However I tend to agree with the title of the thread in general. Except having children who go to the same school you’re not bound to have anything in common with these women. For my part there are some mums at school who I am happy to chat with at the gates, id even sit and have a coffee with them at a playgym or park if our kids wanted to meet up but they’re not really friends. There are also a couple who consider themselves Queen Bees, make sure we all know how wealthy they are, force their opinions as gospel and definitely look down at the likes of me who wear jeans and T-shirts to pick the kids up! They’re the reason I don’t go on the group evenings out anymore.

Pottedpalm · 11/01/2023 09:08

This one friendship didn’t turn out well, but you are way over-generalising, I’m still good friends with some school mums I met 25 years ago. We meet regularly even though our DC are no longer close. No dramas!

Whatistheanswer2023 · 11/01/2023 09:09

Oh and answering your question I have 2 very good friends and a lot of wonderful mum acquaintances that I might occasionally go for a walk with/have a coffee with or stop for a quick chat with.

everyone is busy and can’t always have lots deep and meaningful friendships but I’ve definitely built a good network.

There are quite a few mum’s who’ve built really strong friendships, they holiday together, are often out together etc. So just depends. Not everyone is like your contact.

Shampern · 11/01/2023 09:09

Can you get evidence that this is happening to other pupils too? If so, I think you have a case to take straight yo the head.

XelaM · 11/01/2023 09:09

My daughter is now in Year 8 and I can honestly say ai have never had a single problem with any of the school parents. All are normal nice people and it's very useful to become friends with them if you ever need help with pick-ups. No one has ever borrowed any money from me or sold any of my things. Your experience is definitely NOT a typical one.

bringmetheheadofpastaalfredo · 11/01/2023 09:10

you had one "friend" who was a dick. It has nothing at all to do with where you met them, and says nothing at all about school mum friendships, other than that she works there, which is a totally different thing anyway!

Just go in and grass her up to her boss and stop being such a damp flannel. You can't change your kids school because you're a bad judge of character and a wet lettuce!

whattodo1975 · 11/01/2023 09:10

I think you case is a one of very bad example of a friendship made at school gates gone wrong.

The mum (and dad) friends I’ve made with parents at school have been great.

thewayround · 11/01/2023 09:10

You odd bod OP

two wonderful friends throughout primary
all went separate for secondary… 2 years ago

meeting one for coffee this afternoon

and both for a cocktail or two end of Feb

ModeWeasel · 11/01/2023 09:11

This has literally never happened to me with any friendship school mum or not.

Could it be worth looking at your boundaries and how you approach relationships?

Or maybe just one bad egg and a total coincidence, but don’t see how this would be happening because this person is a ‘school mum’ (which presumably you are too?!?)

Whatistheanswer2023 · 11/01/2023 09:11

No one has ever borrowed money, or asked of anything from me. In fact they’re often trying to throw hand me downs at me!

thewayround · 11/01/2023 09:12

I suspect Op, you may not need to make the decision re whether or not you have school mum friends. On the basis of this Op, you have nothing to worry about.

sillysmiles · 11/01/2023 09:12

The issue isn't that she was a friend, it is that her issues with you are affecting your son.
That's the issue you need to deal with. Document the issues and go speak to the school - particularly if her supervisor means your son is being hurt on the playground.

Testina · 11/01/2023 09:12

“or am I just being dramatic myself?”

Yes.
And quite odd, really.
One hell of an extrapolation. It’s quite tiresome in real life when people talk like this.

Complain to school about her. If she is removing lunch items when policy is to leave them, then you have something very specific not just hard to argue things like not watching your son in the playground.

Although, I’m curious why you’re sending in banned items?

neverendinglauaundry · 11/01/2023 09:13

Presumably you are a school mum. Do you think you are not worth making friends with?
In this specific case, yeah, you had a bad experience, but extrapolating it to all mothers of school aged children is... I dunno, a bit misogynistic, perhaps? Or days something about our internalised prejudices against mothers?

FlyingPandas · 11/01/2023 09:13

You’ve had one bad experience as others have said, so you can’t tar all ‘school mums’ with the same brush. But the bigger issue here is that this is an employee of the school who is potentially acting very unfairly and unprofessionally and your child is suffering as a result. I think you need to flag this as a concern with the head teacher. She doesn’t sound stable, reasonable or mature enough to be working with young children.

skippy67 · 11/01/2023 09:13

I think your experience is not representative of the vast majority of school mum friendships...

Devoutspoken · 11/01/2023 09:14

Hell, why not go the whole hog and include all women

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 11/01/2023 09:16

I think youve had a dreadful experience and I don’t blame you at all for your subsequent feelings (obviously)

but going from your title i made a fair few school mum friends and although over the years most have fallen by the wayside i am still very good friends with some and some of those I would consider my ‘best’ friends

so for me its been worth it

boboshmobo · 11/01/2023 09:16

She is clearly bonkers and not had a very nice upbringing .. most people aren't like this !

ZaZathecat · 11/01/2023 09:17

You could meet a dick like that anywhere! Like in any group of people there's going to be all types there, the trick is in recognising the good ones!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/01/2023 09:19

Yanbu to stay away from this mum.

YABU to categorise and avoid a whole group of people just because they have a school age child.

I would also complain to school. Not about the things that affect you and that you cant prove (that she barges into you, that she spreads rumours etc) but that you have fallen out and this is impacting in the following ways - her inviting the whole class to a party excluding your child, that she is removing x and y from his lunchbox and not putting them back on y number of occasions etc.

Unless she is going to be your sons TA for years I'd see how it goes for now with moving schools

TheaBrandt · 11/01/2023 09:20

You are bonkers to extrapolate one nutter with all school mums 🙄. Still rock solid friends with about 10 women I met through school been friends for around 12-14 years now. None have ever stolen from me or had relationship dramas 🙄

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