First birthday invite in forever and DS just can't face it :-(

gretti · 2023-01-10T19:04:39+00:00

My asd son (13) received his first birthday invitation at school today. The first one in probably 5/6 years. He goes to a specialist school and has very limited friends there. I felt so happy for him opening his school bag and seeing the invite. But unfortunately he doesn't want to go. He got really anxious at the thought of it and was adamant it would be too much. He's fine with the kids at school but doesn't want to see them outside of school. I've text and said thank you for the invite but we wont be able to make it - we have plans. We do actually have plans on that day so it isn't a lie but equally nothing that can't be changed. There's absolutely no point in even trying to take him, he would join in (it's a party where you have to pay per person) so I wouldn't want the child's mum to waste her money when I know full well my son won't join in. I don't want him to put a dampener on the party - I've been there with him before and it's no fun for anyone. Just a reminder of how difficult life is for him. At 13, I was just beginning to go off with my mates and get some independence. I don't need suggestions on how to make life easier for him - you name it, we've tried it. My sons fine, I'm just sat feeling a bit gutted for him.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/01/2023 19:06

My ds is 14 and exactly the same op.
It churns your stomach doesn't it to see them missing out?

dotdotdotdash · 10/01/2023 19:09

Poor love, I feel for him. Social anxiety is a tough one

MMMarmite · 10/01/2023 19:11

💐OP

I just wanted to say it's really good that your son can predict what he'll find hard, communicate to you, and experience his limits being accepted. It's not what you hoped, but feeling the safety and comfort of being able to set boundaries is still an important win.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 10/01/2023 19:11

That sounds tough for both of you. He’s lucky he has you listening to his fears and respecting his wishes. Hugs.

Original poster

gretti · 10/01/2023 19:17

That should say he wouldn't join in.

I think for him, he doesn't know any different but it makes me realise how limited his life is in terms of a social life. I've tried everything, clubs, hobbies etc but he just can't tolerate them.

The last 2 nights he's helped me make tea, I try keep him occupied at home and try not let his self esteem too low. He's so very loved and I tell him every day but now at 13 he's just like 'whatever mum'

I just don't know what to do sometimes, I feel he only has me but I'm not always what he needs

OP posts:

Parrish · 10/01/2023 19:18

I absolutely agree with MMMarmite. He knows himself and, at 13, that’s brilliant. My son is the same but older and happy in himself and able to ask for what he wants/needs. I used to think he was missing out on social stuff and I used to get upset but he really isn’t. He’s walking his own path. I learned to respect that and keep calm. Life is easier now.

Original poster

gretti · 10/01/2023 19:20

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/01/2023 19:06

My ds is 14 and exactly the same op.
It churns your stomach doesn't it to see them missing out?

Absolutely. My dd is 11 and she's well on her way to a little social life. If she's not seeing her friends, she's FaceTiming them on a night and it's all laughing and giggling coming from her room.

My son is just absolutely nothing. He has 1 friend outside of school (non asd) who he really relies on but I think that friendship may be beginning to fade which isn't a surprise.

I've tried being firm and saying 'we're really going go give this club a good go' but it's completely pointless. If he's not feeling it then he's not feeling it.

He's 13 and I've never once even left him at a friends house/youth club alone.

OP posts:

Cellotapedispenser · 10/01/2023 19:21

The fact he feels comfortable communicating how he feels and is articulate enough to do so speaks volumes as to what a good job you're doing. I apsire to my asd/adhd having the ability to do so, but he's much younger so still working on him. Enjoy your calm day with him, and don't be too down as he's having exactly what he needs by the sounds of it.

Original poster

gretti · 10/01/2023 19:23

Parrish · 10/01/2023 19:18

I absolutely agree with MMMarmite. He knows himself and, at 13, that’s brilliant. My son is the same but older and happy in himself and able to ask for what he wants/needs. I used to think he was missing out on social stuff and I used to get upset but he really isn’t. He’s walking his own path. I learned to respect that and keep calm. Life is easier now.

Thank you, this is what I feel mostly I have to say. It's not my son that's particularly upset. It's me.

Don't get me wrong, I he absolutely finds life hard and I do think he really wishes he was different but he seems content playing on his PlayStation on and evening or watching films. He's also absolutely amazing at drawing too which he does regularly.

We have pets who he adores - he considers these as his friends.

OP posts:

Parrish · 10/01/2023 19:43

Just an extra, my son didn’t really start to make friends until he was older and had settled at secondary. He also did the Duke of edinburgh bronze award doing his own thing at his own pace which gave him a great sense of achievement and his self esteem improved. As his self esteem improved, the friends came. Now my son has a great group of friends who play games online together and also come to our house twice a week to play a board game. He goes to college as part of his school year and is feeling good about navigating buses and trains himself. Our challenge now is that the friends are all leaving to go to university and he is understandably upset. His school are helping him with this transition. Looking back over his secondary years, the increase in his self esteem is key to him growing up and making more connections. And the more he’s done, the better things have become..a virtuous circle…I hope this gives you some strength and hope!

Original poster

gretti · 10/01/2023 21:07

Parrish · 10/01/2023 19:43

Just an extra, my son didn’t really start to make friends until he was older and had settled at secondary. He also did the Duke of edinburgh bronze award doing his own thing at his own pace which gave him a great sense of achievement and his self esteem improved. As his self esteem improved, the friends came. Now my son has a great group of friends who play games online together and also come to our house twice a week to play a board game. He goes to college as part of his school year and is feeling good about navigating buses and trains himself. Our challenge now is that the friends are all leaving to go to university and he is understandably upset. His school are helping him with this transition. Looking back over his secondary years, the increase in his self esteem is key to him growing up and making more connections. And the more he’s done, the better things have become..a virtuous circle…I hope this gives you some strength and hope!

What a lovely post to read, thank you for sharing!

OP posts:

MeridianB · 10/01/2023 21:17

Awww. No experience of this but just wanted to offer virtual support. You sound like a lovely, supportive mum. Don’t stop with the ‘I love you’s either! 🌺

AnneofRedGables · 10/01/2023 21:32

You sound like a lovely supportive mum and it’s great your son knows his own limitations. I wonder whether a compromise might be a casual trip for ice-cream or similar with the birthday child on another day, or would this be an equally anxiety-making prospect?

Luckymummytoone · 10/01/2023 21:37

I’ve just had this exact same situation with my son too OP :( heartbreaking how something so normal and easy for others is such a struggle. Hugs x x

Original poster

gretti · 10/01/2023 22:15

AnneofRedGables · 10/01/2023 21:32

You sound like a lovely supportive mum and it’s great your son knows his own limitations. I wonder whether a compromise might be a casual trip for ice-cream or similar with the birthday child on another day, or would this be an equally anxiety-making prospect?

Possibly yes. I don't know the child, I've actually never heard of him before as they aren't in the same class but my son says they cross paths quite a lot and will speak regularly.

I've said to DS that it's lovely this boy thinks of him as a friend. I have his mums number now so I can definitely think about arranging something more low key at a later date.

OP posts: