AIBU to think my manager doesn’t want me to come back from mat leave?

[NightandViolets]

Been in my job 5 years. I got a new manager last year a month before I went on mat leave. She joined from a different place but I’d worked with her before. I felt we were getting on well before I headed off but things did feel a bit weird, especially when I helped recruit my cover and she seemed very excited about them starting.

Fast forward six months and I can count on one hand the times I’ve heard from her and one of those times was when I told her I’d had a new baby DD. When I responded to one of those rare emails I mentioned that me and all the family had all just had Covid and she didn’t reply to ask how we were or send well wishes etc. I contacted her about organising a KIT day but after I suggested dates she didn’t respond and I get the impression she isn’t bothered and expects me to organise it all by myself, . I also had asked her to keep me updated on any big news and she didn’t let me know that someone I managed was leaving - I found out on the grapevine from someone else.

I know that she’s busy but I feel so out on a limb and as though she might not want me to come back. I’d love to have more time with DD but can’t afford to stay off longer than a year and would worry about how easy it would be to find something else. WWYD In this situation?

Tbh I think you're overthinking it. Maybe she's just being respectful of your leave! It doesn't mean you won't be able to go back as planned.

I'd phone and speak to your manager about KIT days as a start.

But Is she being respectful if she’s not replying to me?

this might not be the case - but perhaps she respecting your mat leave by not getting in contact much? KIIT days aren’t mandatory I don’t think. Perhaps just say something once you’re near the end of mat leave

They never actually want you to go back after you've had a baby. You might need time off for childcare, child being ill, or you wanting to leave early. Maybe your replacement is doing your job well?

I think you’re being too sensitive.
She’s just giving you space on Maternity leave, like she’s meant to.
I’d chase the KIT days again though.

It’s more the not replying to me. Before I left I also asked her to keep me updated on big things relevant to me like members of my team leaving and that’s not happening. I’d said I was keen to do KIT days - Health during Covid and pregnancy has meant I haven’t been in office for a long time and I’d really like to see everyone - she is aware.

Sounds like she doesn't really give a shit. some people are just not very empathetic. But ultimately it's not up to her whether to go back, it's up to you and if you enjoyed the job or need the job then you can do so.

Ring her to organise a KIT day or email including HR or whoever handles HR.

I like my work mates to the point I would consider them friends but I didn't do any KIT days and the only work related thing was my boss calling me to say I was getting a promotion when I came back. Other than that we picked off where we left when I got back. I think you are overthinking it tbh.

She's busy, she doesn't have a relationship with you.

It doesn't mean she doesn't want you back just that you are not on her radar or a priority just now.

Out of sight out of mind.

That's rubbish.

My old manager did this. It turned out she had spent her whole mat leave in another country with zero work contact at her choice. I think it never occurred to her that for some others, they might prefer to keep more in touch. Can you not ask HR to help facilitate the KIT days and then just tell your manager when you are coming in? You can then set up 1:1s with your team etc and you might get a better idea of what's going on.

I think this is it. It's not my way, and I completely understand how you are feeling but she's just not thinking about you really.

Instead of wondering for ever and a day if she doesn't want you to return why don't you just speak to her and give her the date you plan to return and see what transpires/gauge her reaction?

I feel you may be overthinking this. Do call her and set up your KIT day. If she'd kept calling you whilst you're on mat leave wouldn't you have felt it intrusive?

I wouldn’t expect or want her to call me all the time - just keep me updated on important stuff and check in occasionally, but most importantly reply to my emails! I’ve managed a few people on mat leave in past and id always make sure the level of contact works for them but also look out for emails etc from them so they don’t feel forgotten about/

Massively overthinking. I think I'm a pretty considerate boos, I care about people's families and illness etc. But when someone is on mat leave I do leave them be to be honest. I am always delighted to see them back from leave, but I definitely don't contact them unless they contact me. If they drop an email I will reply, but I am very conscious that they may want to be left well alone to get into a routine and enjoy their time away from the office, after all, you may only get this time a couple of times in your life.

From a manager perspective you have no idea what might be on her plate, she may be insanely busy, stressed, or frankly be a bit rubbish at responding, but not because she doesn't care.

Enjoy your time, ask HR about a KIT day, they may be better set up to arrange it.

She's your manager not your mate. Enjoy your mat leave. If people are leaving they could contact you if they wanted to.

I've got one of my team of on Mat leave at the moment, wouldn't dream of contacting her. She will contact me to arrange kit days to get a bit more money at the end of may leave.

Chase up on the KIT day request.

I wouldn't expect a manager to contact me at all while on M/L. I'd be annoyed if they did! And if I cared about a team member leaving to the point I needed to know when they left and not just when I went back to work, then I'd be in touch with them directly anyway.

I think the main problem is that you didn't get a chance to create a real working relationship with her before you left. She doesn't really know you very well, and you don't know her, so it could be any number of reasons why she isn't contacting you. The only way you're going to know is by contacting her in a call rather than by emailing. You've said yourself you know she's busy, and emails are easy to lose in a full inbox!

In your shoes what would I do? Bluntly, I would never have taken a year off unless I was ill after the birth. That's a long time in work terms, for example in the last year I've had three managers! Much as there are legal protections in place for women on maternity leave they're not magic, and I've seen roles split and changed and that's perfectly legal so long as you contractually meet certain requirements.

But if you're set on having the full year, then I would suggest the first thing to do is speak to her in person or via a call. Your KIT days are yours to plan, but just say you want to speak to her first before speaking to HR to organise them. And take it from there - you'll be able to see what's going on during the KIT day and make any future decisions based upon that.

Email her back chasing for a response and cc HR.