Upset by DS behaviour

[hunyouok]

NC for this as don't want it to relate to other threads about my DC.

I have a 5 year old DS in reception. Whenever he is at school he is the worst mood when he gets home. Think, throwing clothes refusing to get dressed. Screaming shouting hitting kicking. It's really exhausting and upsetting. But the most upsetting part for me is everyday I go to pick him up from school he refuses to come with me. I see all the other kids running into their mothers arms. And my DS gets very angry almost tearful when he sees me and punches me saying he doesn't want me he wants his daddy.

This is obviously very embarrassing in front of the other parents. I do not react to the behaviour whatsoever. And when he's home give him a lot of love and patience because I know he is tired.
But how do I get him to stop this? Why is he doing this?

It's making me feel like such a failure as a parent.

Transitions are the hardest for children. Changing from one setting to another, such as school to home is hard for them at that age, and they don't understand why. Its just a struggle and they have to express their discomfort in ways that they can, such as for your child saying that he wants Daddy. In addition he might have been hoping that Daddy came to get him, particularly if you coming is the norm, so it would be a good idea to set up his expectations clearly in the morning about what will happen in the afternoon.

By the afternoon they have been containing behaviour and feelings all day so having a little break down when they get home is normal too. Validate his feelings and establish boundaries about which behaviour is acceptable or not.

Mine did that for a while - he’s autistic and found the stress of coping at school exhausting, so as soon as I showed up he let it all out (he’d also say he wanted Daddy - partly to hurt me, partly I think because he wouldn’t “let go” of his feelings with Daddy and he found that flood of emotions overwhelming). I was his “safe person”, not that you’d know it as he absolutely raged at me, said some fairly horrible things and refused to leave the classroom! He was just tired, hungry, over stimulated and completely overwhelmed. It stopped when we addressed a lot of the causes of stress at school and probably also as he just matured a bit. Going home, and transitions in general, still trigger him sometimes but it’s much less explosive!

It’s not your fault and you aren’t a failure - in a weird way it’s a compliment because he knows you’re a safe adult to show his feeling with. He’s very little and they don’t really think about the impact of their words and actions on your feelings! My advice is to try and address any issues or upset at school (not as he comes out, find a calm time to talk about it), make sure he’s not hangry or overtired and just wait it out. Talk to him about feelings, what his body feels like at that time and ways he can calm himself down - he will learn to manage his feelings better. And try not to take it personally, if your relationship is otherwise good his behaviour probably reflects how he’s dealing with school not you!

Can his Dad pick him up sometimes? It might help to “break the cycle”.