AIBU to have bloody had enough now?

[anerki101]

Honestly, today I feel at breaking point with everything. I just need to vent.

I'm a full time uni student with a 4 yo who has suspected ASC and a DH who works FT. I also have MH problems.

I love my uni course, currently halfway through, due to finish May 2024. I'm getting firsts in all my assignments and I don't want to have to leave but financially things are tough. Due to my MH difficulties I've never managed to see something through so I'm determined to finish the course. A degree will help me better compete in the workplace and keep my options open. Possibly teacher training at some point. Long term, its worth it.

I have been applying for PT jobs to work around Uni and my DS. I have a job offer for two 12 hour night shifts a week at a care home and an interview arranged for a TA job. The TA job whilst fits around school holidays means I'll miss at least one lecture a week at a minimum. I would also finish later than my DS and I'm not having much luck arranging any childcare. The nightshift job would fit better around DS and uni but I do have reservations. We really could do with some more cash coming in though. I just feel like I have enough going on without adding two 12 hour night shifts.

I am also struggling with DS. After School today I had to strip him and put him in the shower through his sons because he was covered in poo. He's having an accident daily at school. It's only been spotted once by the staff who changed him. The rest of the time I have to sort him out when he gets home. His teacher and I have discussed numerous times possible solutions but nothing is working.

They have been telling me for weeks that they'll arranged a meeting with me and the Senco to discuss DS'possible ASC but despite prompts and asking we still have no meeting. Though his teacher said to me this evening, "I think next Tuesday but I can't remember. I'll double check and let you know."

I'm just losing the will to live with all of it. There's probably more I need to put but it's long enough if you've managed to get through it!

Sending a hug 💐

I wish I could give some helpful advice, but I’m sure others will be able to provide insight and the voice of experience.

Is it absolutely essential that you take on a job right now? I’m not sure if you’ve ever done a full night shift before, but they absolutely wreak havoc on you, mentally, energy-wise and emotionally. They’re tough. I did one a week for a while and it was horrific, I’d never do it again. I’d strongly caution against the night shifts right now unless it’s absolutely crucial, especially with your goal of maintaining your studies and dealing with the school/SEN issues.

Just so you know, you’re doing amazing.

It really does sound like you have alot on your plate OP. I know you've probably worked through all possible solutions already but is there no way of getting buy on less money for now while you wait for a better job? I'm so in awe of you going back to uni - and getting firsts. It sounds like you've got a better handle on things than you think.

I think you need to reframe the debt you will incur by not working as short term to better your future prospects.

I think the night shifts would send you over the edge.

I'd try to find weekend work if I were you. I used to do late shifts 10pm-2am in a call center as as student, and that was hard enough when I had to go into uni the next day, I can't imagine doing 12h night shifts when you've also got a child to take care of.

My Dc don't have any pending asessments and I dont have MH issues but I have done a uni course ft, worked ft and been on placement 2 days a week and been 90% in charge of the household and 2xdc, with a child with bowel issues.

With the bowel issue, have you asked a GP to be reffered to Peadiatric consultant and incontenance nurse? The nurse for us was the ' life saver' , 100% than the consultant - who was useless and basically made a half arse joke of ' I've seen children over the years who have started to spit up their own faeces, so 8 weeks constipation and no bowel movement with daily over spill isnt so bad is it, keep doing what you are doing though as it will work out' ! I inevitably lost it!!!
The next day, our first appt with nurse , she sent us straight in for DC to have a bowel clear out (effectively a controlled O.D of meds- we were in hospital 5x days , this happened twice but it cleared out everytging an no problems after a long 3xyears of concerns!

Personally, If you can miss that 1 lecture do the TA job ,if you cant I wouldnt take on 2x 12 hr shifts - what about being a carer in the community? This was my job, I worked 2xdays a week 4pm-11pm and every other weekend 8am-2pm.
Not sure about where you live but my area is crying out for carers and whilst they usually have set work time patterns, some are so desperate for carers, they will take any hours you have avail to do.

Good luck Op

@anerki101 just wanted to start by telling you, you're doing an amazing job and you're an inspiration.
Sending you positive vibes to get through this time x

Thanks. DS doesn't have a bowel issue. I imagine the issue is linked to his possible ASC. He doesn't have an accident at home or anywhere else. Only school. So I think it must be some kind of complex about not wanting to go at school.

Thank you x

Thank you. If we could get by then we would. The biggest issue we have is our mortgage is due for renewal soon so I really need to have a job for that and I imagine the price will be going up considerably.

Thank you! Yes, I'm really not sure I could manage the nights in all honesty but I do need a job soonish. I don't think we can manage much longer without.

Just a few things that came to mind when reading your post.

1. prioritise your degree - you only have just over a year left and it could set you up for life with a decent Job. Make it your number 1 importance.
2. could your DS where a pull up to school? They sell them in supermarkets for kids up to age 9 I think - my daughter aged 4 had to wear them for a week once when she had a diarrhoea bug and she didn't mind because they had Frozen on them. .
3. are you claiming for and receiving all benefits you're entitled to?
4. be a bit more pushy at school - send an email explaining the senco meeting doesn't seem to be materialising and it is vital as your son is coming home covered in faeces which they must understand is unhumane and awful for you and your son.
5. if you stick with your same provider for your mortgage and are just choosing a new rate you can do this online and you do not need to produce any evidence such as income etc as you're not changing your mortgage you just need a new product. therefore you don't NEED a job just for this purpose but it may be helpful to just have extra cash coming in as you mentioned.

*inhumane

You have so much going on and you are doing brilliantly. Please keep going! I have similar advice to everyone else but I would say also to make your degree priority. Long term it is in everyone’s best interest for you to get it. Just do what you need to do to graduate.

I second a pull up. My 5 year old has a learning disability and isn’t toilet trained yet, she wears a nappy to school, it’s fine! I have also taught children as old as 9 in pull ups before due to medical conditions or learning disabilities. Again, it’s not an issue. We changed them at lunch and one child was able to change his own pull up as needed so it was completely fine.

In terms of a job, can you find a Saturday job? My mum worked Saturday’s at Next when I was a young kid as my dad worked Mon-Fri. Worked well for them and meant a small amount of cash coming in.

And for your DS needs, I’ve learned after 5 years with my DD that he who shouts loudest gets what they need. You have to be pushy to the point of obnoxious. Ask at school everyday until you get a meeting, see the GP until you get a paediatrician appointment, bang on all the doors loudly! I know it’s a lot and takes up more of your time but it works!

I really hope things improve soon, you are amazing, keep going!

Would extending the term of your mortgage be possible to keep your payments the same?

First of all OP, congrats on your brilliant marks. To be getting 1sts in everything you must be a really good, hardworking student, as they don't dish them out lightly!
While on paper it sounds feasible, doing two night shifts and then continuing to study (basically 72 hours without sleep) is going to break you. Your body needs rest to be able to study, and also to care for the elderly people - you will end up doing both badly.
If you can, look for weekend work, both Saturday and Sunday and in the daytime. Shops, restaurants, cafes, garden centres, there is bound to be something.

Just been speaking to DS. It would seem he did his poo at lunch time between 12 and 1. I picked him up at 4:15. He'd been sitting in his own poo for hours. This is happening daily and the staff do even notice.

Is your DS aware when he has soiled himself, could he be encouraged to go and tell the teacher/TA/someone when he's an accident. Can you sell it to him that's the grown up thing to do so he can get changed?

Is your DS aware when he has soiled himself, could he be encouraged to go and tell the teacher/TA/someone when he's an accident. Can you sell it to him that's the grown up thing to do so he can get changed?

Is he aware after he's soiled himself? Would he tell the TA if he knows that's what he's supposed to do?